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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to move on with my life after my divorce

22 replies

Anawana · 31/10/2023 17:54

I moved to the UK 6 years ago for my then husband. We lived happily until last year when he came out as asexual. We got a divorce in May this year.

I still live in his hometown, which isn't big. I'm definitely more of a city person and never fully liked it here. I have few friends as my social circle was mainly comprised of his family and friends, who never reached out to me after the divorce. I have no family.

I work 100% remotely and my wage is average. There is no career progression so I don't want to stay here but also don't want to risk anything by changing jobs with a potential recession pending at the minute.

Today I told my therapist that I'm unhappy with pretty much all aspects of my life. I'm 30 next year and feel like I'm running out of time. I want to move on, find a man and have kids. Move to some place that I'm happy and find a better job.

He told me that I was being unreasonable by expecting to move on since it hasn't been too long since my divorce. Am I being unreasonable? If not, where do I start making changes in my life? All of my problems are all intertwined with each other and I'm not sure who I am or what to do as next steps in my life.

OP posts:

Menopants · 31/10/2023 17:56

Move home there is no reason to stay

gotomomo · 31/10/2023 18:01

Move, you don't need permission from your therapist, he obviously doesn't understand. I moved before I divorced, met a better man and very happy!

Original poster

Anawana · 31/10/2023 18:26

Thanks both. I just don't know where to start. Glad it's work out for you @gotomomo!

OP posts:

pieinthesky10 · 31/10/2023 18:27

I would just do it, move to where you want job hunt and start dating...life is short why wait ?

GoodToBeHome · 31/10/2023 18:32

Go now while you are young! The next ten years will go quickly....don't waste them in a small town with nothing to keep you there.

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2023 18:35

Do you have any existing children?

if no, now is the time to take big dramatic leaps and find the life you want. The only constraint is don’t incur debt. You will have already had some financial setback just from getting divorced, don’t make your situation worse by accruing debt

no idea why your therapist is advising caution.

Original poster

Anawana · 31/10/2023 18:41

I don't have any kids, no. I agree. I feel like this is my chance to make big changes.

OP posts:

therealcookiemonster · 31/10/2023 19:11

probably the first change you should make is to change your therapist.

Amonthinthecountry · 31/10/2023 19:15

Oh just do it. Life’s too short!

Rocksonabeach · 31/10/2023 19:16

Move now to where you want. If you can work from there or transfer go and don’t look back.

get a new therapist in a new area

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2023 19:17

You probably aren’t in an emotional place to settle down with the love of your life in the next few months. Aside from that, you are in a perfect position to decide what you want out of life and go for it. You had a round one and it’s time for a reset.

you are a bit older and hopefully wiser. Be cautious, be smart, but really, find a new therapist.

AproposofEverything · 31/10/2023 19:18

It sounds like your situation is actually simple, you want to move and should do. The fact your ex husband is thinking he has any say is another prime reason you should move.

TeaMistress · 31/10/2023 19:25

If you work remotely then the world is your oyster. You have no children and nothing to keep you there. Do you have family anywhere else in the UK that you could move closer to? Do you rent or own your house? I would start making plans to move away for a fresh start elsewhere. Disregard what your ex and your therapist are saying. Their opinion doesn't matter and you should do what is going to make your life happier.

Thehumiliatedfish · 31/10/2023 19:31

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to move somewhere else etc. You have nothing tying you down now.

What I would be cautious about (and I say this as someone who has recently ended a 20 year relationship) is going into another relationship. Make sure you allow yourself time to reflect on what caused the end of your marriage to recognise what you need in subsequent relationships. But there is no limit on how long that needs or can take. I'm older and have kids already so have no desire to find another 'life partner' currently.

Peachonthebeach · 31/10/2023 19:36

Yanbu! Your therapist is not your keeper !
you are young, go for it! Onwards and upwards 🥳

BlondeFool · 31/10/2023 19:39

Change your therapist. Move and change your life. Have fun!

UhOhEeek75 · 31/10/2023 19:43

Agree with PP, I would find a new therapist... moving to a new city is a good excuse to say goodbye to the old one ;)

IncomingTraffic · 31/10/2023 19:45

You’re in your 20s, not tied anywhere for work and have literally no reason whatsoever not to move wherever you like.

Don’t worry about the finding someone new part of things. That can take care of itself as you build the life you want.

Make a list of things you want to do. Are there places you want to visit, sports or activities you’ve always wanted to do, things you want to achieve? Doesn’t have to be anything big or impressive. In fact, starting small (I want to take a weekly Pilates class, for example) is great.

As you do that, you can figure out where you’d like to be. You say your job is remote - but is there an office location that moving closer to might give you possibilities for in person events?

And, yes, change your therapist!

TheYear2000 · 31/10/2023 19:55

I find it very strange and unhealthy your therapist is questioning your wish to move on with your life. Do you think it's possible there's been some miscommunication?

Trust your instincts, move and get on with your life! You are still really young and you deserve to make the life you want.

I fell in love with the first person I went on a date with after my marriage broke down- and we have a much happier and healthier relationship than my marriage ever was.

Original poster

Anawana · 01/11/2023 09:42

Thanks all. Just to clarify, and someone asked above as well - I was telling my therapist that I want to get on with my life and find love, have kids, move to somewhere I'll be happy and get a better job and felt like I wanted to start planning as I'm 30 next year and feel like I have limited time. I also said that I didn't know who I was and how to plan my next steps and asked for his help.

He then said that I wasn't probably in a right psychological state to make all these big changes and it was unreasonable for me to push myself and try and shake a leg as it hasn't been that long since my divorce.

OP posts:

Almostateeagersmum2023 · 01/11/2023 09:48

You’re in your 20s, take a career break go travelling for a year, you can do anything grab this chance.

Pixiedust1234 · 01/11/2023 10:01

I was about to say change therapist too but your next post changes it a little. He means stay still, breathe, and focus on what is really important before imploding your life.

A new love can happen anywhere, as can friendships, but you do need to create the opportunities. If you wfh then you need to expand your social life. Gym classes, WI type meetings, does your local church hold social non religious activities? You might be happier to stay with your job and your location if this side was satiated first. If you are in the middle of Yorkshire moors then this would be limited so moving to a less rural area would be the priority.

So if you could only change one thing which do you think would cause the biggest, but nicest, impact?

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