I am 30 years old, and female. I was recently diagnosed by a Psychiatrist with Complex PTSD. I also have a diagnosis of ASD, and am awaiting assessment for ADHD, and OCD.
The reason for the PTSD is that I had a traumatic childhood. Bullying at school, sexual assault by a couple of classmates when I was very young, who would take me to a secret area, and play with my bare genitals. I also believe that I had it somewhat rough at home too, my father was physically and emotionally abusive, (he possibly has ASD too.) He would frequently hit me, scream at me, and call me names. I can recall being called a freak, bitch, little c*t and b*tard to name a few.
Just before the pandemic, I had returned from a work placement abroad which didn’t last long due to me likely just being very mentally ill and also tired from having little sleep during it. I think I did this placement just to get away from the situation with my parents. During the pandemic and after I returned home, my father screamed at me during an argument to go and die in the country that I did the placement.
I have also been told that I’m not his daughter in the past during arguments, when I have shouted at him about the way he treats his own daughter is wrong. (Maybe I shouldn’t have shouted, but I am just so so angry about it all.) I would be hit across the head by him frequently as a child. The last time he hit me was during an argument when I was 18 and 22, smacking my face at least 3 times. I wanted to go to the police both times, but I was scared.
When I was at secondary school, my father hit me and as he was hitting me on the behind, his hand swiped across my foot, and my toe was black. Teachers at school noticed the injury, and I had to say I injured it myself, because I didn’t want to get my parents into trouble, and I also worried that my siblings would be affected as we might all have got put into care. I didn’t want to disrupt their life. They sometimes got hit though too, and I would be present when this happened. I still have trauma nightmares about seeing my siblings hit by my father and crying in fear/pain, or nightmares about rows with my parents.
Even as an adult, I am still frequently screamed and shouted at by my father over complete trivialities, such as perching on the edge of chairs, and not sitting on the actual cushion. I realise I shouldn’t but I genuinely forgot I was told not to due to my highly likely ADHD. (I know it sounds as though I’m blaming ADHD here.) But it is a complete over reaction on his part, and even my mum has occasionally stuck up for me here telling him to stop going on about it.
Mostly though, my mum doesn’t stick up for me, and if I shout at my father she will become aggressive towards me for ‘causing trouble.’ My mum also accuses me of having bipolar disorder whenever I attempt to stand up for myself, and tells me to go and see the doctor or she will ring my surgery herself.
She never stopped him from hurting me during childhood, and mostly didn’t stick up for me when he called me names. She did tell him off about calling me a freak though that one time. He also ripped up one of my magazines when I was about 10, and smacked me across the face, all because I wrote one of my siblings a silly and maybe slightly inappropriate note after we argued which contained perhaps some mild swear words on it. I know it was wrong, I was annoyed at my sibling. He then yelled at me to eat the paper, my mum saw him and told him not to make me eat paper.
Sometimes he would be supportive and attend meetings at school with me about my SEN, he also does still help me now at times and even drove hundreds of miles to the other end of the country to collect me when I was at university, so part of me feels guilty for posting this.
There was an occasion when he blamed me for me being bullied when I was about 15. The head had sent a letter to my parents telling them that I had been subjected to aggressive behaviour by a new girl who joined our school, and that I was being supported by one of the teachers regarding this. When my parents received the letter, this somehow triggered an argument with my father and he slapped me on my arm calling me a little s*d, and shouted aggressively ‘Go and tell that to .........’ (The teacher who was supporting me.) He was referring to something nasty he had said to me. It’s all just really hurtful.
There is so much more that he did but it would take me forever to write.
As an adult, I’m honestly a complete mess and very damaged mentally. I am hateful, nasty and aggressive with others, I’ve even lied about people simply because I haven’t liked them. I believe everyone is out to get me, or is looking down at me. I’ve had 2 emotionally abusive relationships with men and never had one genuine friend that hasn’t mistreated me somehow. I told my father that he is the reason for my PTSD during a row, and he just laughed.
I also cannot hold down any kind of a job, I have tried hard to work but just end up loosing every job I try, as due to my ASD and ADHD I make sackable mistakes and experience meltdowns because I can’t cope. I now live in my own place but I’m constantly anxious and on edge.
My CV is non existent. I rely on benefits to live. I really don’t think I’ll ever be able to work again the way I am. I just feel worthless, unwanted, and unlovable. I have zero self esteem. It’s no good me confronting them about any of this as they deny it, and I end up being gaslit.
I know I need to go and have extensive therapy. I also know that the obvious solution would be to cut my parents off. But I’m worried how that might affect my relationship with my 2 siblings, and I’ve got literally no other family besides them and my parents, and no decent friends so I’d truly be alone with my struggles. It feels frightening. I’ve phoned Samaritans a few times, but obviously there is not much they can do other than talk it out.
Sorry if my post is a bit jumbled and long. I am feeling quite ill after yet another rather pointless altercation. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.