Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL/SIL - insisting to visit in hospital after birth

22 replies

Wt12 · 01/11/2023 20:44

My MIL and SIL don't like me. This goes way back and the main reason is because I am not of the same religion/culture. They had to hear from others that their son/brother bought shame upon their family by marrying me so never had a relationship with me other than to say hi if I go there with dh.

We have 1 dc, who they adore. They will video call dh to see her, but will rush off the phone if they see/hear me in the back to avoid me. They only call dh to ask how dd is. They undermine my parenting and encourage dd's bad behaviour by laughing when she doesn't listen to me and saying "haha she doesn't care what you say!", but if she doesn't listen to her dad they'll say "you must listen to daddy"

Fast forward i'm due in the next few weeks and they've not asked the two times I was in hospital if I was ok. If I go over with dh, they don't mention the baby at all however are now expecting to show up at the hospital as soon as he's born. Aibu to refuse visits for as long as I wish? Simply because of how they treat me? I'm sick of it. I don't want to.keep the kids away and I don't but I feel like doing that now because of how horrible they've been to me the last 5 years

OP posts:
EVHead · 01/11/2023 20:46

At no point do you mention what your DH does/says about how they treat you. He’s the one who needs to deal with them. Does he have your back?

Original poster
Wt12 · 01/11/2023 20:51

Sorry, should have mentioned yes DH does support me. However when they say certain things, they'll say it when he's not there. If they say stuff to him then he will defend me but they're careful to be nice enough in person so it's hard to say things unless it's straight away

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 20:53

Just don't tell them you've had the baby until you are home.

TheLoveIsReal · 01/11/2023 20:57

I wouldn’t let them know anything about the birth. Let them wonder about the date and tell them in your own time.

Lizzieregina · 01/11/2023 21:02

TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 20:53

Just don't tell them you've had the baby until you are home.

Yep! Tell DH that he’s not to call or let them know you’ve gone to hospital. And stop giving them any info from now on about anything relevant to the birth.

You are absolutely entitled to not want visitors, especially unpleasant ones!

Greenpolkadot · 01/11/2023 21:05

Tell the midwives that you don't want them visiting you.
What mum wants is paramount

Leeds2 · 01/11/2023 21:09

Do you know if the birth is likely to be one requiring a stay in hospital afterwards? If not, I would ask DH to agree to not telling them about the baby until you are home.
If you end up staying in hospital, ask the ward staff to only allow DH in to visit? Anyone else to be approved by you?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 01/11/2023 21:30

I think your DH should not have to see them treat you badly in person in order to take them to task. Second the idea not to tell them until you are home and up for visits or other contact.

strawberry2017 · 01/11/2023 21:37

Be clear with the Hospital that you want no visitors. They will take care of the rest

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 01/11/2023 21:48

Yep - tell the hospital to turn away visitors (them) because you’re resting.

Lavender14 · 01/11/2023 21:50

TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 20:53

Just don't tell them you've had the baby until you are home.

This^

I'd also be letting the midwife know that they are extremely keen but you're not open to having any visitors. Your dh needs to be saying to them very directly that their treatment of you won't be tolerated any longer whether he's there to witness it or not, and honestly if they're undermining your parenting and belittling you in front of your children that would be a hard line for me. If they want access to the children, they respect both parents end of story. But your dh needs to be prepared to follow through on something like that.

Original poster
Wt12 · 02/11/2023 10:35

Thank you all. I will let the midwives know we will not be accepting any visitors at the hospital. If all goes well then hopefully it wont be a long stay and we can be out within a day. Once i'm home and rested, then i'll let them know. I agree that they should be respecting both parents if they want access to the children

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 02/11/2023 10:51

Tell them absolutely nothing about when the birth is likely to be and do not tell anyone when you go into hospital in case it gets back to them. Do not sign into social media once you are there or they might see it. Make sure location is turned off on your phones.

Do not ask them to look after your DD while you are in hospital for the birth. Ask your own family for that, or if that isn't possible then DH will just have to do it even if that means he can't be with you at key moments.

This is what I would do, and DH would be on pain of death to let nothing slip either.

Wait until you have been back home for a few days and are feeling a bit more ready to face things. Tell them nothing at all until you are good and ready.

If they start insulting you or making snide remarks during their visit then get DH to show them the door. Then you won't have to see them again if you don't want to.

crumblingschools · 02/11/2023 10:55

Who is looking after DD whilst you are in hospital?

2chocolateoranges · 02/11/2023 10:57

People who try to manipulate children should have no contact at all!

horrid behaviour by your mil and sil,

I would cut contact.

SplendidUtterly · 02/11/2023 11:00

TomatoSandwiches · 01/11/2023 20:53

Just don't tell them you've had the baby until you are home.

Just do this.
Don't over complicate it or cause yourself the stress.

coconutpie · 02/11/2023 11:01

I would be cutting contact with them completely - they are already manipulating your DD.

FarmGirl78 · 02/11/2023 11:02

After the birth as things return to 'normal', then if you aren't doing so already then you definitely need to keep making your husband aware of exactly how they're being when he isn't there. He should believe you and talk to them about it. If he doesn't believe how they are, or won't fight your corner, then you also have issues with him.

He needs to put you and your children before his Mother and Sister. You children will grow up with a very poor image of their mother due their grandma's behaviour, and he needs to realise this isn't acceptable. Remind him he surely wants his children to respect both parents and grow up with an equal view of males and females?

Fulshaw · 02/11/2023 11:04

I don't want to.keep the kids away

Why do you want your kids to have a relationship with people who treat you like this?

Ibravedaflood · 02/11/2023 11:05

The calls need to stop. Visits bare minimum.. First sign of them being twats they leave.

tattygrl · 02/11/2023 11:18

They're bullies. Your kids will witness their grandmother and aunt bullying their mum. This is not ok, for them or you. I'd be cutting visits out altogether. They've lost their chance to have a relationship with their grandchildren if this is the kind of toxicity and hostility they bring into their lives. You want better for your children than that.

Original poster
Wt12 · 02/11/2023 12:28

You are all absolutely correct. Personally I don't want the children to have a relationship with them 2 anymore. Their behaviour in recent times has gotten worse and I would hate for my dc to grow up thinking they can disrespect me because they see their grandmother and Aunt doing it. SIL has no children but will happily lecture us on what we should and shouldn't do

I need to sort myself out too and grow a backbone because I am the shy/quiet type and MIL/SIL feed off that because they know I won't say anything back.

my mum/sister have already said they're more than happy to come down and take DD when the time comes. They've also advised me to take my time even when inviting them over to see the baby as they understand we will need some time to rest etc.

We have a childminder so if it's during the day we will drop dd off to childminders and then my family will collect her from there - dh has also said how he would be a lot happier if we can manage to give birth without involving MIL/SIL (for childcare) that way they'll have no idea

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page