AIBU to stop my child’s dad from seeing her?

[Ourlittletalks]

I know I’ll get mixed replies here and I know the subject alone makes me sound unreasonable, but I’ll give the full back story.

my DD (5) has never had much of a relationship with her dad. We split up when she was 1, and he disappeared for 6 months. He then reappeared and would see her sporadically, but frequently went months without asking to see her/making any effort. Around Christmas 2022 he began seeing her more often, one day every other weekend. I believe this was a way for him to worm his way back into my life, however, as by March 2023 he was trying to rekindle a relationship with me.

I stupidly agreed, and in April he began spending overnights at my house. Before I knew it, he had left his own rental accommodation to move in with me. I argued against this, telling him it wasn’t something I was comfortable with, but he used his lack of housing to guilt me into allowing him to stay with us. This lasted until August, and in that time we slept together twice.

i found out at the end of august that I was pregnant again. I told him, and he immediately bailed on us. He ran and gave me no indication as to where he was staying etc, stopped paying child support, and made no effort to see our daughter.

in mid September I text him asking him to see our daughter as she had been asking for him, he agreed and gave a time and his address. When we showed up, my daughter got out of the car and he walked away from her saying he had to go. I told him he had made arrangements, and he said if I didn’t put her back in the car and take her away he would call social services on me. I was just confused at that point, but he said all of this in front of my daughter who was just distraught. He then went and drank every day for a week with his friends, likely was using drugs etc too. I didn’t bother to contact him again about contact as I didn’t want him upsetting my daughter.

two weeks later he showed up at my house to see her, without asking in advance. He stayed for 30 minutes, and promised her that he would pick her up from school the next day. Surprise surprise, I get a call from her school that day saying she was still there, so he didn’t even bother to show up. Thankfully, she was booked into an Afterschool program and they were aware that he was unreliable at best.

a few weeks later, it was her birthday. I arranged a party, told him the date and time, and he didn’t show up. He didn’t call her to say happy birthday, and two days after her actual birthday he showed up with no gift or card or anything. I spent over 400 on her party as she invited her entire class at school and it was a pay per child party at a soft play. I also took my DD on a girls trip that weekend abroad to a theme park to get her mind off things, but she still was asking for her dad.

Now, it all came to a head around 2.5 weeks ago. He had a week off work and our DD was unwell and couldn’t go to school. I’m a nurse and absolutely cannot miss work unless necessary, and so I contacted him asking him to watch her for one day, I had arranged my parents watch her the two other days I had work but they were unable to watch her that one day as they had appointments/plans. He agreed and was full of promises, but when that morning rolled around he was nowhere to be seen. I kept my daughter home myself, and lost a day of pay, just to be told that he had gone out drinking again.

my DD is now telling me she misses her dad and wants to see him. I don’t know what to do. I want to do what is best for her, but the weeks/months between him seeing her are torture for her as all she wants is to spend time with him, I was hoping we could move on with our lives and she would eventually forget him as I know he will never be a consistent father figure to her. But it doesn’t seem that’s what she has in mind. I currently have no contact with him whatsoever, I told him to keep his child support and leave us alone after the morning he didn’t show up as my daughter sat on the stairs crying and waiting for him to pick her up. She sat there for close to an hour trying to convince herself that he would come and get her, because he loves her so much. It’s breaking my heart.

is there any right thing to do in this situation? We don’t have a court order, and I just want him out of our lives, but my DD wants nothing more than to spend time with him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm a father and my children are being withheld from me out of malice and think that's an awful route but honestly he sounds like an absolute prick. I would give anything to see mine again, there he is pissing it away, I personally wouldn't blame you.

This I think it likely causing more hurt to your child with all the endless false hopes, you've given him opportunity, he's failed multiple times to follow through and at the end of the day it's affecting your daughter the most.

You may be lucky, he may fuck off entirely and unfortunately thats going to be hard for your daughter. Very sad but there's nothing you can do in that regard, you can't force him to be responsible. She will with time understand.

Just be careful because should he want to he could try use it against you in court later. Document everything that has happened and may occur. A log of dates that have failed for contact, texts, record future encounters if you feel something is off, anything you can keep as a record to cover your own back, just in case.

In a scenario of him going to court, which he may not, you can then show you did all you could and it was infact him not wanting to, which ultimately, the hurt incurred as a result is not in the best interest of your daughter.

If you want more solid advice see a solicitor and see what they say. I just know from my situation, they don't like blocking contact but what else can you do in this case, you know?

Why did you ask him to watch her for that day when you knew full well how unreliable he is and chances of him actually turning up were zero? Are you still pregnant by him?

But in answer to your question I wouldn't be going out of your way to chase him up to facilitate access.

Your ex's behaviour is deeply hurtful and damaging to your dd, so yanbu withholding contact. In the end, the only thing that matters here is the happiness and safety of your children.

Document every missed appointment, every abandonment, times, dates, comments, emails and texts, and how each of them has affected your DD. Then block him. If he wishes to take you to court for access, provide the court with all of the details. Let them decide.

Then you will feel no guilt at all, when he lets them down again, and shows his true behaviour to the court. He'll only do it once.

In the past he has had bouts of reliability, and had told me he wanted to be involved in her life and wanted to spend that time with her. I didn’t so much ask him as offer for him to watch her that day, with the premise that if he couldn’t I would take the day off work. He assured me that he would be happy to have her, and I believed him. 🤷‍♀️

You offer up 1 afternoon a fortnight as an offer to get him reacquainted.. You keep records of if he shows up. You don't tell dd he might be coming. This time next year if he is still an unreliable cunt you block him in every way. Tell him contact via court order only going forward.. Tell dd some men just aren't able to be a good df..