How to deal with a serial messager

[BumpkinChic]

My oldest DS started school in September (I have 3 ages 5 and younger) and has made a best friend. I’ve got to know his mum really well, and she is really cool and generally my sort of person so it’s actually really nice.

Mew mum friend (NMF) is going through an awful divorce at the moment and doesn’t get any help from family so we’ve been helping where we can, having her son over half term etc.

I am starting to feel though like it’s all a bit much. I’m getting multiple texts/calls from NMF more or less every day. Not only is it quite emotionally draining but my long term friends/family will tell you I am not a massive communicator. There’s a bit of a running joke of “ooh Bumpkin text you, aren’t you honoured”. I find it really draining talking backward and forwards all the time and I am a massive over thinker… a lot of mental energy goes into one reply.

I don’t want to fall out with her but how can I explain it’s a bit intense for me and basically “don’t text me all the time”

I have a lot on my plate too!

I’ll admit too that I am a bit of a “yes person” and will often take on too much but tell myself I just THINK it’s too much because I’m secretly lazy when I’m not

But also, If I just stick it out for now will it calm down when the divorce is all finalised and everything is more stable? And I will have been a good friend in a difficult time?

Just text back as much as you have time for or are comfortable with. Reply with single emojis occasionally if you have to. You’re busy with a family. It’s not a crime to be unavailable 24/7 for needy people.

Well, each time you reply you keep the chain of messages going so I’d simply take longer to reply.

Sometimes I just don’t reply but get another message in a different line of conversation a few hours later

"Sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I'm not always on my phone and am generally just a bit rubbish at replying. It's a standing joke with family and friends!"

This gives the message - in a nice way - that if you're bad at replying to well established friends and family members, then what hope does she have?!

What kind of messages is she sending - logistical, asking for info, asking for emotional support?

If it’s “Hey, can you have bobby on Tuesday?” type stuff it’s easy to reply with a full answer imo “Sure, please drop him off at 10 and pick up around 4, Jimmy would love the company!” or “Sorry, this week is manic so can’t help at all, see you at the school gates x”. Info and support I’d just slow right down on speed of reply. Someone new heavily falling on you for support is a bit of a red flag imo.

As long as you are prepared to keep helping/supporting her and this isn't getting too much, I think you need to get into the habit of being quite brief/efficient in the way you reply.

Brief text replies are fine. You are busy: you just don't have time to send lengthy replies to her. It sounds as if you are being pretty supportive and that's fine but she also needs to learn that you are not her therapist -- you have your own concerns.

Train her to understand that you'll reply in your own time and at your own pace. If that's a problem for her it may not be worth it.

Is just mention it to her in convo 'I only reply to messages when I have time to give a full answer.'
Or 'I'm not a big texter'. She'll soon understand.

Perhaps mute her