To still be sad at the end of my marriage even though my husband was abusive?

[Haveyouanyjam]

Is it wrong that it still hurts to lose him? That he was still my best friend in spite of everything he put me through?

I just feel so deeply sad about it and then feel guilt about feeling sad. It just feels like now everything I went through was for nothing. I suppose it was just the nature of it that I believed there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. He has mental health issues and would have long stretches of being much better, but then also times of being awful every day.

I was the same when I split with my exH, even though I instigated it and it was definitely the right move.

No one is 100% asshole. Even if he was horrible and abusive sometimes, he has some good in him too and there were times when you were happy. It's ok to mourn those things, while still being happy and grateful you don't have to deal with the bad bits anymore.

I was very aware that when I spilt with my ex, the dream I had of having a family of my own, (in the sense of having a nuclear '2 kids with my husband' set up) was gone forever. I mourned that loss too and that's ok. There will come a time where you will look back and be so happy to be out of it.

Of course you’re sad. It’s more the loss of future together and all those plans. Not to mention mourning the sad times.
It’s possible to still have conflicted feelings for someone even if you know they’re horrible.
Don’t feel you have to justify how you feel, just accept the emotions for now. There will be time later to work it all out. I’m glad you’re no longer in an abusive relationship.

One part of your life has ended and another one has started, you’re going through a period of grief which is totally understandable. I wish you well for your future.

Thanks all, that really, genuinely helps.

Of course you still need to grieve the relationship, and who they were sometimes, and the time you spent together. I think it's often the hardest thing to deal with, the anger is easy when there is abuse, and everyone expects you to be angry, but you're not meant to be sad or grieve. But just because they were abusive that relationship ending is a still a loss. It's really normal to have mixed emotions. Let yourself feel whatever your feeling without passing judgement. It doesn't matter if you 'should' feel sad or not, you do.

Not unreasonable, but the scales may fall from your eyes over time…

So normal. You’re grieving what could have and should have been. Sorry you’re suffering.

It doesn't seem unreasonable to me. Presumably you got married with the intention that it would be forever. So sadness isn't so much for the marriage that ended but the marriage that you thought you were going to have. I think over time you will start to feel happier about what you escaped.

I can relate to this. I actually think it's very healthy to be sad and allow yourself to grieve.

I couldn't carry on being with my ex-husband (also had mental health problems plus addiction)- my health was suffering and it wasn't helping him or me. But I do feel sad for him and for us.

That doesn't stop it being the right outcome though. It's learning to live with the sadness and allow yourself to live and be happy again too.