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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DB to stay here?

22 replies

czepis · 29/10/2023 23:21

DB is 17, very nearly 18. Since he was a young child he'd always be violent towards anyone but mostly my other brother that's 2 years older than him. DM would stick up for him and in her eyes he could do no wrong. He's disrespectful and constantly steals money/things from other brother and me when I still lived at home. But as I said DM didn't believe any of it.

Now he's older DM is trying to discipline him and stop the behaviour but he's much bigger than her and doesn't care. He recently got into a fight, police split it up and took him home and I don't believe any action was taken. DM didn't know what to do to punish him so she didn't do anything. This week he assaulted other brother during an argument, DM told DB to leave because she's fed up with the behaviour and he came here.

I don't want him around me or my DC but DM thinks he may behave differently here.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Thedogscollar · 29/10/2023 23:25

Hell no. Don't let him stay with you he sounds like an obnoxious bully. Think of your child and the effect he could have on them.
He is in this mess because of his awful behaviour, let him sort it. He is not your problem OP.

Oldthyme · 29/10/2023 23:26

No your are not being unreasonable. Protect yourself and your children first and foremost. If you must acquiesce and take him in, have a contingency plan in place to protect yourselves and get rid of him.
Can you talk to him to set some behaviour ground rules? It’s just the same as having a lodger who needs to know the House Rules? Maybe with his disrespectful history I’m being naive?
Lock up your valuables/handbag anyway, just in case.

junbean · 29/10/2023 23:26

Good lord no. He hasn't learned how to act right in the first place, so how could he possibly be any different? And you're not his mother to teach him. I highly value peace in my home and have never let anyone chaotic in, no matter who they are. I couldn't do it. DM made her bed on that one.

Snowfalling · 29/10/2023 23:31

Come on op!! Your duty is to Your dc, you need to protect them. You owe your violent bully brother nothing. Ignore your mother.

AutumnFroglets · 29/10/2023 23:32

No. Never, ever invite violence into your home.

Send him back and tell your DM she created this violent man so she needs to deal with the fallout. And your DB needs to understand that he is almost an adult with adult social responsibilities otherwise he will end up in prison or living rough on the streets. It's decision time.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2023 23:35

No fucking way. Her monster, her problem to sort where he goes. You don’t start parenting when they’re 17 ffs. She’s taking the piss.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 30/10/2023 03:21

I think your childrens home should be a safe haven, so I would say no.

Disorganisedmess2023 · 30/10/2023 03:26

Could your other brother stay instead?

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 04:01

It is not your duty to house him but you can take him to the council to identify him as homeless, kicked out of parental home and having to leave your home on November 25th. So completely homeless and 17. Be immovable about not allowing him to stay. Be honest that he is dangerous and you do not want him near your family

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 04:02

Yes or swap brothers so you’ve got the nice one

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 30/10/2023 04:03

If he turns up have no hesitation in calling the police. I grew up with a DB like yours. His behaviour kept getting worse. When mum died, it was clear that she had given him the expectation that despite my own three little kids (that I had raised without influence of either mum or DB) that I was going to take over where she left off - allowing him to live a life without consequence. He was utterly unprepared for the real world and at 50 has never worked a day in his life and is now alone and miserable because he has fucked over anyone who gave him any kind of chance.

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 04:05

also if he behaves badly (physical or verbal threats or whatever) and refuses to leave when told, immediately call the police to remove him from your house.

your mum and brother should have involved the police each incident

SocksOfMagic · 30/10/2023 04:12

if he’s not staying with you, don’t open the door to him, he’s a safeguarding risk to your family

coconutpie · 30/10/2023 08:32

No no no and no. Do not let this violent man step foot inside your door. If you already have, kick him out. It doesn't matter that he is your brother - he is violent and you have 3 DC who MUST come first. Your mother can deal with the monster she created. Not your problem.

TrashedSofa · 30/10/2023 08:49

Is he still at yours now? You said he came here this week.

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 30/10/2023 10:51

Where do you live and who with? how old are your DC?
Have you already let him in and let him stay, and if so, how long has he been there now? How has he behaved towards you this week? Does your other brother still live with your DM, or somewhere else? Have the police or social services had any involvement up till now?
With so much info missing, it's hard to give decent advice

GoldDuster · 30/10/2023 10:57

Your mother is asking you to do something she couldn't. It's not only too late, you should absolutley not invite a violent person into your DCs home, relative or not.

You don't have a magic wand or a time machine, but you do have children of your own who deserve your protection.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 30/10/2023 11:13

Why have you let him in? Tell him he needs to be gone by 6pm.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/10/2023 20:49

No way. Take him back to your mum's. She just wants to offload him on to you but she is the one who created the problem.

AluckyEllie · 30/10/2023 20:50

Jesus no, get him the hell away from your kids. Let nice brother stay if he needs an escape. Your mum needs to kick him out.

saraclara · 30/10/2023 20:56

but DM thinks he may behave differently here.

MAY. Even your mum isn't confident enough to say 'will'. She's willing to risk your children experiencing his behaviour. How dare she gamble with them?

Throwhandsupintheair · 30/10/2023 21:17

Not a chance in hell. This is on your DM not you to fix. Don’t let her guilt rip you at all. He ruined your childhood, you can’t let him ruin your DCs childhood and your adulthood also.

I speak from experience. My DM didn’t know how to handle one of my DBs and he was frequently violent to me throughout my childhood. He still lives at home with her in his 40s. He’s aggressive, believes every conspiracy going and is filthy.

DMs worries because she’s elderly and he’s verbally abusive to her but she still won’t allow help from the authorities so she’s resigned to her fate. However, he doesn’t know my address and DM knows I have zero intention of taking over where she leaves off.

I assume he’ll eventually end up homeless because even the most colourblind woman in the world would spot his parade of red flags and run let alone let him move in with her.

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