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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish my mum would stop drinking..

36 replies

fairymoo · 29/10/2023 19:31

My mum is drunk almost every night. She hides her drink, in cupboards or behind shelves, and denies she's been drinking when it's blatantly obvious. She can slur, fall over and get quite nasty. Then she gets up for work the next day like nothing happened.
We've tried getting rid of alcohol from the house, pouring it down the sink.. I've begged her to get help.

What can I do? It's ruining our relationship.

OP posts:
Flandango · 29/10/2023 19:37

How old are you? And are you financially able to move out?

Sadly an alcoholic has to take responsibility themselves. They need to realise they have a problem, and they need to take responsibility for stopping. The best thing for your own mental health is to be honest with them, and then walk away until they are prepared to face the issue themselves

Bogeyes · 29/10/2023 19:37

You can't do anything.

Antst · 29/10/2023 19:37

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. My father was the same. It's incredibly hard to live with someone like that and unfortunately, she'll become more entrenched in her addiction as time goes on.

I wish I could help but the most helpful thing I can suggest is to realize you can't do anything about this. There is not a single thing you have done wrong that has made her behave this way. It is 100% her decision to drink and (now that she's clearly an alcoholic) to do nothing about the problem even though it's hurting you and anyone else in the family.

You can keep confronting her, you can enlist other family members to confront her, but you can't force her to acknowledge that she has a problem.

I don't know how old you are, but my advice is to get out of the house as soon as possible, as long as doing so wouldn't ruin your chance of affording any education/training you want. According to research, children of alcoholics often end up with elevated stress levels, which makes them react strongly in their own relationships. I noticed that about myself when I lived with my father and it was so nice to escape it.

Greybluewhite · 29/10/2023 19:39

My mum is the same. Nothing makes her change. She’s alone now and still drinks every night.

She manages to hold down a very professional job too, god knows how.

I had to just accept there was nothing I could do about it and choose to ignore it now.

QWERTYoutside · 29/10/2023 19:39

How old are you? Do you care for her?
Is your post for a vent or do you need support? There are often lots of knowledgeable posters on mn that could suggest services ??

Original poster
fairymoo · 29/10/2023 19:49

I'm 23.. I don't care for her in the literal sense no. She holds down her part time job. I could at a push afford a small flat on my wage alone.
Her friends don't even have any idea of her drinking, in fact when she's been out with friends and comes home she's more sober than when she's had a night at home.
If she'd admit it that would be better at least, but she can be blotto and completely deny she's had a drink.
I had some red wine for cooking.. she drank it. I'm having to hide bottles of drink I'm finding in an ottoman in my bedroom.
She's told me she hates me, I'm a waste of space etc when she's had a drink.
I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/10/2023 19:54

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this with your mum.

The only person who can stop her drinking is her, you can’t force her sadly.

If you can afford to move out, either your own place or a house share you should do that, live your own life.

Dottymug · 29/10/2023 19:55

I'm so sorry. Don't try and hide her drink. Don't count the bottles. You need to try and detach emotionally as much as you can. There is nothing you can do to control or cure her drinking. And please don't listen to the drivel that comes out her mouth when she is drunk. It is self-hatred and she doesn't mean a word she is saying. She loves you dearly I am sure, but the need for drink has taken over her life and is the most important thing for her. When you try and get in the way of that she gets angry.

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 29/10/2023 19:56

I would voice record her abuse when drunk, them play it to her sober. It's the only thing that worked with my mum, because she wouldnt accept her behaviour had been bad. She's months sober now.

Her boundary has shifted with respect to you. You need to move it back, and to say her treatment of you is unacceptable.

Hugs OP, its very hard. Like you, my mum treated me terribly but everyone else well.

Lovetotravel123 · 29/10/2023 19:57

Sorry to read this. Definitely try Al Anon. They have face to face or online meetings for family members of alcoholics.

LindorDoubleChoc · 29/10/2023 19:57

Well yanbu obviously. Why not ask in the Alcohol Support topic, or Relationships, or even General Health?

CalistoNoSolo · 29/10/2023 19:58

Shes an adult and if she wants too get shitfaced every night that's her prerogative. Butt out or move out.

Antst · 29/10/2023 19:59

fairymoo · 29/10/2023 19:49

I'm 23.. I don't care for her in the literal sense no. She holds down her part time job. I could at a push afford a small flat on my wage alone.
Her friends don't even have any idea of her drinking, in fact when she's been out with friends and comes home she's more sober than when she's had a night at home.
If she'd admit it that would be better at least, but she can be blotto and completely deny she's had a drink.
I had some red wine for cooking.. she drank it. I'm having to hide bottles of drink I'm finding in an ottoman in my bedroom.
She's told me she hates me, I'm a waste of space etc when she's had a drink.
I just don't know what to do.

I would start by googling "Alcoholics Anonymous." You may already know that it's a worldwide organization that provides meetings for alcoholics and their families. It's free to attend. I hope you live in a place where there's a group for families. I think it would be very useful for you to talk with other people who have gone through this and to find out how they managed.

There's no excuse for her ugly comments.

If she has a "best" friend who she's close to, I'd tell that person what's going on. It probably won't change her but maybe if there are other people involved in confronting her, she'll make more of an effort to get help.

You're in a hard situation. By living at home, you can save money for your own place. But it also sounds extremely stressful. I left home at 16 because of my father's alcoholism and nastiness. I could only afford to live in total dives but it was worth it to be away from him. Before you take that step though, try to talk to someone in person, either at Alcoholics Anonymous or at a counselling service, if you can afford it. If you attend church, you might be able to access help there too.

pumpkinpie25 · 29/10/2023 20:00

Sorry to hear this, I'm in a very similar boat with my mum. It's being going on for years and I am nearly 40 now. We live close by but she never bothers with me and my dc. It hurts but I've started to realise that I can't do anything, it has to come from her. I doubt she'll change and it really does break my heart but acceptance is key. You have to understand you can't stop this by hiding bottles or pleading with her. She will always find a way until she is ready to stop.

I think distancing yourself and moving out would help you. It's awful to be around it all the time especially if she becomes abusive to you.

pumpkinpie25 · 29/10/2023 20:03

CalistoNoSolo · 29/10/2023 19:58

Shes an adult and if she wants too get shitfaced every night that's her prerogative. Butt out or move out.

I know this is aibu but you are clearly incredibly stupid or heartless or both to post a comment like that. Living with alcoholism isn't a joke. I agree that the op should move out but not because she needs to 'butt out'. It's because she needs to be free from seeing someone she loves drink themselves to death and suffer abuse from them while they do it.

God MN is a cesspit sometimes.

Isometimeswonder · 29/10/2023 20:04

CalistoNoSolo · 29/10/2023 19:58

Shes an adult and if she wants too get shitfaced every night that's her prerogative. Butt out or move out.

That's hardly helpful. You obviously haven't dealt with someone who has a drink problem and causes their loved ones so much misery.

halle1997 · 29/10/2023 20:07

My mother is 100 days sober but only of her own back. I tried everything even locking her in with me for weeks at a time, following her everywhere, tipping alcohol away and as soon as she was alone she would go straight back to the drink. Your mum will only do it if she wants to. Even now after 100 days i still don't fully believe she will do it this time and that she will do a disappearing act and ill find her in the gutter again! Try get your mum to groups AA really helped my mum. But your mum has to admit to herself she has a problem first. It helps to talk to people who understand the addiction as there is to many emotions involved with family and quite rightly so we are to angry. If you have no other responsibilitys i would move out if your mum dont want to change she wont no matter how much you try to help her. X

NeelyOHara1 · 29/10/2023 20:19

It might sound a bit trite but I think TV drama's could do with a bit more focus on this sort of subject rather than the current murder fixated ones.

Dottymug · 29/10/2023 21:10

The trouble with trying to make alcoholism into tv-drama is that it kills, but the process is agonisingly long. Murder's quicker.

Universalsnail · 29/10/2023 21:12

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do. She is not even at the stage where she accepts she has a problem let alone at the stage where she wants to get sober.

I think the best thing you can do is move out

Grapewrath · 29/10/2023 21:16

Respectfully- you can’t do anything. Your mum is the only one who can recognise she needs help and seek it
As someone who has been down this road, I’d advise protecting yourself and your energy. Look into moving out, even if all you can afford is a house share
Please do not let this consume your life

Lindjam · 29/10/2023 21:22

My dad drank himself to death.

There is absolutely nothing you can do.

Move out as soon as you can, and try to make plans to catch up with her at weekends early in the day so she’s less likely to be drunk.

saythebellsofstclements · 29/10/2023 21:24

CalistoNoSolo · 29/10/2023 19:58

Shes an adult and if she wants too get shitfaced every night that's her prerogative. Butt out or move out.

You again.

You're a nasty piece of shit aren't you.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 29/10/2023 21:27

Get help for yourself. It's the only thing you can really do because all the pleading in the world won't make her stop. Try looking up smart recovery friends and family - they do online meetings twice weekly and I believe there are some in person dotted about.

Or there's al-anon too. I'm not so keen on that myself but YMMV. Get yourself some support anyway. It's free.

bombastix · 29/10/2023 21:34

I would encourage you to make plans for your life away from your mother. Alcoholics can be very cruel and it's likely that she may get worse with you.

The truth is you can't do anything. And if you try, she will certainly get nasty with you. Don't sacrifice your youth to this. You need to get out and build your own life. I can't stress that enough. You are not responsible and do not become her helper.

A lot of alcoholics have helpers, codependent people who believe that they are helping. At your age, its absolutely something that can ruin your youth, own chances of relationships with friends and lovers, work, all of it.

Make it your mission to get out of there. You are not your mother's keeper.