Can I stop their dad coming back into their lives

[wednesdayworries]

Morning everyone, NC as my username could have been linked to me but I just wanted some advice really, abit of an AIBU as maybe I shouldn’t be thinking these things.

Basically my children’s dad of DS12 and DS10 decided 3 years ago he no longer wanted to be their Dad. He sent us all a message including my children saying he wouldn’t be their Dad anymore and that was literally it. We haven’t spoken a single world since, he also stopped his £20 a week maintenance on that day.

The years leading up to it were broken visits, forgotten maintenance payments, and basically be trying to force a relationship between him and them.

We had split up many years prior because of DV and have both moved on, i’ve had more children and from what i’ve heard through the grapevine so has he.

My children never ever ask for him, and certainly
dont miss out as a consequence of not having him in their life. Their behaviours have improved significantly as my son was showing aggressive tendencies after his visits.
Their stepdad has never once tried to replace him and the boundaries are always very clear but he’s a very strong, amazing father figure to them which is great.

My question is, if he ever tried to come back into their lives and pick up where he left off -
could he? Also terrified that if god forbid something happened to me, they would get sent back to him as there are no court orders etc in place to say he can’t.

He really is an awful awful man and these 2 things are my worst nightmare - please help!

Seek legal advice

seek legal advice, your children are coming up to an age where they are old enough to refuse contact anyway, and if you make a will making your new partner their guardian, that may carry some weight, particularly as they already live happily with him

So he is still their dad and he could of course decide to come back into their lives. First thing you can do is remind him that he owes maintenance and that may cause him to rethink! In any case as they get older, it's difficult to force the into contact if they don't want it.

My friend has a DH who desperately wanted contact and had a court order giving him contact and would drive up to pick up his teen DC who would basically stay in their house and not come out to him . He'd just sit there for several hours and drive home again. Very sad.
If there's safeguarding concerns as you indicated DV then you can of course raise that in the court application and contact may be extremely limited and possibly supervised. Again very hard to force teens into doing this!

Prepare yourself though that your DC may at some point want to have contact and may want to "see for themselves" what their Dad is like and although I totally understand your fears, you probably shouldn't stop them (unless you have safeguarding concerns).

Open a case with CMS for maintenance

Following because I feel the same but think you should seek legal advice as said above to weigh up your options. My DD hasn’t seen her dad since covid and he is refusing to speak to me. Me and DD have a routine and now that she is a teen I feel like she doesn’t need his mixed messages if he chooses to make an appearance.

I think it is normal to feel this way. Your DCs annoyingly will make up their own minds as they get older, however I understand why you would want him to keep their distance. He also should know that you don’t just walk in and out of children’s lives.

That really is so sad about your friend, and it annoys me so much when I hear of people not allowing access for no good reason when all i’ve done is try for a relationship - at the detriment of myself really.
You’re right though, they could want a relationship with him which also worries me. But i guess it would be sadly a situation of them seeing what he’s like for themselves once they are older. Thank
you for your advice x

Hmm. A think a chat with a family lawyer might be the best way forward.
I am absolutely not a lawyer, but this is my understanding of the situation.
If he just starts contacting you again, asking to see the boys, you could force him to go the legal route to get contact. This is usually mediation and then court if needed. You could refuse mediation because of the historic DV but depending on how much communication you were having before he decided to disappear, refusing mediation may or may not be seen in a bad light by the judge. A family court judge will be mightily unimpressed by this father telling you and his kids that he doesn’t want to be a Dad to them anymore and disappearing for years. And by the time this would reach court the kids would be old enough for their wishes to be taken into account too. The judge could possibly order some contact, but it would probably be something like letters or video calls building up to some real world contact. There is just no way a judge would order 50/50 or even every other weekend for example if the kids are happy in your home and don’t want contact or much contact with their dad. And of course, if seeing the boys requires more effort than just emailing you demanding it, he’s less likely to bother at all.
I think it’s definitely worth seeking advice from a family lawyer about how to protect your kids are much as possible in the event of your unexpected death. Although their dad said he no longer wants to parent them, it wasn’t a legal document so he presumably still retains parental responsibility legally. Their are some things you could perhaps do to show your wishes for the kids - writing a legal statement that you wish for them to remain in the family home with their step father and half-siblings if you die. This would not be legally binding, but it would help inform social services’ decision. It might help to be married to their step father if you’re not already. I’m not sure on that. And your kids are getting old enough now to have a say in things.
The watertight legal route would be for their stepfather to legally adopt them, but their biological father would have to sign a legal document forfeiting his parental responsibilities for that to happen. Which is risky, because reminding him he has children with you and asking him to legally as well as practically and emotionally give up parental responsibility for them might prompt him to refuse and ask for contact.

I have thought about doing this for so long now, but I really don’t want to ‘anger’ him so to speak. Hes such a nasty man, I wouldn’t put anything past him to avoid paying. Luckily i’ve managed so far on my own, even though it blows my mind a parent can live their lives with not a single thought as to how their children’s school trips or uniforms etc are being paid for!

This is really great advice thank you so much - I will start looking up family lawyers now to get things in place just incase. It will save a lot of sleepless nights that’s for sure!