Family dispute

[Scotland2nite]

I divorced my ex husband 10 years ago when our kids were 4/5yrs old. Since then I have had full custody of the kids and not relied on anybody for support/help from family or ex husband. Kids see dad every 2nd weekend and I've never used kids as a weapon against my ex ever. I've been a good mum and been flexible when weekends needed to be changed etc. Ex never asks to see them over/above his scheduled time and one time I asked him to care for them when I was admitted to hospital for an emergency op, my ex asked when I was being released as he said "it wasn't convenient to have them" so that gives you an idea of the man he is. I've not had much support from family as we aren't close and definitely a wider divide after our dad passed away. I've never met anyone romantically that I wanted a long term relationship and dedicated my life to my kids and worked hard to keep them in the family home so they could attend good schools etc. Last few years I've had some issues with my youngest, him being bullied at school/no friends/hanging around wrong with kids who were not in my opinion the best choice of friends. We have managed to work through and things have been good since. A few weeks ago my elderly mum accused my kids of taking money from her purse which was subsequently found lying under some photos. After a conversation with mum about it she was convinced that my kids took the money. I reminded her that only a few weeks before she said that someone had taken her jewellery but I found it hidden. She doesn't have dementia etc just a bit forgetful. I haven't spoken to my mum in weeks because of her accusations and that she was convinced that there was no way that she could possibly be mistken. My kids were cleaning up her garden for her when they were accused of stealing and left her home without any shouting etc and called me straight away. My kids told me that they would never have stolen money from their gran and have no need to do anything like that. When speaking to my sister about this she said she didn't know who to believe as she wasn't there so couldn't make any firm decision whether she believed my kids or not. I was shocked that she could even think this of my kids and think that I would have raised them to think this was ok. I left her home and we've not spoken since.This week I've been told my a family member that youngest has been vaping. He denies this and I gutted his room and couldn't find any vapes etc. He again swore on my life thst he has never vaped and knows that it is wrong and I would not tolerate it. So tonight as I type this I'm feeling so overwhelmed and upset that I'm being told this my family that they could possibly think my kids are not trust worthy or make poor choices. I've tried my very best and done everything on my own. I make the decisions and set the tlnw of what is acceptable and not in my home. Previously my ex has accused me of taking my families side whenever I try to talk to him about issues regarding kids .There is very little support from him so I chose carefully what I tell him. I know my kids aren't perfect and I'm first to call them out or discipline them when I know they have done wrong. I'm just so alone and overwhelmed with this just now. Since my eldest was born 16 years ago I've been on medication for my mental health which family never want to acknowledge (sweep it under the carpet) but when I hear them speak of their concerns when friends/distant family members speak of their own mental health issues I'm saddened at their kindness and warm to others but not to me. I don't know what to do to make things right with everyone. After my dad died it was me who spent most of my free time with our mum. Every weekend I'm with her, taking her wherever she wants to go, lunches/dinners out/ holidays/evenings out etc. My siblings visit her for an hour or so for a cuppa and that's them done their duty! I'm so ped off with everyone and seriously can't wait to sell up when kids go to University and move away to start my own life. I've never called out my siblings kids or their choice of spouces. I just want to go to sleep and not wake and deal with this sht anymore. 😢

I'm so sorry to hear this op. Giving you a big hug. I'm actually lost for words.

That's definatelty shit op.

Tbh I wouldn't let your kids back to their grans unless you are closely supervising them. They do not need accusations like that haunting them.

I'd probably stay away myself, of your siblings can't be bothered to give her the time she needs she needs to learn to be nicee to you and yours.

I wouldn't be so quick to say lack of dementia though, it creeps up slowly and is nasty.

Take care OP.

Take several steps back did the family even apologise for accusing your children of stealing? I think your family need to learn actions have consequences treat people like they are shit they will leave you in it because fuck this accusations of theft and vaping? They don't sound close enough to know if they are vaping or not

Without evidence dismiss the vaping allegations there is zero evidence so the family is mistaken (unless proved otherwise) the money? I would hope your children get an apology from all concerned because they deserve it

I see why your sister doesn't want to take sides, how could anyone possibly know what happened to the money apart from the people/person who put it there.

How could anyone know the truth about the vaping unless it was seen with their own eyes. Just because you didn't find a vape doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Stop going to see your mum so much for starters

How awful for you. It sounds incredibly lonely to have no other constant adult you can count on.

You say you want a new life when they move out - could you embrace that now? Begin to carve a new ‘you’ ready for when your three leave home? Obviously just the very early stages, but now you’re not seeing your mum as much what will you do with that time? What interests do you have?

You can make your life richer and fuller now before they leave and build new relationships to replace the ones you had with your family that have left you unfulfilled.

Well for a start the money was found. So no one took it. As for the vaping yes kids do try stuff but op has found no evidence and until she does she can believe her child.
Op please believe there are people that care. I',m sorry your family are not there for you. Do you have friends you can talk to?

I agree with pp, don't send your kids to your mum, at least for the time being.

And take a step back from spending so much time with your mum, does she need/have carers?

Tell your siblings they need to step up, that they can't rely on your to entertain mum for whole weekends anymore.

One of the first signs of dementia in my mil was accusing family of taking her money and her dh of never giving her money. We only realised in hindsight that this was the case as at the time we thought she was just being nasty. This does not mean you need to be at her beck and call. Pull right back for the moment but do keep that in mind.
Also if your ds has been vaping its not the end of the world. It doesn't mean you are a bad mom or have done anything wrong. Teens experiment and take risks in the best of families. Go easy on yourself. You have done and are doing an amazing job with those kids. Things will happen but it doesn't take away from that. Take all this as a sign to do things for yourself, to begin to make a life for yourself outside of your family. If you can afford counselling l would get some as you are carrying heavy burdens all by yourself and to be able to share things with someone neutral would ease this.
So very consciously step back and take a big step in self care whether it's a counsellor/ joining a gym/ taking up a new hobby whatever seems appealing to you.
And remember you don't have to be a perfect Mom or prove anything to anyone.

No wonder you are miserable!
Where is there time for you?
You need to spend much more time attending to your own needs op.

Your dc no longer go to Grans unless you are there, you are putting them at risk of accusations otherwise. Your mother needs an assessment for dementia. Perhaps your siblings can take her?

Don’t take your sisters position to heart, she doesn’t want to be involved understandably.

Cut back on the weekend visits - go every fortnight for an hour or two. You are doing too much for everyone op. Time to scale back and reprioritise.

Why wait till the kids are at university?

I can count in one hand the number of friends i have and I'm pretty private about things that happen in my home. I'm afraid of opening up and someone thinking badly of me and my kids or using it against me in the future (has happened before). I know I'm online here opening up but nobody knows me and my identity is hidden. Asking strangers for advice isn't ideal but I'm really lonely and afraid I fail my kids somehow.
During my marriage my ex would go in a huff if I met any of them for a coffee/dinner etc whilst he was left at home caring for our kids and stop talking to me and we would argue. I stopped arranging to meet or cancelled because of this and slowly my friends stopped messaging and I became isolated. My free weekends were mostly being my mums companion even when my dad was still alive and even more so when he passed away. When I was dating someone my mum a few years back my mum didn't like that I wasn't there to spend time with her so ultimately my relationship ended. I felt torn in two and guilty. I've always found it difficult to be a good mum/daughter and have time to keep friendships going and for many many years I was just physically and emotionally exhausted being a single mum to care about doing anything for myself (So no hobbies). I guess I've just become so self sufficient and never had the support from another adult who has my back. I appreciate your kind words 😔

I agree with other PP; don't be so quick to rule out dementia. As you have so much to deal with, ask your sibling to get a test arranged with her GP.

Don't let the kids visit Gran without you being there in future and would you be able to reduce the visits to see her anyway? Surely she has one or two friends to call on rather than you all the time?

With the kids getting older, can you carve out a few hours a week to concentrate on something you want to do/hobby/just have time out/pick up with old friends?

As someone once told me 'you can't drink from an empty cup' so you do need to make sure you are ok first before helping others OP.

I work in a dementia unit and the patients frequently accuse the staff and other patients of taking their money/jewellery/watches etc. It's a common anxiety with dementia.

I agree with pp, and I think you should step away from your mother and look after yourself and your own family You're a single parent who has done an outstanding job bringing up your children and you don't deserve this vitriol from family members.

Be kind to yourself, put yourself first, and I hope you feel more positive soon.

Accusing people of stealing is a well known sign of dementia OP.

I'm a doctor who works in a memory clinic. It's pretty common for things like this accusation of theft of money to happen unfortunately even in people with mild memory loss.
The person puts the money somewhere safe then forgets completely that they did this. They can't find the money and have absolutely no explanation why, so some people will then just think that " someone else" has moved it or taken it as otherwise they can't explain where it's gone.
In this situation I would step back and certainly would never have the children there unsupervised to protect them from unfair accusations.

I agree with previous posters that this could be an early sign of dementia. My mum was constantly complaining that care home staff were stealing her things, and was misplacing things while still in her own home. She would have completely denied that there was anything wrong. They were usually found in strange places. How old is your mother? I wouldn't decrease contact - she may need watching more carefully.

My dad is on his third accusation of stealing - phone engineer, removal company and now carers. He passed a memory test a few weeks ago and hasn't the required cognitive decline to be officially diagnosed with alzheimers yet. Also stop being so available to your mum and carve out some time for doing something for yourself that you enjoy,

Thank you for all replies. I honestly don't think mum has any signs of dementia but rather a case of her usual vitriol against me rearing its ugly head again. She has fallen out with me many many times before, usually as a result of me standing up to her. My mum has also assaulted me in front of my children (kicking,punching/hair pulling and ripping my clothes) and denied any wrong doing, despite my kid telling everyone what she did to me. Happy to call her grandkid a liar.
Whenever mum falls out with me I'm totally isolated from rest of family and this continues for months/years. My siblings never seem to have the issue with mum that I experience. I actually think my mum doesn't like me as a person or has any respect for me as I'm single and can't keep a relationship going. My world is falling apart and I don't know how to fix this. I feel for my kids more than anything as they know that their cousins never get the rough end of the deal like they do. I can't continue to live like this...should I just cut contact from everyone and just get on with raising my kids and hope for the best that I'm doing a good enough job raising them? 😥

YES.

wtaf!
She physically assaults you? In front of your children? Get this toxic bitch out of your life now, it sounds like she is turning against your children too.

Call the police and get her charged with assault if she ever hurts you again. It won’t be so easy to ignore a court hearing.

Stop the abuse for the sake of your dc.
Build up strong friendships instead
Build community networks and sever this toxic relationship for good. It is harming you, it is harming your children.

Oh my goodness this is so much more than lost money or vaping!

Your mum has way too much influence in your life, I think you might start to feel a whole lot better with her at a distance. Have you ever had any counselling to discuss the relationship you have with her ( and most likely why you ended up with a man like your exh)?

You're spot on regarding mum having too much influence in my life and I was desperate to leave her house and show her that someone could love me so I marrried the first guy who came along (1st boyfriend at 24). She called me one day whilst I was at work and told me I was a b**ch for talking to my dad when they had fallen out and told me to pack my bags and put me put out on the streets but my dad wouldn't put me out. My line manager sent me home that day as i was so upset and upon arriving home I was told by her that I was so fat I disgusted her and even after 3 kids she was never as fat as me. When my ex lifted his hands to me whilst holding our child in my arms I went to my mum for support and she told me she didn't need the hassle in her life and walked away. I walked home and told my ex our marriage was over and sought a legal separation. I'm a big disappointment to her. I'm not pretty enough or slim enough. She clearly prefers my siblings over me.

You are more than good enough. Please get yourself into counselling.

Your mum is abusing you. End contact for your sake and your dc

@Scotland2nite When I read your op I did think it could be 6 of one 1/2 a dozen of the other. Maybe your mum is starting with early dementia/poor memory and maybe the other family member was mistaken, or of course, your kid(s) could have moved the money/jewelry as either a cruel joke or to see if it would be noticed as missing before they actually took it.

After reading the rest of your posts I would say you sound like you would be far better off without your family.

If I were you I'd be going LC/NC with the family, especially your mother and concentrate on you and your kids. Not running around after your mum would free up sometime for you to maybe start a new hobby/club and to meet new friends.

You can't control how others treat you but you can control on how much opportunity you give them to disrespect you and make you feel bad about yourself.

Time to prioritise not just your kids but you as well.