Difficult relationship with my mum

[pumpkinpie21]

Sorry if this is long. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I really need some support but not sure where to turn. I feel very alone. Dh is supportive but doesn't get it, he's just annoyed by the situation.

Growing up my mum and I were close. She was a single parent and I always felt loved and prioritised. With the benefit of hindsight I see she left me with grandparents quite a lot to go off and do her own thing but she always made sure I was fed, clothed and worked hard to do so. I guess when she left me it was because she felt she deserved a break.

She's always been a drinker but in the last 10 years it has really spiralled. She lost her partner just before covid and that has been the catalyst for serious, daily drinking. Often before lunch.

This has damaged our relationship as I simply can't stand being around her when she's drunk and I'm so frustrated at her for damaging her health, life and our relationship because of it. She has health issues but won't visit the doctor. She complains she is lonely but won't go out because she prefers to be at home drinking. She is incredibly anxious about doing very normal things like driving to the shops. But she won't speak to anyone or consider help of any kind (apart from anything that comes out of a bottle).

I've tried to support her but I am drained and so sad that my only real family member (dad left when I was a child and started a new family, never seen him since) has basically abandoned me and my dc. She makes token gestures on birthdays and Christmas but she often lets me down or cancels plans.

She never helps with the dc and my youngest has no relationship with her really. I don't feel like I have any emotional support from her, in fact she is just another source of worry and guilt for me. I see friends having nice days out shopping with their mums or their mums voluntarily taking their kids so they can have a break and I just wish mine was like that.

I don't doubt she needs some sort of help but I've tried and tried but she just won't seek help for anything be it alcohol, physical health, counselling, she has shut herself off.

How do I come to terms with this having once been so close?

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. It is small wonder that you feel distanced from her and she has become an area in your life not of support but to worry about. She sounds like she is an alcoholic and the thought of her driving is a scary one. It would also be risky for her to look after your DC. Sadly she has to make the effort to help herself, you cannot, no matter how dearly you want to. Have you tried Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire for support for yourself?

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Thank you for replying. I have read up a lot about addiction and understand it's probably no longer a choice as such for her. That said she still works 5 days a week (always drinks afterwards) and on the occasions that I see her sober she's fine and I enjoy her company. This is why I haven't totally broken off contact, because there's still enough of the old mum left in there. When she's sober we don't tend to talk about it and it's become a huge elephant in the room.

But it's definitely getting worse. I feel like I have to include her in things like holidays or days out but she'll usually only come if it's something that involves booze (pub lunch). If it's not she'll either not come or she'll spend the whole time looking anxious like she can't wait to get home. If I didn't ask I'd feel guilty for not trying to include her.

Our relationship is more and more strained by the day and it makes me so sad.