DC and job hunting

[Alana1983]

My DC left school in June, started college in September. Leaves the house at 07:30 in the am for the journey to college, gets back around 18:30 at night, four days a week and one day a week at a placement.

Plays sports 2x days a week- one eve and one long weekend morning.

dad and I no longer together and both in new relationships with other children. Splits time between both houses. Everything amicable. No maintenance as 50% custody but tend to share costs of most things without drama

lunches, bus fares, gym, phone and pet foods currently cost us around £220 a month, socialising is hand out basis, either set of parents will give £20 here or there. They don't do bad put it that way.I don't think it's unaffordable but we have recognised the increased expense and this has been discussed by both sides of the parentage - just as in 'Jesus Christ it's expensive parenting a teenager!'

DC birthday recently, we discussed buying a car but this was put to bed by DF and DSF (the dads) as unrealistic whilst DC is not working.

DC has made some efforts (little) to get a job but both sets of parents have been applying online to various places etc with little success.

the dads are upping the anti suggesting cutting budgets etc as DC isn't working but I think their schedule is a big increase on school and that the time away from home etc is equivalent to a full time job. Each set of parents could afford to give more pocket money or pay for driving lessons to make life easier for DC but the dads seem reluctant to as they didn't have life handed to them on a plate.

in both cases the dads were working straight out of school so earning whilst living at home and thus paid for their own cars/driving lessons.

they think I am babying DC and they'll never 'step up' whilst I make excuses for them.

it's me against the dads 😂.

AIBU to think we could support through college/driving lessons?

They certainly do long days and you don't need to 'have a job' to learn work ethic especially as they also do placements. If DC is hardworking, grateful for what they have and has a generally positive attitude then they're not spoilt.

However, there's a large amount of babying here. Applying for jobs on their behalf, and considering buying them a car before they've even had any lessons!

Driving is a life skill and you should certainly support with that. However, you shouldn't buy them a car straightaway nor should you give them money above and beyond a reasonable budget, for socialising. How much money do they need for lessons anyway surely they can practice in parents' cars as well?

It's fair for you to say pay for driving lessons and a socialising budget of X a month. If DC goes over they have to work. It's DC choice whether to skip the socialising or work, but you cannot force them to 'get a job' to make up what you as parents should be paying for. They're still children after all.

I think asking a child at college doing those hours to work as well is unreasonable.

Pay for driving lessons if as you say you can afford them.

Let your DS concentrate on college.

Pay him for chores like emptying the dishwasher and doing dishes.

The Dads in your family are not the sort of men I would want my son to turn out like. My DS’s Dad was brought up in poverty, didn’t learn to drive til he was in his thirties and often didn’t have enough to eat. He would never dream of denying his own child opportunities in life he could afford out of some throwback to his own upbringing.