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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave my job to become a carer for my son

27 replies

Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 11:40

Hi everyone,

looking for some advice and whether I'm being unreasonable wanting to leave my job.
I love my current job but have increasingly become overwhelmed. I have a child with special needs with severe disabilities, who relies on me and DH for everything. When he was born I plodded through the first few years of his life trying to manage a senior job role, household and other DC. This was despite him being in hospital every other month due to a health condition.

I've always had a job, but changed roles to help manage stress. I'm now in a role that has a brilliant manager supporting me who has accommodated me reducing my hours etc. due to long COVID. Always allowed flexibility when my DS has been ill/appointments etc.

However, after a recent stint in hospital after a very long time with my DS, I have come to realise that DS's needs will not reduce as he gets older. If anything they will increase.

I am in a very fortunate position where we are financially stable and DH is supporting any decision I make. But, AIBU wanting to leave a very stable job role, with an accommodating manager to become a full time carer? The way I see it is that becoming a carer will help me to manage all DS appointments, hospital stays, household and family much better as I won't have the pressure of work always looming over my head. I would seek to get a casual role to occupy my time in between as I can't see myself not working. Anyone been in a similar situation...what did you decide?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 31/10/2023 11:42

That sounds like a tough decision. How old is your son?

caffelattetogo · 31/10/2023 11:43

Yes, I'd do whatever you feel you need to to make things work. Life is too short to struggle if you don't need to.

Original poster
Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 11:44

My son is 10 now. I’ve been plodding along and struggling with mum guilt all this time.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 31/10/2023 11:48

I gave up work 4 years ago in a similar but less severe set of circumstances.

Multiple family bereavements and my child's diagnosis and needs meant that I was feeling completely overwhelmed and just stretched too thin.

I too had a very supportive employer, but even with that, family life was suffering.

I don't regret giving up work in the slightest. It gave all of us the breathing space we so badly needed.

I've been doing interesting and fulfilling volunteer work and now that our family situation has changed again, am once again considering whether to go back to work.

I'm in the fortunate position of being able to choose whether to work or carry on volunteering.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/10/2023 11:52

How would it be unreasonable? It's what you feel is right for you and your child. That's all that matters.

Original poster
Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 11:53

Thank you @Littlefish . I think that’s what I need, breathing space. I feel I’m constantly battling. And I agree @caffelattetogo , life is too short.

@Littlefish did you feel guilty leaving work? I think there is a sense of guilt that Id be giving up a career that has taken me 20+ years to build.

OP posts:
FranticHare · 31/10/2023 11:56

I quit a career in order to spend time with my family - the hours were so horrendous I never saw them. I still have a part time job (not any where near the level or salary I was) which I need mentally (and the money will always be useful). Plus if anything happened to DH or we split or anything I am already in the work place so finding something full time or more money won't be as challenging.

We do not have special needs considerations - but there were other factors at play which impacted my decision.

I do not regret it. There was a big period of adjustment - I was so used to defining myself as my job, and also (wrongly) judging others by their job that I felt a bit bereft at one point. But I now see my children rather than working all the hours, I am much healthier, less stressed, a much nicer person to be around. My relationship with my kids has improved - and with my OH. I am not being pulled in so many directions and I reckon I've added a few years to my life expectancy!

Mrsjayy · 31/10/2023 11:59

Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 11:44

My son is 10 now. I’ve been plodding along and struggling with mum guilt all this time.

Do what is best for your son and family you don't.have to "do it all".

BananaSlug · 31/10/2023 12:02

I had to do this but I’m a lone parent so didn’t really have much choice in the matter.

Littlefish · 31/10/2023 12:06

I didn't feel guilty, no. I felt a sense of relief that I could finally do one thing adequately/well, rather than feeling like I wasn't doing well enough either at work or as a parent.

I have occasional weeks where I've taken time to go out and meet a friend for lunch more than once, and the thought flashes through my mind that perhaps I shouldn't do it, because it's unfair that my husband is at work when I'm doing it. But then, I give myself a kick up the arse and remind myself that our new arrangement works for everyone, and that my husband and I contribute to family life in different ways.

I too had spent over 20 years building up my career and was in a job I loved.

Lockdown came hot on the heels of me giving up work so it was a strange old time!

Once lockdown was lifted, I found the interesting and fulfilling volunteer position I still do now. It gave me the opportunity to use my professional skills, but in a way which fitted in with our new family life. From time to time I do some consultancy work which I really enjoy, but it's a maximum of about 10-15 days a year. It just keeps my hand in though.

Honestly, if you can afford to do it, I wouldn't hesitate. Giving up work meant that I could support all the members of my family, without becoming burned out myself.

Being the parent of a child with additional needs can be incredibly hard graft. You have the opportunity to make things easier for your whole family, including yourself.

funinthesun19 · 31/10/2023 12:17

Yanbu what ever decision you make. It’s not an easy decision. But my own view on it is that you won’t be stretched as thinly as you are now if you stop working.

You can’t do it all. I have 2 children with a disability and I don’t work. I have no regrets about that choice because it means I’m not burning myself in to the ground. I’m not stressing about time off for appointments and when they’re at school I get chance to breathe, catch up on housework, get errands done etc.. If I had to work I would be buggered to be honest. I’m a single parent too, so that’s an extra layer of my story. I just wouldn’t be able to do it. And I wouldn’t be able to afford childcare and/or I’d worry about my kids feeling overwhelmed and tired in childcare when they could be coming home with me at the end of their school day instead.

Footprintsinthesand · 31/10/2023 12:24

Only you can decide what's best for you and your family. A couple of questions spring to mind though.

  1. are your DS's disabilities so severe that it is unlikely he will ever be able to live independently (or with support from external carers)? In other words can you stagger through the next 10 years and then things will get better?

  2. Is your relationship with your DH fairly solid? Obviously no one has a crystal ball but if you can see yourself ending up as a single parent at any point then think very carefully before giving up work.

CalistoNoSolo · 31/10/2023 12:25

Can you buy help in rather than quit a job you love?

ItsFreeOnFriday · 31/10/2023 12:28

I did exactly this a few years ago for exactly the same reasons. We could afford it as we had an inheritance that gave breathing space. It has been both life changing and life enhancing for me. The freedom to be able to meet his needs without stress. I have kept up with my professional development requirements and occasionally do locum work to make my cv less gappy but I would say if you can do it then it is worth it.

Baneofmyexistence · 31/10/2023 12:30

I have done this. DD is 6, has Down syndrome with lots of health complications, learning disability etc. She spent so much time in hospital the first year there seemed little point returning to my teaching career. She has a twin as well and a brother 18 months older so the children were all under 2 at the time. I stay at home now and DH works. We get DLA, carers Allowance and universal credit which helps a lot financially. I work for a charity (paid not volunteer) from home a few hours a week too when she is at school. I do all the stuff for the DC, appointments, housework etc. It’s really hard being the main carer for my DD, I spend long hours chasing medical stuff, looking after her when she is poorly but I do not know how we would manage if I wasn’t here. It is very challenging but it is definitely the right decision for our family and for my DD.

RomeoOscarXrayXray · 31/10/2023 12:30

Could you take a sabbatical for 6-12 months as a first stage.

Ie not at work but with the option of returning.

Also you can afford it now. Please consider what you might need to do should the very worst happen.

Sudden death of spouse. Mortgage becomes unaffordable. Spouse is made redundant.

Stress test your decision under the worst possible circumstances. And multiply the worst possible circumstances.

How's your pension?
Could you buy help in?

Good luck with your decision.

x2boys · 31/10/2023 12:33

I did it I was a nurse and my son has severe autism and learning disabilities I gave up.work about nine yesrs,ago ,he's 13 now but cognitively around 2/3 years of age so needs full.1:1 support
Financially, we made it work with applying for carer,s allowance tax credits at. And of course he gets DLA
I personally couldn't do both my job was incredibly stressful and then coming home to a,child with complex disabilities was killing me
You do what you have to do.

Original poster
Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 12:48

Thank you for your reply. My DH and I have a very stable relationship and I’m blessed that he’s a very hands on father, despite his demanding career.

my son will never be able to live independently. He’ll always need care into his adulthood

xx

OP posts:
Pashazade · 31/10/2023 12:51

Make the right decision for your family. I'd say do it. Oh but make sure DH has good life insurance just in case the worst happens at the very least your mortgage would be cleared!

Original poster
Inapickle2 · 31/10/2023 12:55

Thank you all of you. I really appreciate your insight and advice. It’s heartening to know I’m not alone.

my family are very supportive of any decision I make. @FranticHare you hit the nail on the head…I suppose the hard part is that my career has somewhat defined me - which I’m not finding easy to let go of.

but then I see my beautiful blessing, my DS and know I am doing him and my family a disservice.

deep down I know what my decision is. All I need is the guts to make it.

OP posts:
User562377 · 31/10/2023 12:56

I'm leaving my job at the end of the year for similar but less serious reasons.
My health is not great (long covid), kids are needy for one reason and another, dh works hard and long hours. There's never any breathing space in our family. So I'm stopping work.
I do feel slightly apprehensive, I'm only 49, will I ever work again? But I need the time, the whole family will benefit I'm sure.
I'll worry about working again when the time is right.
But I'm not particularly motivated in my career, it's not that important to me. I imagine it would be harder to just step off the career path if you've worked really hard for it. I've just kind of bumbled along and been moderately successful so I don't mind starting again in a few years.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 31/10/2023 12:57

For me there is one question, and that is - do you what to be his full time carer?

or, do you want to be his mum? ( or both?)

because you could employ a carer to help you?

only you can decide what is best for your family as he grows , but just because he needs caring for doesn’t mean you HAVE to be the one that does it , no one is judging your choices

Gerrataere · 31/10/2023 13:04

@Inapickle2 Im a carer for my child. Well, two children but since the younger one was awarded DLA first I’m officially his carer. It’s tough, but definitely the only option in my case for several reasons.

It’s the best option for your family, but I will warn you it comes at a cost for yourself. Your career, the way society views you, the loss of your own identity - these things can affect you greatly at times. I know you’ve already made up you mind op and I know you’ll work your way through all the ups and down that come with it. Best of luck.

ScoobyDoesnt · 31/10/2023 13:07

Could you potentially take a years career break in your current role / business, and see how it makes you feel to become a permanent carer / not working?

It would also give you time to perhaps decide if maybe bringing in help may work better and be better for you (as your physical / mental health is important here too), or make you realise that actually everything is way more manageable to be at home with your son?

FranticHare · 31/10/2023 13:13

@Inapickle2 Be prepared for adjustment. Be prepared for moments thinking wtf have I done. And make sure you have some ‘you’ time carved out. That might be going to the gym or dog walk, or evening class or something. But make sure you have something and your OH knows he is on duty for that time. You will need it as there can be a feeling of no escape otherwise!

Also worth discussing with OH his expectations of what you’ll be doing. You don’t want to suddenly become Cinderella!

I’ve no regrets - but it will take a while to settle and for you (and family) to find your new place!