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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Finding DH annoying and unfanciable

14 replies

oneflewoverthecukoo · 01/11/2023 07:40

We’re both 50 and have been married 23 years. I’m peri menopausal but am on HRT and it’s well controlled. We have 2 dc - one at university and one at college and they are no trouble. Rationally I know I’m really lucky. DH is very kind and generous. He works hard and has a very stressful job but earns well and we have a lovely home. I work as a carer for children with additional needs around 25-30 hours and enjoy my job very much. Because I work less hours I also do all the cleaning, washing, shopping and cooking.
DH works from home 2 days a week. On those days I’ll come home and he often won’t even have unloaded the dishwasher and his lunch things are on the side. He’ll say it’s because he’s had a meeting. He then proceeds to tell me about his work, how rubbish his coworkers are etc. On the days he’s in the office he comes home and tells the same things. He’s quite negative a lot of the time and this definitely brings my mood down as I’m naturally a positive person. He likes to have a project on (eg restoring a car) so if he’s not thinking about work he’s 100% preoccupied thinking about whatever that involves.
He leaves his clothes lying on the floor by his wardrobe where they’re in my way. If he opens a letter he leaves the envelope on the table instead of putting it in the recycling bin. He’s constantly doing things like this.
He farts a lot and makes no attempt to disguise it despite me telling him it’s disgusting.
Not sure what I’m asking but I need advice on regenerating my relationship.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 01/11/2023 07:48

My ex was like this..but he never did anything in house either..i work too..he works...doesnt absolve anyone from contributing housework wise. Rather than farting all time, he used to smell bad b.o whereas all house would smell, so another job for me to cover Smell up...he would rarely wash hands after loo so i ended up cooking doing everything... even if i said oooo b.o....he would just spray rather than wash pits! ...hated it...he also had loads warts on his hands he never did anything about.. his oral hygiene was bad. He made the whole house smell...got angry if i kept saying. Depression? Nah...just lazy and entitlement. He wasnt like it in beginning but once they get comfortable the real them comes out, after theyve 'caught ' you.
Tell him...i find that disgusting and it makes me less attracted to you also you need to step up on household tasks consistently. I was with ex 25 years. In the end i couldnt stand him near me.

barbarahunter · 01/11/2023 08:01

Do you love him, OP? Would you like to split up?

MrsElsa · 01/11/2023 08:04

Is he interested in sex still? Tell him every time he farts it pours sand in your vagina. See if he bothers to behave himself then.

oneflewoverthecukoo · 01/11/2023 08:08

I don’t want to get divorced, but i do find myself thinking about being on my own more and more. I’m just finding it hard to see the positives in our relationship at the moment.
We do still have sex a couple of times a week, but I’m having to use my imagination a lot to get in the mood.

OP posts:
MarkBritt30 · 01/11/2023 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

youveturnedupwelldone · 01/11/2023 08:14

Is it the being taken for granted aspect? I wfh more than I do in the office, am usually in back to back meetings and I still manage to empty the dishwasher and put the envelopes in the recycling. Does he even think about "if I don't do it, who does?" Because by default that will be you, right....

Also - have things changed or has this always been the way things have been? As in he's never emptied the dishwasher or put the envelopes away? I don't think it's ok either way by the way - just curious as to whether you've (finally!) lost patience with the status quo that involves you doing everything or if there's been a change recently that's fuelled your discontent.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/11/2023 08:34

I would be have a very open, direct conversation with him. I wouldn't mince words, and would tell him that your marriage is on very shaky ground. I would list all of the things above and tell him you feel demoralised, drained, disrespected, and taken for granted. I'd be telling him that if he doesn't start making an effort and doing his fair share, your marriage may not be savable.

oneflewoverthecukoo · 01/11/2023 09:02

I’m not sure why I’ve started feeling like this. I think this is a rut we’ve fallen into and i am feeling like he’s unintentionally disrespecting me without realising it.

I confronted him the other day about leaving his clothes on the floor and he made out I was nagging him and was completely unapologetic. However since then he has put his clothes away - it’s pretty unattractive having to pull your husband up about something like that though.

I agree we do need a proper conversation about all this.

OP posts:
TheOneWhereWeDontGiveAPhuck · 01/11/2023 11:40

You just sound like maybe you are no longer attracted to him. Not unloading the dishwasher isn't a biggie, when he's at home working you don't know how busy his work day has been. I have some days where I dont even get time to make a coffee, and other days where its calmed down and I can do a lot more.

Resilience · 01/11/2023 11:57

Many many psychologists and relationship counsellors will tell you that housework - and in particular leaving your shit around for someone else to clear up after you - can kill relationships if it's not negotiated properly.

Picking up someone's used underpants and wet towels makes you feel like a maid. It does not make you think phwoar I want to jump their bones.

My golden rule is that in a balanced relationship both people's lives should be easier than if they lived separately. DH and I both work full time and earn the same. Housework is split 50/50. We each do our own laundry and packed lunches. Vacuuming, dishwasher etc is split between us all (DC included) equally. I have a very very very reduced tolerance for this slipping and being made to do more than my share. I have a DH who isn't too good at putting things away. It's his home too so I usually leave it 24-48 hours but after that I've been known to deposit it on his bed or in the bin because it was in my way. He doesn't do it so much anymore.

Anyone who thinks housework is too trivial to split up over has seriously missed the point that it's just a gauge for the balance of responsibilities and respect in your relationship. If it's unbalanced, it definitely IS worth leaving over if it can't be fixed.

The farting thing is a bit more personal. We all do it and some people don't mind or even find it funny. Personally, I'd again find it a bit of a passion killer. DH and I have occasionally let one off accidentally and might laugh about it but we both avoid it. Shitting, farting, scratching your genitals, phlegming - most people don't indulge in these in the early stages of a relationship for good reason. As a relationship develops that might change as you have other binds, but they are not known for increasing passion!

I think you need to spell it out OP. If he chooses to do nothing, that's an answer of sorts.

Beryls · 01/11/2023 12:03

I work from home, I get 30 minutes for lunch, I don't have time to do housework in that time so I think that bit is a little unfair.

SapatSea · 06/01/2024 14:46

Maybe show him this to help explain how you feel:
https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

It can feel like you are being treated like the "housekeeper" and that your time is not as valuable as his. That you are the domestic help. It can feel like your H isnt doing tiny little things to make your life together a little easier and nicer - you get to deal with all the shit, rather than the big important man!

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink – Matthew Fray

https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink

TomatoSandwiches · 06/01/2024 14:52

He is taking you for granted, you need to have a serious discussion.

JenniferJuniper80 · 06/01/2024 14:53

Tell me how you stopped farting op. I'd love to know.
Apparently I deflate every night. My husband thinks it's funny/cute but I'd love to know how to quit farting.

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