Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm not the friend she needs right now

27 replies

TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 22:48

I have a dear friend who I have known for over ten years. Due to circumstance and personal choice, our lives are very different now.
She is a SAHP and I work full time out the house in a busy, unpredictable role. My child is in school. She homeschools.
I think it wasn't always so obvious but we're just not managing to meet up much at all anymore. I'm not home until 7 each night, her little one goes to bed at 6.30.

Weekends we always have class birthday party's or family things or I'm just exhausted. If we do plan to meet up, she'd rather go early in the morning but we don't get up until late as we've had to rush out the house for breakfast club five days of that week.
I feel it's very frustrating for her as I'm never around. I don't have a partner and so meeting up on our own is impossible, and I use all my annual leave on school holidays, when we usually go away.
She has made a lot of comments about not wanting to miss any of her child's life, and that she would never force her child into childcare, but I have no choice financially. I have also made comments that she hasn't liked about how school is beneficial for teaching resilience and that I think it's the 'least worst' option. Our disagreements have got quite heated, as obviously we both think we're doing the best thing for our children. We're both single parents and have made different choices based on our idea of what's most important.
I mostly feel like I let her down a lot by not being there much. I can often only spend about one day a month with her, when she really wants me to be there on a weekly basis.
Does anyone else struggle with making a friendship work when you obviously have very different ethos's about parenting and priorities?

OP posts:
wesurecouldstandgladioli · 31/10/2023 22:53

Sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of you and your friendship.

She is in a privileged position being able to be a SAHM (assuming no caring needs and that she gets child maintenance), and needs to understand that you are stretched much more thinly.

Keep prioritising yourself, don’t sacrifice precious weekend lie ins for her.

Antst · 31/10/2023 22:55

We all have busy periods. Or poor periods where someone can't afford a babysitter or transportation to activities. It happens.

As your children become more independent, you may want to see more of each other. For now, do what you can. If that means hauling children along for a quick coffee somewhere, do that.

Remind yourself and ask her to remember that you're both doing your best for your kids and they'll probably be fine. Kids need interested parents who make an effort and it sounds like you both are. Try taking the heat out of debates by praising some aspect of what she does. You both have different systems. Try letting her know how interested you are in her methods, even though you're fine with yours. Parenting techniques are what you have in common right now!

TedWilson · 31/10/2023 23:02

Her world sounds very small. I suspect she needs you more than you need her. That said be gentle but she clearly has no idea about the impact being in work has.

Original poster
TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:06

@TedWilson she's not demanding at all and there's no brittleness. It just feels like I'm being a bit dismissive when I say it's very unlikely that I'll be able to see her anytime after school and that I might be booked up for three weekends in a row. It sounds a bit that I don't care, when I do!

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 31/10/2023 23:09

She is probably very isolated, but that is her own making, I guess?

If you care about her/miss her/etc, try to meet up.
But you seem to have very different lives and life styles.

SkaneTos · 31/10/2023 23:14

If she home schools her child, perhaps she can find like minded friends in the home schooling world.

Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor · 31/10/2023 23:16

I have also made comments that she hasn't liked about how school is beneficial for teaching resilience and that I think it's the 'least worst' option. Our disagreements have got quite heated

Why are you discussing and disagreeing about this stuff though?
Other parents make different choices, they may mention something (or maybe not mention it in a way that makes them sound as if their way is superior), if it’s not something you’d do you just nod and smile and think things rather than say them surely?

Original poster
TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:16

@SkaneTos but do you think that is what people tend to do? Have friends who mostly live in similar ways to them?

OP posts:
Original poster
TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:19

@Moderateorgoodoccasionallyverypoor I suppose it's just the way conversations go at times, we don't start off trying to argue but she feels very strongly about her way and I suppose I was defending why I chose school and that's how we got onto the topic. You can't always avoid it, obviously we made choices based on what we thought was right.

OP posts:
SkaneTos · 31/10/2023 23:22

TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:16

@SkaneTos but do you think that is what people tend to do? Have friends who mostly live in similar ways to them?

No, I think it's really great to have friends that are different from you!
I have many friends who have differents lives from me.

But if she is making comments about how she would never force her child into child care, when you and most parents need to use child care, how does that make you feel? She doesn't want "miss any of her child's life", I guess most parents don't want to miss any of their child's lives! But most people have to work!

theduchessofspork · 31/10/2023 23:23

One day a month is loads!

If that’s not enough for her then she really does need more sources of support

I think you need to untangle in your head whether your chief worry is whether you can’t be there for her (not true) or whether you just don’t like her anymore.

If it’s the former then talk to her next time you see her. Say you always look forward to seeing her and wish it could be more often. But also say you’d like not to compete over parenting styles anymore (you sound as bad as each other.). If it’s the latter then phase out.

Tbry · 31/10/2023 23:25

Neither of you are wrong you are both in different circumstances but that doesn’t mean you can’t be great friends.

Set aside one day (weekend not early) per month when you see each other obviously with the children.

I was a lone parent so my child went everywhere with me, if it wasn’t appropriate for a child I wasn’t there so examples being many trips to the park with a picnic or an ice cream, cheap day out to a child friendly place, tea or lunch at each others houses, trip to the library and then lunch in a cafe. All that sort of stuff and yes I understand that other parents who aren’t lone parents sometimes fail to understand how much harder things can be 💐

Then that one day per month you both decline child class party invites or family stuff as that’s your day together.

Soapboxqueen · 31/10/2023 23:26

Has your friend given you any indication that she isn't happy with the way your friendship is going?

If not, I wouldn't feel worried about not being available. If she has, there isn't really anything you can do about it.Things are what they are.

If she's just suggesting meet ups then I don't think she's annoyed it's just that she'd like to see you. Yes it might be easier for her to suggest things more regularly but just be clear that you can't fit it in. Maybe suggest something yourself so it works for you and she knows she has something in the diary where you will meet.

Just because she's Home Edding doesn't mean she's isolated or at least no more than anyone with a child in school. There are plenty of opportunities to meet other families. If she is struggling there then suggest she joins some local groups on Facebook to find where everyone is.

Original poster
TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:33

@Soapboxqueen she has in some ways. I think the reality is that my life is busy but also unpredictable in a way that hers isn't. I can agree to meet but a million things might get in the way or mean that I can't meet for as long as I would like. She has time so can just plan things more. Little things like Saturday is the only day I can food shop, clean my house, go to the bank to pay in a cheque, drop things to charity shops, buy birthday presents!

OP posts:
Original poster
TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:35

@Soapboxqueen I just feel like I say no and decline invitations a lot and worry that she thinks I don't care.

OP posts:
WeightWhat · 31/10/2023 23:46

One day a month is loads with a small child.

You need to have confidence that you are doing fine. She’s unrealistic about the amount of disposable time you have and what you need to do with it. But that is her issue. Just keep on maintaining the friendship at the level that suits you.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 31/10/2023 23:55

TransformationChynaDoll · 31/10/2023 23:06

@TedWilson she's not demanding at all and there's no brittleness. It just feels like I'm being a bit dismissive when I say it's very unlikely that I'll be able to see her anytime after school and that I might be booked up for three weekends in a row. It sounds a bit that I don't care, when I do!

Tell her this, that you wish you could see her more often but genuinely only have one spare weekend a month. If her child/children are homeschooled and have other homeschooled friends they are more likely to have birthday parties through the week. You have longer days through the week because you get up early for school/work so value later starts at the weekend.

Saracen · 01/11/2023 04:37

If you do want to continue the friendship, you could still keep it ticking along and let her know you care by being in contact even though you don't meet up much. Forward a silly joke to her, mark her kid's birthday on your calendar so you can be sure to send a card, ring her up when you have ten minutes while waiting for your child to come out of after school club. Just let her know you are thinking of her.

jeaux90 · 01/11/2023 06:35

OP I'm a really busy working lone parent too. Honestly we can't live our lives around other peoples expectations, we just can't. We walk permanently on tightrope of time and balance between kids/work/home needs.

She is walking a very different path from you and that's ok. Just tell her that. That's she is your friend and you care but just have very little time.

I hardly see any of my friends, I just don't have time. They get it. They work round me.

LizzieSiddal · 01/11/2023 06:41

She wants to spend one day a week with you? That’s a ridiculous amount to spend with the one person when you work all week. I’d explain that you have such a lot to fit in at the weekend that you can’t see her every week, because it sounds like she just doesn’t understand what it’s like to have a full time job and a child

Doingmybest12 · 01/11/2023 06:48

TbH I'm not sure I'd want to see someone once a week if it ended up in heated exchanges and feeling rubbish about life situations and if this was happening monthly I'd begin to back off anyway. She is being totally unrealistic. I would say it's great to see her once a month abd plan it ahead if you can, don't get sucked in to being made to feel bad about it.

squashi · 01/11/2023 06:48

Friendships do change as life changes. It sounds as if the friendship means a lot to you - hopefully it does to her too. I'd try to hang onto it and accept that its patterns are different now.
I agree with PP who suggested keeping in touch with messages, jokes, birthday cards etc when you haven't got space to meet up. And be honest when you simply don't have that space.
Maybe also try and be positive (even if you don't feel that way!) about her life and parenting choices - this might alleviate your more 'heated' conversations!
She may be feeling a bit defensive or implicitly criticised (not necessarily by you) about the way she's bringing up her child, and need the odd bit of reassurance.

PackageCount167 · 01/11/2023 07:00

I home school my 3 girls, they were previously in school and I pulled them out after covid.

We keep half terms and school holidays free for the girls to have lots of playdates. Im shattered after a homeschooling day and I would have said the same for a SAHP or a working mum....also weekends are busy for me with clubs etc.

Is that something you and your friend could do? Meet up in the hols and in between you could do a long telephone call. But only if you want to!
Im very selective with friends now!

sollenwir · 01/11/2023 07:06

Sounds like both your lives have changed since you first became friends - neither way of life is wrong, but they also don't seem that compatible either. Remember the good times you had, but also get on with living your life the way it works for you.

Lastchancechica · 01/11/2023 07:11

Your lives are currently worlds apart, and seemingly she judges your choices too which would annoy me.

I think a frank conversation can fix this.
Your friend needs to stop pressing for weekly meet ups, once a month of is plenty.

Is she lonely perhaps craving adult conversation after all week with her dc? This is not on you to provide, she has made her own choices and she has to accept the downsides too.

Stick to your monthly meet ups, avoid comparing lives/schools and don’t feel any pressure to do more. It’s more than enough already!

Swipe left for the next trending thread