To not give DS money for rent?

[verasaks]

My DS turned 19 in August.

His best friend told him that his parents were abusive - verbally mostly but said his dad had hit him over the years - and he didn't want to live with them anymore. They both decided to house share with a few other friends. I didn't think DS (or his friend) was ready as he's immature but I didn't tell him that. DS was working part time at a bar but I helped him with rent for the first few months. However, I then told him it's up to him to pay. He agreed.

He's still working, the best friend was but he quit. He messaged me and told me that they both don't have enough for rent but he's been telling my older DS about them buying takeaways/the newest console games etc. So he/they have clearly been wasting their money.

I'm saying no to giving him money for rent but i’m unsure if I'm BU.

What kind of contract does he have? Does he have a guarantor? I'd be worried he's going to wreck his credit rating.

No don't give him money if he's been spending on other things. He needs to learn to budget, I mean how often are you going to bail him out.

My in laws constantly did this with SIL and consequently she has never learned to budge and is living at home with her parents in her 40's.

Nope don't give him money. Who is his guarantor?

Is it your DS or his friend who has a shortfall in their rent?

I would tell him he has to sit down and work out a budget with you. And this is the very last time you're giving him rent money. I wouldn't out the older sibling for telling, just put your foot down moving forward.

If you have the means to help him then you should help. What are you actually teaching him by not helping at this point? He should feel able to tell you when he's messed up and feel safe in the knowledge you'll be there for him. You can tell him he needs to pay you back in instalments or something. Find out the plan for next month too.

Please OP, we all had to stand on our own two feet at one time.

The fact his friend told him his dad beat him is not your problem to fix.

Put it into a savings or pension account for you and your son for the future.

Is he in full time education?
It's pretty customary for parents of children in full time education to help support their rent- it's almost impossible otherwise.

If not, I'd question why he's working part time in a bar!

He's only just 19. You can't just stop all parental support on the fact he has a games console.

I'm all for supporting DCs while they still live at home/uni, but I wouldn't be paying any rent for a 19 year old who's left home for no good reason (friends father issues, aren't a good enough reason imo) Honestly, I think you'd be a fool to financially support his friend who isn't even working, by paying towards rent. Buying takeaways and games is just the cherry on the cake. Either your son comes home or he makes his friend pay his way.

I'd have him do a weekend of work in the garden/house to earn extra and make it absolutely clear it's a one off. You bail him out no strings now it'll be a monthly thing. Especially if he's likely to be trying to get you to sub the friend.

@Sunsetred she is teaching him not to prioritise take aways and gaming. Is she also paying the friends rent too as he is short?
Good life lessons are the ones that make you correct your behaviour. He left home he needs to budget.... that I would help with!

I’d bail him out his share but get him to serve notice and come home.

I would probably bail him out but on condition this is not a regular occurrence. It's good your son has found a friend to move into a shared house with, hopefully can start to learn some independence, albeit, with a few hiccups along the way. If u ask him to move back home, u might never manage to get him out. There are so many 30 something adults out there still living at home with mum and dad. Hopefully, short term pain, long term gain for you.

No. He can pick up extra shifts. He needs to learn.

Definitely don't just bail him out. Perhaps work out a payment plan, get him to work around the house, get him to show you a budget to explain how he will avoid the shortfall next month.
Personally, I would offer part of the money but not all. I would also offer help meal planning, cutting costs etc.