Brother being rude - Mum upset at me for bringing it up?

[MrsDoubtfire3000]

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years. He and my brother used to get on fine but over the last couple of years my brother has rude outbursts directed at him (and sometimes at me), usually over something petty like board games. In conversation he will sneer or make mean comments, as well as sometimes just plain ignoring him when he talks to him.

After the latest weird encounter, I asked my mum if she had noticed. She and my dad are often around when these things happen but choose to laugh nervously or just stay quiet. She said she had noticed and so I asked her why doesn’t she say something? Her answer was that she didn’t want to “cause a scene”. I told her we really needed her and dad to have our backs in these situations, and she got upset and started to critisise my partners personality and suggest that he may deserve this bad treatment from my brother.

I got really angry and upset. We talked and couldn’t come to an agreement but kind of settled simply because I was exhausted discussing it with her.

The thing is, when he wants to be, brother can be a real sweetheart. We were close growing up and I love him so much. But if he is in a bad mood he just unleashes this awful nastiness that hurts me so badly. I also love my parents, and get on with them really well. I just think they are in denial at what an a*hole their son has become. I just feel so sad that it seems they would rather me and partner were uncomfortable, than confront my brother.

We have a baby and I never want him to witness his parents being disrespected like this. I know I need to have more conversations with my Brother and my mum about this, and so need some advice on what to say/how to say it/what language to use! And would love to hear if anyone has experienced anything similar as I feel very alone in this.

thanks

Yes I think she is afraid that if confronted, he’ll throw a hissy fit and cut contact. She would rather he was present and making everyone else miserable than not there at all.

He doesn’t drink. In fact he was much nicer when he used to drink.

Partner hasn’t spoken to him about it, I wouldn’t expect him to, I know I need to do it - just not sure how.

Few questions

How old is your brother? Are you older or younger? Does your brother still live at home?

Lots of people are saying you should tell your B off yourself- and I get that, but I also understand why the fact that your mum won’t speak up is bothering you. Your brother is intimidating your parents into ignoring his poor behaviour. That’s difficult to see.

what was it like when you were kids?

what would happen if you called it out, and accepted that your parents won’t back you up?

How old is your brother?

It’s not as easy as “calling him out”. I get it OP.

You can try talking to him when he’s calm - say he was rude on such and such a day and it’s been happening for a while now and ask him if everything’s ok - but it may not work.

If you’ve tried that, just tell him you’ll be there if he needs you - clearly he’s angry and unhappy in some way - but you won’t stay if he’s being rude.

If he’s rude, don’t get into a massive row, especially in front of your DC. Just end the visit politely but firmly and choose not to see him again for a while. Stay in touch by text though.

Please don’t ask your DM to choose sides. Instead, speak to her privately, say you’re finding him rude and you’ll have to cut the visit short when that happens. If necessary, arrange to see her without him. Ask her if he’s rude to her too and if she feels intimidated or needs help getting him out of the house if he lives there. She might say no at first or be in denial but continue to offer quiet support. At your age - an adult - you should be offering support to her and not expecting her to provide it to you.

Good luck.

Thanks all

me and bro are in our thirties, I’m a couple years older.

we all live on opposite sides of the UK - England/Scotland/Ireland - which means that when we get together there is this added pressure of us all staying in the same house together for a few days, as well as the whole thing feeling like some sort of special “event” that will be ruined with any sort of confrontation.

it also makes the concept of talking to him face to face a bit daunting, because it’s not as easy as just getting up and leaving. It would be booking new flights/train tickets/ferries etc and spending hundreds of pounds.

there has been lots of good advice here so thanks a lot - I am going to try and muster up the courage to chat with him over the phone soon. I’ll also talk to my mum about it but I’ll go easy on her as I understand this is hard for her too.

I don't think it's up to your mum to fix this, but it would nice if she at least acknowledged to you privately that your brother is a problem and that she knows his behaviour isn't OK. It sounds like she's actually a bit scared of him, to be honest. Has she always pandered to him? It sounds like everyone's walking on eggshells around him.

Sounds similar to my brother, OP. He’s always had a selfish, nasty streak (while having the ability to be lovely 95% of the time!).

We used to be pretty close before I met my DH. Around the time I got married then had a baby, brother became really nasty/horrible, especially directed towards me or DH. My parents never said anything to him when he did it (although I know it tore my mum apart inside). I also never confronted him - I opted to just be civil and ignore.

I am pretty sure it was jealousy. Not liking the attention taken away from him. A few years down the line, and things have calmed down and our relationship is much better.

Not sure if your brother could be acting out for the same reasons.

@MrsDoubtfire3000 could you not stay somewhere separate, rent a cottage or an apartment and just see them for lunches etc? Take a bit of pressure off that way ?

Follow this guy on Instagram for tips on how to handle situations like this!

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5HT90Hxl4v/?igsh=MXg5cjBtdzVxaHA4OQ==

It would be better if you took your brother to take rather than asking your mom to sort it out?