Sharing the cost of large presents with ex

[Str3bor]

Split with ex 3 years ago, for the past 3 Christmases we have shared Christmas and the cost of the presents, however, for various reasons we have decided that it would be better to just to our own Christmas days this year, the reasons are:

1. Ex usually buys all the presents, I just send half the money but ex usually buys things that are suitable for ex's house and very little of the presents come back to my house unless I specify I want something in particular.
2. Ex buys a ridiculous amount of presents so kids have lots of things to open but the reality is they don't play with half of it and then I see ex selling loads of it marketplace months later.
3. My new partner now lives with me. The last 3 Christmases have been at ex's house, ex does not want come to mine for Christmas as partner lives here so we agreed I will have the kids this year as I haven't had Christmas at mine yet.

The Christmas before we separated we got PS5's for our boys, as part of the split we agreed that the PS5's would come to mine and PS4's which they previously had went to ex's, just to note I got little much else as ex took the majority of their toys, I just got a few items which didn't really bother me at the time. I have now had a message off ex saying the boys want PS5's for hers for Christmas so its only fair I split the cost. The suggestion is that I still have to buy all their presents for my house but also go halves on ex's presents. AIBU to say no?

tell him to fuck off
nope not happening. Time to buy your own

Not sure your ex understands what just buying for yourselves means. Other than he won't get a second income stream from selling the kids belongings in the New Year. which is what this is really about.

Say no to her. She normally makes money off you overpaying for your half so can use that for PS5s.

Or go halves on everything but split it a bit fairer than her just taking everything.

Your ex is unreasonable expecting to pay your own Christmas and half of hers for the kids.

You’ve been unreasonable leading up to now, just chucking money to the ex then moaning that she hasn’t bought stuff specifically for both places. You don’t moan that you’ve made minimum effort in Christmas present buying then see little of what is bought. You wanted things they could have at yours, you make the effort of buying and wrapping it. I will make a huge assumption here, but by chance have things changed because your partner will be doing the present buying instead?

How are finances split? Does ex have enough money for Christmas?

YANBU. Tell him to buy his own. And keep what you buy at yours.

Irrelevant. If he doesn’t have money he can just not buy presents.

My DP and ex have been doing this for years too, as DSC spends more time at exes overall, however they do come to ours most days. The result has been they have nothing to do here, whilst they have everything at exes that DP had funded half of and gets none of the benefit in regards to their time with DSC.
DP was then expecting me to go halves on things for here aswell so essentially he is paying full price anyway but ex is benefitting from half and I am having to pay half. Told him I wasn't doing that as he is spending double the amount of money essentially just to help ex out, when we don't have that money.

He's changed it now to us buying at ours and ex buying at hers. We never get Xmas/birthdays with DSC and we never get any of the gifts for them to open here so it was just about the money.

You need to tell ex they have half of all the other things you went halves on, and you have the ps5s which balance out, so you won't be going halves on them, it's up to her to buy that now.

I'm assuming OP's ex is the mum

Yanbu. Ex and I have never bought joint presents. (We did when we were together)

Has everyone else missed that the ex in this scenario is female?

Your set up is quite odd I’d say. Weird for you to pay for half of all presents and them all to stay at his house unless your DC are with him most of the time which I doubt… Each buy your own gifts and keep them at your own homes.

If it was something that could move like laptop or bike it would make sense. Or a big school trip for example

But a games console when you already have one at other parents house... nope.

How shared is the care? Basically you got ex to buy all the presents until now and just threw money at the situation, but now you have a new woman in your house she can do it instead?
Ps5 are a big expense. Do they really need them at both houses? Did you buy 2? You could have one at each if you did.
Tbh I think splitting big ticket items is a good idea where possible, but they can’t just then be in one house (unless that’s the house they are in nearly all the time). Each parent should still buy their own smaller presents. Otherwise you are going to have a child getting a lot of large value items on one day. Unfortunately we did it that way when my dss was young and he became very spoiled and entitled as kids tend to when they never want for anything material wise.

XH and I share the cost of Xmas gifts. They all stay here as this is the DCs’ main home. It’s hard enough for them being uprooted for visits every week, so fgs just do what is best for them regardless of who pays for what.

I had a ‘new’ partner for 10 years and sometimes he would also chip in for a third of the gift if it was a big one, along with XH and I.

I would ask them where they wanted to spend the day and with whom, and be lead by that. Just put them first and everyone else can fit in.

Most people assume the OP is female as this is a mainly female site - a refreshing default really!

Unless it's something that comes back and forth to their houses like an iPad or a kindle or a car (when dc are older) I wouldn't consider splitting. Presumably you pay maintenance. Gifts should be separate now after 3 years I think.
The only thing is is that you've left it quite late just before Xmas. So it might feel a little unfair for change things now and you might not want your dc being told they don't get a PlayStation as daddy doesn't want to help pay for their presents any more.
So be careful how you manage this conversation sensitivity

So just to reveal (sorry for this!!) It’s actually my partner and his ex wife. I just wanted an unbiased view as I don’t know if we are being unreasonable or she is.

i do acknowledge that he has been happy to just give her the money and let her buy everything but it’s mainly because he’s just wanted to keep things as much as the way they were before they split (she always bought everything and the same thing happened with me and my ex, wonder if it’s a man thing!) but the past 2 Christmases and birthdays have annoyed him as she just spends money and half of his money to buy them things that they literally don’t want or need but more so they have lots of presents to open on Christmas Day - of course they get things that they want also but the majority of it stays in hers. He has suggested stuff to her and sent her links but she shoots him down with some reason why she’s not buying that or it’s not a good idea.

custody is 50/50 and main things like uniforms/school costs etc are shared.

I agree that if it’s for something that goes back and forth like an iPad or a laptop then there should be a conversation about splitting that cost but I don’t agree that we have to fund our own Christmas presents and then fund half of hers for her house.

it was decided after last Christmas that Christmas and birthdays going forward would be separate so it’s not a last minute decision.

Definitely a man thing! If they don’t want to split big ticket items maybe do them year about, so whatever house they/Santa are at buys the ‘main’ present that year and then both just buy the fillers that they want to buy.
You just don’t want to get into a position where they ask dad for an Xbox, mum for the latest PlayStation, grandparents for the latest phone, plus all the other gifts. This actually happened in my house one year.

Ah sorry. Tell her to buy her own.

Nope I was wrong !