There is always one..How to overcome the guilt of gift giving at Christmas?

[whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher]

So as a family we took the decision to stop buying each other gifts for Christmas,except for children.Everyone was really relieved and it took serious amounts of pressure off everyone financially.Except two family members refuse to do this.They say they will agree every year but then just cannot or will not do it.This year everyone else has decided they will have to get the refusers a gift each in preparation for them buying.The guilt is awful and it looks like we now have to fall back on buying and all the pressure of this because of their selfishness.This is causing problems already.Are the majority of us sane ,reasonable people being so unreasonable? What do you all think?

So leave them to buy the gifts and the rest of you don't. If they don't want to hand it over, or hand it over very grudging then give it back. You're all adults, don't let one dictate to the others.

Just don’t feel guilty- it’s a choice. They know your choice and choose presents… you know their choice and choose no presents. If necessary buy a charity gift so someone else benefits in their name if you REALLY need to…

The pressure is mainly coming from other family members who do not wan to appear uncaring or tightfisted. No one wants or needs anything they cannot buy for themselves, We just feel bad when they agree and then do the exact opposite and we cannot get our heads round why they would do this?

You don't need to buy them presents, if they like gift giving just accept the gift with good grace. Everybody's made their position clear.

What do you have to feel guilty about? You've agreed to not exchange gifts and if they don't stick to it, it's up to them to feel guilty about their selfishness and imposing their wants on others against their will.

If they want to buy stuff, they should do just that and buy themselves stuff. Not railroad others into a pointless wasteful exercise against their will.

If they insist on giving, let them.

Don't give back, just smile and say a huge thank you!

I think overtime it becomes the norm. My friends and I buy sometimes for each other and not at other times. Nothing expected, nothing begrudged.

They will know what to expect next year to, giving and knowing they won't get back.

You are not being unreasonable
I used to buy for the entire family, despite whether or not I had seen them that year. The pandemic put an end to it for us and I share your relief. My two cousins went and bought presents for my Grandma in secret which caused trouble for my siblings and me. I don't know why people have to just go back on their word!
You don't need to buy for the two family members who refuse to go by what has been discussed. Are they refusing because they give to recieve?
Please don't feel guilty about it, its not like you are leaving them out and not buying for them may help them recieve the message!
Took me a long time to deal with this myself but I got there!
I married into a family who don't celebrate Christmas and it has made me see things differently in the sense of gift giving.

This was us a few years ago. It annoyed me because I only wanted to gift to the children. I ended up buying a few chocolate oranges and asked the girls to gift them to the adults. However prices and bills have shot up, so this year we're not doing token gifts. We're only gifting to the children. We're sticking to it, because we cannot afford to do otherwise. The alternative would be to bake ginger loaves/cookies and gift those?

So you reiterate the no gift agreement via text well ahead of Christmas and don't give in to the crowd pressure.

A quick "as agreed we won't be buying Christmas presents this year and obviously don't expect any from you guys, look FWD to meeting up at some point for a drink "

Just smile and say ‘thank you, you shouldn’t have but it’s lovely’.

Some people just want to, it’s part of how they celebrate. Let them. It doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate.

I would make sure that everyone is receiving presents from somewhere though. We started giving people presents from our children because we realised they were buying for many but received very little. That’s ok in some circumstances, but not all.

Some people may end up have no one to give to and no one to receive from, and that feels very lonely.

I stopped feeling guilty. I’ve told the adults I don’t want gifts and we’ll be buying for kids only. It started with they’d then get us a small box of chocolates and I’d feel guilty and buy them a small box too. Then I thought wtf no. So I said still no gifts for us and I’ve stopped buying for them fully. Last year they finally didn’t send anything for us, only kids and us only their kids. Win finally.

Send a text now to reiterate that you’re sticking to the no gifts agreement then force yourself to abide by it. If you really feel awkward, get the kids to make a homemade decoration or decorate some cookies to give when you meet up around Christmas. But stick to your guns, you’ll feel better for it.

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Send them this. He's been trying it since the last CoL crisis 15 years ago, but without success because too many people enjoy buying shit that no-one needs or wants too much and they seem to think that people who don't want to partake in the stressful, wasteful exercise are the ones at fault.

Tin of sweets or a bottle of wine.

Something to unwrap, something pleasant, but something that takes no effort - ie. Food.

TBH, in our family, we only give presents if we're going to meet someone - and even then, it's generally food type stuff and the kids get money - as we don't see each other enough to know what someone would actually like, and none of us want pointless tat.

Do secret Santa

Depends who they are - is it your parents? As they may feel they have a "role" as gift givers

Do not do secret santa - I'm totally laid back as a rule, but I was spitting the year we were persuaded to do Secret Santa with a 35 quid limit (not forced on anyone, we'd have been just as happy with a tenner limit). I'd just had a baby, still trekked out and got the 3 presents required (DP, me, baby), and received in return 2 bags for life and a projecting torch (total cost 7 quid max)

I know who got them too. Never bought for them, or participated in secret santa ever again.

If it makes them happy to give gifts, and they feel they can afford it, just let them crack on! It doesn't mean you have to give them things in return.

I love buying gifts for people I love and spend what I can comfortably afford because I enjoy it - and I generally couldn't care less whether or not I get one in return. I mean, OK I would be hurt if my husband or my mom didn't get me anything. But beyond that I generally don't care. I don't give to receive. Maybe your family members are the same?

You shouldn't seek to control them and tell them they CAN'T buy you stuff. Just like nobody can control you and make you buy stuff. You should all do what you want to and what makes you most happy, surely?

If you really don't want their gifts, you could give them back I suppose. Seems a bit mean though. I would just say thanks.

I agree with @Ilovelurchers
i also love buying and giving gifts
I’d hate it if my extended family tried to impose on me a rule that we only buy for kids
I’d still buy them gifts, but just not expect anything in return

It sounds like they felt pressured into agreeing to something they didn’t want

You’ve been clear what your position is. You only buy for kids.
Stick to that

If they still want to buy YOU something graciously accept. But no need for you to reciprocate

You have to keep not buying, and reiterating 'no presents please', they will get there. I bet they will buy something this year, but maybe not costing as much. Just give it time and persevere

This ^

they either do it because they genuinely like giving presents and don't mind if they don't get anything back, or because they disagree with not buying presents for adults because they like receiving gifts and know if they buy something you feel obliged to get them something in return.

you are only being unreasonable by enabling this by buying back-up presents!
Just let them get you something this year, and say 'Oh, thanks, but we agreed we weren't doing presents for adults so I haven't got you anything.' It's only awkward if you let it be.

I bet they don't bother next year and if they do keep buying without getting anything back they clearly just like and get enjoyment out of gift giving and don't expect or want reciprocation, so no need to feel guilty. Come on, break the cycle this year, otherwise you'll have decades more of this crap, both wasting money and the frustration and annoyance affecting your enjoyment of Christmas.

The unreasonable people here are the ones insisting on buying something back.

If someone is daft enough to buy me something when they've agreed they won't, I wouldn't be getting them anything back.

Just accept the present with good grace and say "Thank you. But you really shouldn't have, you know we've agreed not to swap presents, so I've not got you anything."