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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Couch surfer frustration

19 replies

CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 20:05

I wfh in a demanding role and have two school age children. My brother has had to move in with us and my husband has been incredibly understanding but I am struggling hugely. He is sleeping in my office, so that impacts my ability to use it. His traits are really getting to me as well as the impact to my personal space. I am at home full time and when he gets out of bed he has to constantly talk to me, he is negative & judgemental despite 100% free everything.
he has nowhere to go, no money and if he does get work he will probably have my office full time. I knew it would be challenging but this is hugely effecting my humour, my mood, my mental health. I am frustrated as it’s not the first time I have had to do this and at 41 I have had enough

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 29/10/2023 20:11

This sounds really hard op but I guess you've let him move in because he has no other option. Can you set up your office in your own room temporarily so you can lock yourself away without his interruptions?

I would also be very proactive in letting him know his negative or judgemental opinions are not welcome. Or dish out a few of your own judgement opinions.

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 29/10/2023 20:13

It really is as simple as he follows the rules or gets out.

So if you work 9-5 he leaves the room 08:30 -5:30 or however long you need it.

Nothanksthanksanyway · 29/10/2023 20:15

He isn’t your problem and you sound too soft. You need your working space and he needs a life and to be self sufficient. This is one of those situations where you probably have to be really cruel to be kind. Chuck him out.

GrumpyOldCrone · 29/10/2023 20:17

How long is your brother expecting to stay? If I were in your shoes I would put a time limit on it. It’s really not ok that you don’t have access to your work space, and I would not put up with negative comments.

cestlavielife · 29/10/2023 20:19

Had to
why?

Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 20:43

I had to set down some rules at the outset and this one was remiss on my part but you are right

OP posts:
Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 20:44

It’s at the stage now where that conversation is going to have to happen. His last place was 8 months and I won’t make that long

OP posts:
Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 20:45

Definitely going to try the other options before it comes to that but you are correct in your assessment of how soft I am

OP posts:
Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 20:46

Fair but zero other options for him. A very long story

OP posts:
Essenceofpetunia · 29/10/2023 20:48

You’re kind to put him up but it’s your home and your workspace and you would be well within your rights to set a time limit along with any other house rules eg get him doing chores, especially if he is not currently working.

My BIL moved in with us for a while when he found out his wife was being unfaithful. BIL was out at work 8-6 every day and often went to the gym in the evening so didn’t see him much really and he was a perfectly respectful houseguest; cleared up after himself etc. Even with all that, I began to resent his presence after a while. He left after 3/4 months and I was relieved.

It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your brother but there is a risk that could be soured if he outstays his welcome.

Dacadactyl · 29/10/2023 20:49

Why can't he get a room in a shared house? Why does he have to stay with you?

Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 21:51

Unfortunately he has no money at all - it’s a very much start from scratch situation

OP posts:
Original poster
CaraK1 · 29/10/2023 21:51

It really helped to hear this - feeling like im
not an awful person for feeling what I feel which is resentment

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 29/10/2023 21:53

I would set clear boundaries about when he can and can not be in the office room and I would also give him a date in a couple of months that he has to have moved out by.

Pulverised · 29/10/2023 21:55

I would be so grateful if someone did this for me. I would be tiptoeing around and trying to make myself invisible. He does not sound remotely respectful, or grateful of your generous offer and personal space. You need some serious rules setting down with a time limit for his departure.

fluffypotatoes · 29/10/2023 21:58

Is he able to work?

MrsMoastyToasty · 29/10/2023 21:58

You need to ask him to leave. Then he can register with the council for rehousing as he's homeless.

Shortpoet · 29/10/2023 21:59

Can you ask him to leave the house while you are working. Unless you are remote there might be somewhere free he can go. E.g a library. Is he looking for work?

ilovesooty · 29/10/2023 22:05

Give him a letter stating that he can not stay with you after a certain date and tell him to present as homeless at the council housing offices.

I know it sounds harsh but if he has no job or money you may have no alternative.

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