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Original poster

Gift etiquette

26 replies

ChristmasFanatic · 31/10/2023 17:35

Partner and I have been together 4 years. His family live 200 miles away but visit every 2 months(ish). I have 4 children from a previous marriage. This year I had his first baby.

His family came to visit yesterday and bought down Christmas gifts incase they can't come again before.

My 2 children (9 and 12) sat there whilst they saw the baby be presented with two boxes of gifts whilst they had one gift each.

Is this how things work? Do grandparents and uncles spoil their genetic grandchildren and the step-grandkids (is that what it's called?!) Get a little token gesture? I think my heart just sank a little for them.

OP posts:
CesareBorgia · 31/10/2023 17:48

Were the baby's gifts more expensive than your other DCs' or just more numerous?

fluffypotatoes · 31/10/2023 17:50

At least it wasn't on actual Christmas day but yes it is perfectly normal especially if they hardly know the other kids and a good opportunity for you to explain blended families.

fluffypotatoes · 31/10/2023 17:51

Your other kids have their other family to give them gifts if they are around, they wouldn't be expected to give to your baby

Screamingabdabz · 31/10/2023 17:52

Yes that’s bad form but if they’re not close to your children it’s probably more accident than design.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/10/2023 18:06

What’s been the arrangement until now? Has it always been just one present? I’d imagine they assume your older DC receive their main presents from their actual paternal grandparents, who presumably won’t give to your youngest. Do your DC think of and treat your DP’s parents the same way they do your parents and their dad’s parents?

I think your older children are old enough to understand that blended families mean different relationships between those in them.

Uniquuue · 31/10/2023 18:06

Pretty much normal from reading threads on here

readingismycardio · 31/10/2023 18:08

Hm, I'm in two minds, honestly. They obviously aren't close to your children, and to buy presents for 4 extra children I imagine it can get pretty expensive. However, they did buy something, didn't come empty handed...

regularmumnotacoolmum · 31/10/2023 18:11

This is pretty much what happens in my family. My brother and I usually get token gifts or only get gifts for milestone birthdays but my step-siblings get proper gifts. I don't have any half siblings.

Strawberryfieldsforeverrr · 31/10/2023 18:12

They got them a gift, I think that's enough really. It's how most blended families work, they are kind to your children but don't love them probably.

hattie43 · 31/10/2023 18:20

You've been with your partner 4 yrs so I'm assuming his parents haven't had too much involvement with your kids . I don't think they can be expected to buy for 4 extra children . The new baby is their sons baby so understandable that they want to spoil . It's not like they totally left your children out , they had a gift .
It's not unusual for blood related children to be treated differently.

Icefoot · 31/10/2023 18:24

Will your DC's father's family be buying the baby presents?

I'd say they went beyond what was strictly necessary by bringing anything for your DC, that was a nice thing to do.

But no, things won't be equal between DC in a blended family.

Luxell934 · 31/10/2023 19:25

They brought presents for your children so they didn’t leave them out.

It’s just obvious that this is their first biological grand child and wanted to spoil them on their first Christmas.

Will your ex partners parents or anyone from your children’s family be buying presents for your new baby? Likely not.

FortofPud · 28/12/2023 04:35

It's weird and cheap (the book more than the stacking toy which they may have misrembered who it came from), but no good will come from pointing it out. None. Just take it on the chin or give more of a token gift next time.

BowlOfNoodles · 08/01/2024 12:59

They got a token gift which was polite of them

BowlOfNoodles · 08/01/2024 13:01

They can't bring sacks of gifts for your 4 children nor shouid they have to not spoil an actual grandchild personally I'd be greatful

FlyingInAPlane · 08/01/2024 13:03

It depends if your children have grandparents on yours and you exes side and if you treat new ILs as full grandparents

HoppingPavlova · 08/01/2024 13:10

Perfectly normal. I used to get a smaller token gift from my step-father’s parents in comparison to his bio children. But I used to get a substantial gift from my father’s parents, who didn’t get my (step)siblings anything. I would always get a ‘better’ gift from my mothers parents, simply because of my age compared to my younger siblings, although when they got older they would then get equivalent gifts to those I got around the same age. So it all evens out, and that’s just the way it works in step-families, it’s fair.

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 08/01/2024 13:14

I’m a step child and my step grandparents have always treated me absolutely equal in every way, I was 2 years old when my mum and stepdad met if that has any bearing.

From experience on MN the trend seems to be that your other children shouldn’t expect anything. I would never bring gifts for only one child so I couldn’t behave as your in laws have and I would judge them harshly on it. But I’m the person who always buys token gifts for the other siblings when I bring a birthday present for a child and that’s a massive taboo thing to do according to MN as well.

nonevernotever · 08/01/2024 13:18

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 08/01/2024 13:14

I’m a step child and my step grandparents have always treated me absolutely equal in every way, I was 2 years old when my mum and stepdad met if that has any bearing.

From experience on MN the trend seems to be that your other children shouldn’t expect anything. I would never bring gifts for only one child so I couldn’t behave as your in laws have and I would judge them harshly on it. But I’m the person who always buys token gifts for the other siblings when I bring a birthday present for a child and that’s a massive taboo thing to do according to MN as well.

But she says they did bring a present for each of her other children, just the baby got more? That seems perfectly reasonable to me. My sister was adopted and traced her birth family when she was old enough. It never occurred to me to be jealous that her birth family all gave her presents at Christmas and didn't give the rest of us anything.

banjocat · 08/01/2024 13:21

Blended families are a little complicated, but I think the best etiquette is exactly as your husband's parents did - fine to spoil their own grandchildren, but they should definitely bring a gift for other kids who will be there too, so they are not watching empty handed. That's exactly what they did.

My half-siblings always got more from their biological grandparents, but they always gave me a gift or some money as well.

It felt perfectly fair to me - I wasn't their biological grandchild, and I also had my own family as well (who didn't get anything for my half-siblings because they never saw them).

It's not a bad lesson for kids that the world doesn't always revolve around them.

banjocat · 08/01/2024 13:29

eatsleepfarmrepeat · 08/01/2024 13:14

I’m a step child and my step grandparents have always treated me absolutely equal in every way, I was 2 years old when my mum and stepdad met if that has any bearing.

From experience on MN the trend seems to be that your other children shouldn’t expect anything. I would never bring gifts for only one child so I couldn’t behave as your in laws have and I would judge them harshly on it. But I’m the person who always buys token gifts for the other siblings when I bring a birthday present for a child and that’s a massive taboo thing to do according to MN as well.

I was also 2 years old when my family blended, and my extended step-family never treated me quite the same as their biological grandchildren (my half siblings).

I don't resent them for seeing it this way - I think it's unusual for people to take non-genetic kids under their wing in the exact same way as their genetic relatives.

Even step parents can struggle with it, but they are expected to know what they are getting into and hopefully take on a parental sort of role. But their extended family didn't make that choice regarding taking on extra grandchildren/nieces/nephews etc. so it's perfectly understandable.

Of course they should be acknowledged (hence a token gift), but treating them the same as their genetic relatives, although a nice thing if it happens, shouldn't be expected.

The best thing to do is to explain to the children the dynamics of blended families and what it means - at 9 and 12 they are more than old enough to understand and not feel resentful about material gifts.

GingerLiberalFeminist · 08/01/2024 13:37

In my experience as a step child, pretty standard. At least your kids got a gift. I used to get a dove deodorant set and my brother a lynx one. Tokenism at it's finest.

I doubt I'll ever have step kids but if I do I'll work hard to make it better for them.

muddyford · 08/01/2024 14:40

But don't your children from first time round get presents from their biological father and his family?

Youcannotbeseriousreally · 08/01/2024 14:44

MIL buys wayyyyy more for her biological grandchildren than for my kids.

My mum buys the same because she is nice. Same with my brother , buys the same for everyone, his brother buys more for his biological nieces.

It is what it is.

hanschristmassolo · 08/01/2024 15:18

It's taking the piss a bit to expect them to spend equal amounts on FOUR children that are not related to them! Not even by marriage