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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a thank you for birthday money in the post?

27 replies

biethdayquestion · 30/10/2023 19:32

I live 3 hours away from db and sil so whenever it's their dc birthday and I send a card with money I never hear anything so I'm often wondering if they got it.
Dm lives near by and always tells me (when I ask) they got it because she saw it in the mantle piece but they wouldn't know she tell me this.
Is it not the norm now to say thank you anymore? They're very popular and social people, but due to the distance between us we only manage to see them a couple of times a year when we're down and to be fair they do host a nice day and go all out bbq and drinks wise.
I just find it weird I'm always wondering if nieces and nephews received their money? Some are old enough to text, some are smaller just wondering what your thoughts are?

OP posts:
StormInaDcup99 · 30/10/2023 19:36

I stopped giving to nieces and nephews....I was sending money in mail to australia and after a while I realised I was being taken for a mug

Also....I knew they'd received the money as I'd asked my MIL

It's bad manners esp w era of social media where a message takes 60 seconds to write

WYorkshireRose · 30/10/2023 19:36

Have you considered just not doing it?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/10/2023 19:37

No, you should give a present because you want to give it.

Not because you enjoy the ‘thank you’.

You’re making their gift about you. Stop sending it before it causes resentment.

Original poster
biethdayquestion · 30/10/2023 19:39

WYorkshireRose · 30/10/2023 19:36

Have you considered just not doing it?

Yes but I also receive the same amount of
Money back for my own dc, I only have 2 but always send a message or thank you video from the dc and it gets read and no response.

OP posts:
Original poster
biethdayquestion · 30/10/2023 19:40

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/10/2023 19:37

No, you should give a present because you want to give it.

Not because you enjoy the ‘thank you’.

You’re making their gift about you. Stop sending it before it causes resentment.

No I don't need a thank you, I just like to know it arrived because of the distance or I'm wondering if they ever got it or not.

OP posts:
fluffypotatoes · 30/10/2023 19:41

Ask your brother to let you know then?

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 30/10/2023 19:41

Mine are teens, written thank you in the post is a losing battle, but they do text

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 30/10/2023 19:44

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/10/2023 19:37

No, you should give a present because you want to give it.

Not because you enjoy the ‘thank you’.

You’re making their gift about you. Stop sending it before it causes resentment.

Good heavens. Expecting a thank-you is hardly making the gift about oneself. It's called manners.

Do you not say thank you for gifts you are given?

Original poster
biethdayquestion · 30/10/2023 19:44

Cantthinkofadifferentname · 30/10/2023 19:41

Mine are teens, written thank you in the post is a losing battle, but they do text

Oh yes I agree that would be ott, my dc wouldn't either but a thanks for the card would let me know it arrived safely as I do them.

OP posts:
Lovetotravel123 · 30/10/2023 19:49

I agree that a thank you is a reasonable expectation.

SM4713 · 30/10/2023 19:49

I completely agree OP. I don't send money/gifts to specifically receive a thank you, but IMO, its polite to at least say- they did actually get it!!!

SwingTheMonkey · 30/10/2023 19:50

A thank you, however it’s conveyed, is polite.

Although not receiving one wouldn’t stop me from giving. I’ve a family close member who rarely gives thanks for her kids gifts. That’s not her children’s fault though - they’re not old enough to have their own means of communication and I won’t punish them for their parents’ behaviour.

Another family member on my husband’s side has stopped giving my children presents because we don’t write thank you cards. We do send a thank you message or call. But no card. That I find quite ridiculous.

Cranberriesandtea · 30/10/2023 19:56

I expect a thankyou, my nieces moved away to Scotland but when they were here in England with me I would get them a present and they would say thankyou to my face. Both my nieces have phones and I can see them online all the time on WhatsApp. The gifts I give are £50 each for birthday and Christmas. If they don't say thankyou I message and ask if they got their money and remind them of their manners. They always apologise and it hasn't damaged our relationship. This year they even FaceTimed me and showed me in great detail what they bought.

I seriously question parents who don't make sure a quick thankyou is sent when money is recieved. Manners is the one thing that sets you apart from the wretches of the world when you are an adult. It's always important no matter what age to be respectful

Spermscarecrow · 30/10/2023 20:07

I've seen this myself even grown adults don't seem to give a shit about thanking people for a gift / cash or a card. I have this with a couple of family members it never used to be the case but is now. I am considering not bothering anymore , it's my hard earned money I'll buy myself something instead fuck em 😉

HeddaGarbled · 30/10/2023 20:19

It’s all very hands-off isn’t it? Don’t you ever talk to your brother?

sunshineandshowers40 · 30/10/2023 20:19

I get my teens to send a thank you text. I used to write cards when they were small, as they got older they wrote cards, then I would send a text; now they have their own phones I remind them to send a thank you text.

mummabubs · 30/10/2023 20:19

I would say YANBU... But then today is my niece's birthday, I also sent money and a card (like you, our family live 3 hours away and DH wouldn't bother to remember so I do it). I never get any acknowledgement from SiL or BiL and it does strike me as rude. I don't give gifts to be given thanks, but I was brought up to view it as basic manners to thank someone for a gift. In fact my grandma always used to say you should thank a person for a gift within 24 hours of receiving it or before you first use it whichever comes first. I've carried that mentality with me as an adult. 😊
So no OP, I don't think it's u reasonable to feel a bit hurt/annoyed /put out that you've had no acknowledgement of the gift being received.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 30/10/2023 20:23

I'm with you OP.

I always send a quick thank you message if I haven't received the gift in person and when my boys are big enough I'll be making them ring/send a message to say thank you just like my mum made me as a kid!

Manners don't cost a Penny.

QueenAstrid · 30/10/2023 20:25

It’s rude not to thank someone for a gift whatever the age. I always make sure my teens send a thank you text.

Growlybear83 · 30/10/2023 20:28

I would have been very disappointed if my daughter had not thanked someone who had sent her money or any other present. It's just basic manners to thank someone, whether by text, phone call, or by sending a note, all or which take less than five minutes.

Soapboxqueen · 30/10/2023 20:31

If you're in front of my I say thank you.

If not, you've probably got a 50/50 chance I'll remember.

However, I'm not massively bothered if people say thank you or not for gifts.

Itwasamemo3 · 30/10/2023 20:31

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 30/10/2023 19:37

No, you should give a present because you want to give it.

Not because you enjoy the ‘thank you’.

You’re making their gift about you. Stop sending it before it causes resentment.

So don’t you ever thank someone for a gift? A thank you is normal behaviour,whether it’s a card ,phone call or text .
I hope your children ( if you are a parent) have been taught manners or are they going to be the next generation of entitled brats!

Growlybear83 · 30/10/2023 20:34

I always remember as a child that Boxing Day morning was for writing thank you letters, before playing with the new toys that I'd been sent for Christmas. 😆

Ceci03 · 30/10/2023 20:36

Haven't read all but I've decided to stop sending money to my sisters kids. Last time was sept and I was very meh that none of the 3 (triplets) texted me and nor did my sister. In the end I asked her did they arrive safely and she said she wasn't sure but she thought 2 of them got the cards but the third one didn't . I said can u let me know but heard nothing so sent another card to that child saying sorry. Still heard nothing. My mother said they did get it and one of them got 2x . Decided I'm not bothering again. I'd gotten them cards for costa as they love getting coffees there. They all have my number to send a short txt and my sister never says thanks so just feel like a mug.

BotterMon · 30/10/2023 20:38

If I don't receive a thank you, I don't send anything after that. Can't stand poor manners.