Stepdaughter and grandchild

[BakewellPud]

I have a step daughter. She's always been distant toward me and never really wanted to get close, which I'm sad about, but accept its her perogative. I've always been friendly toward her and tried over the years, but pretty stonewalled/bare minimum effort. (Her Dad split from her Mother many years ago and so no issues there.)
She has a daughter who is 3. DH and I are Nana and Grandad to her and I adore her.

• For context I have no children of my own.

Stepdaughter always sends loving videos and 📸 of grand daughter to other family members, but never me. Little videos of her saying 'Hi Aunty Claire' etc to her Aunts and pics and vids to my DH. She refers to our home as 'Grandads house' and so grand daughter has started to call it that too. DH gets annoyed and says I'm over sensitive if I mention anything to him. I'm a loving grand parent, but feel a bit sidelined, as though I don't reaally matter much. I probably don't because I'm not blood related. Maybe I am over sensitive. I suppose I'm just feeling a bit pushed out of the picture. Feel free to tell me I'm being ridiculous. I'm not sure whether I am or not. Pls be kind...

I’m sorry; it sounds hard and that your stepdaughter is trying to emulate her distant relationship with you between you and her child.
However she can’t stop you forming a relationship with this child by putting the effort into playing and being the fun grandparent; she will have a voice of her own as she gets older and will choose whether she is close to you rather than following her mums lead.
It’d be understandable though if you preferred to back off and be in the background but you don’t have to be

I personally think she is being rude. Have you ever fallen out with her, or is she just distant with you?

I also think that you should try not to let it get to you and maintain a sweetness and light demeanor around SD and her DD. Don't stoop to her level.

Your SD seems determined you are not going to be recognised by her as a GP. Probably out of loyalty to her mum. There's nothing you can do about it unfortunately. However, take comfort from the fact that your DGD is a person in her own right who will grow up to bond with and love the adults who have been a caring loving presence in her life. Carry on bring a great grandma to her, whatever status her mum affords you, as before you know it she'll be old enough to bond with you on her own terms, and I'm sure will remember the lovely times she's had with you.

Is her mother still around as well and also her partner/husbands parents? Perhaps she feels awkward calling another woman grandma as well so that the child has 3 grandmas?

Is DH expecting you to contribute in any way financially to either DSD or the child?

how old is your dh and is he unwell? Seems like she’s preparing to inherit the house and freeze you out. Might be a good idea to get your finances in order

How old was she when you came into her life? It makes a big difference as to whether she will ever see you as anything more than her father's partner.

I would not have had my dc call my parents' partners their gps (didn't actually come up as my father died and my mother divorced before they were born, but if they hadn't). My very beloved ex - step dad is known by his first name (with a lot of affection, but not a gf, although he is as close to a father as I have)

Does she already have 2 real grandma’s and then maybe it seems a bit much calling someone else not related that too?

You have a husband problem.

It is not nice having your feelings dismissed by your husband.

There is not a lot you can do as it is her child but she definitely wants to make a point.

I do hope your finances are in order.

This is what I hope for. As she gets older she will want a relationship with me and not just follow her Mums lead. I don't really understand as I've been a good fun grandparent. It makes me sad that she doesn't make much effort as I'd love little videos and pics :-(

She does but neither are very good if I'm honest. One had NC for 2 years. I've been the only consistent stable one.

No financial contribution. She has a partner, albeit not a great one unfortunately.

I can understand that it hurts you and that it would be nice for you to have a better relationship with your step daughter which would make it easier with her child.

She doesn't have to be friendly with you though and has the right (for whatever reason) to choose not to be close. Your husband chose you but his child didn't. I know that sounds harsh but it's true.

If she's polite in your home, doesn't treat you badly and doesn't try to disrupt you seeing her child, I'm afraid the rest would be nice but not compulsory.

As others have said, in time her child will be choosing more independently who she feels close to and it sounds like you're around her a lot so that's positive.

Don’t worry OP, you will have the chance over time to build that relationship with your little granddaughter. As long as you don’t focus on the rivalries and slights (which are easy to get defensive about - but you just need to ignore stuff like ‘grandad’s house’) and prioritise spending time with the little one, you will be important in her life.

(speaking as a mum with a step-mother-in-law - I have found it truly lovely how my husband’s stepmother has thrown herself into the role of grandmother even though she’s not my husband’s mother. Your stepdaughter in due course might bond with you over shared affection for her daughter).

I’m sorry that sounds shit.

I think for your own peace of mind, I would take a step back, don’t be so available to them or be overly helpful or accommodating, let DH handle it.

Let DSD and DSGD miss you, you may find they will be more receptive.

I have a step mum and my husband has a step mum. My DC have four grandmothers who all go by different versions of nan/nanna etc. In my eyes and my DC they are all equally loved grandparents but when I send photos I always send to the biological parent. I’ve never thought about how this may make the step mums feel. I guess I just assume the photos are shared with them. Not sure if that is helpful or not!

Just a bit far fetched!

Don't ever offer free childcare

I'm for a divorced household, never really had a close relationship with my dad so ergo neither with my step mother who I met as a teenager.
When my little one was born (now 2) I tried to see it as 3 sets of grandparents (the more love the better) my dad asked if they would nanny and granddad I said fine but I do find it hard to refer to them as such as I was raised by my mum and stepdad and it feels very disrespectful, my steppdad felt he didnt count as a grandparent because he wasnt blood, but he mattered the most. It's a very complex minefield of emotions for me but I do have a group chat with them so they are both sent photos at the same time and plans are made through this so both and my child will call them what they want to.

I guess my point is she may be giving you all she can, or of course she may be a mare! Enjoy your grandchild they just care who does fun loving stuff and hopefully see things much more simply

Unfortunately it seems your stepdaughter doesn't see you as her childs grandparent, which is her decision really. You were brought in to her life as a step mother without any choice on her part, and she already has a biological mother who is still in the picture.

To be honest, my partners mum remarried twice after his dad, current came in to his life when he was 20 i think. He is not in any way considered by partner to be his step dad, nor would i consider him my father in law if we marry, he's just mums/mils husband. If we have a child i wouldn't count or call him any type of grandad etc to my child, he'd just be his name like he is to me and partner. Partners bio dad, and my dad, would be the only grandfathers.

I think maybe you are being a bit sensitive.
When I'm taking my DCs to my parents house (who've been together 50 odd years) I say we're going to nans house. My DCs call it nans house, but it's no more her house than my dad's (grandad) And we regard them both equally.
We also say we are going to Auntie Xs house, rather than auntie X and uncle Xs house.

Why would OP’s DH cut his own wife out of his will?

If anyone is getting cut out (and there’s nothing whatsoever to suggest this) it’s more likely to be SD I would have though…

Maybe this is what she does, so I'm overthinking it all. Possibly she assumes the photos will be shown to me.
I hope my GD will grow up loving me and our shared memories together ❤️

Bide your time, be the bigger person. Shut down your disappointed feelings.

Just keep being the lovely step gran you are and ignore anything you consider to be a slight.

Your step daughter is displaying a subtle form of bullying. It happens with step kids but don’t let that affect the relationship the little one.

As she grows, she will come to recognise the loving soul you are and that will be your reward and really, all that matters.

I have 2 adult stepdaughters. They’re both lovely young women, but neither have ever felt the need to develop a relationship with me - I’ve know them 10 years since mid teens. We are polite and friendly. But nothing more. No depth to our relationship, though they’d also tell you I was lovely. I know that if their dad died, they wouldn’t stay in touch long term. They don’t see themselves as my family in any way. I am sure that they wouldn’t see their children - should they one day have them - as related to me. They’re not bad people, we haven’t fallen out. We just don’t (and it does both ways) feel like real family. I think you have to accept that if the mother isn’t interested in a close relationship with you, she’s not going to feel that her daughter should naturally have one.
Enjoy the time you spend with them through your husband, but lower your expectations for more.