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Original poster

Brother being rude - Mum upset at me for bringing it up?

36 replies

MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:10

I’ve been with my partner for over 10 years. He and my brother used to get on fine but over the last couple of years my brother has rude outbursts directed at him (and sometimes at me), usually over something petty like board games. In conversation he will sneer or make mean comments, as well as sometimes just plain ignoring him when he talks to him.

After the latest weird encounter, I asked my mum if she had noticed. She and my dad are often around when these things happen but choose to laugh nervously or just stay quiet. She said she had noticed and so I asked her why doesn’t she say something? Her answer was that she didn’t want to “cause a scene”. I told her we really needed her and dad to have our backs in these situations, and she got upset and started to critisise my partners personality and suggest that he may deserve this bad treatment from my brother.

I got really angry and upset. We talked and couldn’t come to an agreement but kind of settled simply because I was exhausted discussing it with her.

The thing is, when he wants to be, brother can be a real sweetheart. We were close growing up and I love him so much. But if he is in a bad mood he just unleashes this awful nastiness that hurts me so badly. I also love my parents, and get on with them really well. I just think they are in denial at what an a*hole their son has become. I just feel so sad that it seems they would rather me and partner were uncomfortable, than confront my brother.

We have a baby and I never want him to witness his parents being disrespected like this. I know I need to have more conversations with my Brother and my mum about this, and so need some advice on what to say/how to say it/what language to use! And would love to hear if anyone has experienced anything similar as I feel very alone in this.

thanks

OP posts:
Toothyfruity · 30/10/2023 21:13

Have you said anything to him?

Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2023 21:13

Why don’t you speak to your brother about this if you’re not happy? You and your brother aren’t children and it’s not your parents’ job to referee things between you.

Stomacharmeleon · 30/10/2023 21:19

Don't be harsh to your mum. My sons can be dicks to each other and very occasionally to me but it gets my Back up if any of them use me for a buffer. If I want to address it on a personal level I will (and tbh I don't always want to for a variety of reasons)

TomatoSandwiches · 30/10/2023 21:23

You should be talking to your brother, why is this solely for your mother to solve for you?
It's not a nice situation but give her a break, why didn't you sit and talk with both of your parents?

RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 21:24

Your brother is the one at fault here, not you, but I think you're being unreasonable to expect your mum to get involved. Better for you and your brother to either sort things out or take a step back from each other.

Original poster
MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:26

Oh sorry yes should have said - I’ll confront him in the moment but he gets even nastier and meaner. A couple of times I’ve tried to discuss with him after the fact, and he will totally gaslight me (an overused phrase but truly it is what he does) “oh yes I’m just so horrible aren’t I, poor you” with sarcasm. It’s so upsetting that I just give up.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 30/10/2023 21:28

MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:26

Oh sorry yes should have said - I’ll confront him in the moment but he gets even nastier and meaner. A couple of times I’ve tried to discuss with him after the fact, and he will totally gaslight me (an overused phrase but truly it is what he does) “oh yes I’m just so horrible aren’t I, poor you” with sarcasm. It’s so upsetting that I just give up.

If he does that, then make your excuses and leave. That still isn’t your mum’s problem to sort out.

Userwithallthenumbers · 30/10/2023 21:30

You are an adult, you speak to him.
Call him out, ask him to repeat what he just said. Ask if he would be OK with being spoken to like that. If he ignores your partner, point it out. Embarrass him a bit. He sounds childish, especially if it is over things like board games.

Or if you don't want to do that, ask him directly outside of one of these incidents. Tell him you have noticed, as has your partner, and you would like to understand why he does it as you do not like it.

Namenamchange · 30/10/2023 21:32

she got upset and started to critisise my partners personality and suggest that he may deserve this bad treatment from my brother.

I wonder if your mum agrees with him in some way so doesn’t feel
the need to correct him.

RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 21:39

After reading your update OP I think you need to distance yourself from your brother. He sounds horrible.

Original poster
MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:39

Thanks for advice so far - yes I probably am expecting too much from my mum and need to approach brother directly. For context - mum has begged me not to say anything to him and said she would “sort it out” (yet to happen) - not the healthiest dynamic I know.

OP posts:
Coughingdodger · 30/10/2023 21:43

I’ve had this with DB for years. Like you we were v close growing up but he often seems angry as an adult and can be verbally quite nasty for no reason. To other family members as well. I’ve tried talking to him about it and he can’t explain why he’s like this. Sometimes he gets upset and apologises, other times he blames me.

DF tiptoes around him, afraid to upset him. There is no point involving your DM as she probably is at a loss herself and it puts her in a difficult position. You’re an adult and it’s up to you to negotiate how you deal with your DB.

With mine, I‘ve learned to keep visits short and sweet. He’s very good to my DC and loves seeing them. But he can only take short periods of us. I’ll never know why he’s like this and it makes me sad at times. Our relationship is very different to how it was when we were children. Albeit at a distance I do know I’m important to him.

Createausername1970 · 30/10/2023 21:47

You do need to talk to your brother to find out why he is doing it and why he thinks it is acceptable.

But does this take place in your home or in your parents home? If it is happening elsewhere, and reasoning with your brother has no impact, then just leave. Don't get into an argument, just say it's been a lovely evening, but I think it's time to go now. Obviously you need to agree this with your DP beforehand otherwise DP will be take by surprise and not move or start to retaliate.

If it continues to happen, then decline future invitations.

5foot5 · 30/10/2023 23:02

Does your brother still live at home with your parents or does he have his own place?

Just thinking if you decide to go LC/NC with him over this it might be hard if it would impact your contact with your parents.

OTOH if your DM thinks that by essentially condoning your brothers behaviour she risked not seeing you and her GC she might be more inclined to confront him

Pupsandturtles · 30/10/2023 23:07

I could have written this! My B isn’t rude to me or my DH, he’s rude to my parents and his own wife. Everyone takes it because they’re afraid of him/ don’t want to cause a scene/ in denial. really upset me for a long time.

have solved it by avoiding him 99% of the time.

Zzizzisnotzeproblem · 30/10/2023 23:09

Why can’t you tell him he’s being an arsehole? Why can’t your dh?

MariaLuna · 30/10/2023 23:11

Protect your baby.

Don't let him continue the family generational trauma.

If that means stepping back, so be it.

Thing is, it's hard. Finding a brilliant therapist will help most are crap in my experience. They can't relate, if they do and have done their inner work, makes for a good one

Chickpea17 · 30/10/2023 23:17

You and your brother aren’t children and it’s not your parents’ job to fight your battles anymore. And it's not their job to take sides.
Be a grown up and sort it out yourself.

potatoheads · 31/10/2023 07:04

Chickpea17 · 30/10/2023 23:17

You and your brother aren’t children and it’s not your parents’ job to fight your battles anymore. And it's not their job to take sides.
Be a grown up and sort it out yourself.

If DB us being actually and obviously nasty which it sounds like he is, I would expect my parents to have my back. I would expect my friends to have my back if someone was being an arsehole. I would expect at least as much from my parents as I would my friends.

Basilton · 31/10/2023 07:08

Wow your poor mother! Why is she the one who is supposed to referee between three adults. Do you expect her to come to your work and deal with any issues for you there as well!

icelollycraving · 31/10/2023 07:11

Is he jealous that you have your own family now which has changed the dynamic? Next time it happens, I would pack my stuff up and leave. I’d tell them why as well.
If he starts to mimic you, I’d say something along the lines of “Tom, it’s not our fault you’re an unhappy knob, but it is our fault if we let DC see it. Bye!”

TicTacNicNak · 31/10/2023 07:14

What did your DM mean by the personality comment? Was their ant substance to it?

GingerLiberalFeminist · 31/10/2023 07:26

Reading with interest as my brother is like this with me and my mum but hasn't yet had an outburst towards my DH nor in front of my LO.

However I think people are right, make an exit when it happens. I'll try and employ this if my DB does it again.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 31/10/2023 07:38

MrsDoubtfire3000 · 30/10/2023 21:26

Oh sorry yes should have said - I’ll confront him in the moment but he gets even nastier and meaner. A couple of times I’ve tried to discuss with him after the fact, and he will totally gaslight me (an overused phrase but truly it is what he does) “oh yes I’m just so horrible aren’t I, poor you” with sarcasm. It’s so upsetting that I just give up.

It’s not your parents problem to solve. I’d leave or ask him to leave next time it happens. is he drunk when he does this?
Has DH ever said anything to him ?
Id be tempted to reply with “Yes, you are a nasty mean mouthed person, take your anger out on someone else because from now on it won’t be us”.

Just read your update: is your mum afraid of him why doesn’t she want you to speak to him.

Original poster
MrsDoubtfire3000 · 31/10/2023 11:12

None whatsoever - my partner is sweet, polite, patient and warm. This is what has upset me so much, I can’t believe my mum would rather point fingers at him than admit that her son has behaved badly. It feels kind of delusional.

OP posts:
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