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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Racist FIL

12 replies

CarolHath · 29/10/2023 12:32

I haven't mentioned this to anyone in real life except DH

BIL recently married an African lady. FIL is a racist and refused to go to the wedding. He has pretty much disowned his son.

My own parent is mixed race. Slightly irrelevant maybe. I have blonde hair and blue eyes, so do our children. Therefore we must be "acceptable" to FIL.

I feel so angry. I don't want to be around this man. Admittedly we don't spend that much time around him. However MIL is always trying to organise things, going out for dinner etc. and I honestly do not want to be in his company anymore.

He dotes on our children. AIBU to cut contact? I have told MiL and DH how disgusted I am at his attitude.

OP posts:
Conkersinautumn · 29/10/2023 12:35

I would but I'm not for blind loyalty to family. Your kids could do without that sort of sword of damocles hanging over their relationship with a grandparent. What an awful man

WeWereInParis · 29/10/2023 12:35

I have told MiL and DH how disgusted I am at his attitude.

Is your MIL not bothered that her husband has disowned their son??

Original poster
CarolHath · 29/10/2023 12:37

@WeWereInParis MIL and FIL have a weird, dysfunctional relationship. He is abusive and she left him a few times but has always went back. She wouldn't dare confront him. She covered up that he didn't go to the wedding because she is embarrassed

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 29/10/2023 12:57

I wouldn't allow my DC anywhere near someone who is a known racist.

Obviously if DH wants to maintain a separate relationship that is up to him. I would have very little respect for MIL as FILs enabler and would suspect she harbours similar views.

Original poster
CarolHath · 29/10/2023 13:13

@1990thatsme if I never saw the man again I would be happy. DH and his siblings have no time for him. However they all seem to feel sorry for MIL so feel obligated to do things with them.

I have actually said to DH before that MIL enables FIL. And then she expects the rest of us to tolerate him. However she is not a very intelligent woman.

They don't seem to have any friends and their families barely bother with them. I suspect more so because no one really likes FIL.

I've always disliked spending any time with him. But since this I honestly can't bear him.

Why should I have to put up with cooking for and eating with a racist in my own home

OP posts:
1990thatsme · 29/10/2023 13:17

How would MIL react if DH said you would only see her as a family without FIL?

Lampzade · 29/10/2023 13:37

I would not allow my dcs to have a relationship with a man who disowned his own child simply for marrying someone of another race.
I just couldn’t live with myself tbh. However, I understand that it is difficult for you given that he loves your dc
He will miss out on any future grandchildren from his son and wife. Very stupid man

Original poster
CarolHath · 29/10/2023 13:42

@1990thatsme there would be much crying and begging I imagine. DH is placid and would do anything to avoid confrontation. So I doubt very much that will ever happen.

This is the problem...I don't know how to approach it. Do I keep making excuses to avoid him and hope she backs off?

We have taken MIL out for food when he is at work. Problem is, apart from work he goes nowhere else so he is always about at the wends. If they ever come here for Sunday lunch they sit for hours and allllll evening, unless I've been quick enough to have something else planned afterwards with the kids

OP posts:
Bigsislookingforadvice · 29/10/2023 13:49

Invite your BIL and his new wife for dinner, you'll probably find FIL won't come then !

There's no reason for you to host him, your DH can go to his house to see him. Just be busy and stop hosting for a while, plenty coming up with the run up to Christmas that you can make it look less obvious if you want.

Is he openly racist in his spoken language that your children will pick up on it ?

Original poster
CarolHath · 29/10/2023 13:59

@Bigsislookingforadvice they don't live in this country otherwise this would be the perfect tactic!
No I don't think he would be brave enough to say anything like that in front of me. He has made a comment towards MIL about her weight in front of us once then looked around expecting us all to laugh and we just stared back at him. Nobody discussed the upcoming wedding in front of him though MIL told us the things he said.

OP posts:
Original poster
CarolHath · 29/10/2023 14:01

Thanks. I think I will try this. Though MIL is intense and will keep asking about us all getting together. I've even said to DH that I think we will do Christmas Day on our own this year

OP posts:
Chaos86 · 09/11/2023 08:14

This is disgusting and could be so damaging in future. I find this completely unacceptable and by enabling him to carry on and continue a relationship with him you are basically saying his behaviour is ok and becoming an enabler too.

I definitely wouldn’t want my children around this man. What about when they have birthday parties and children of other races are invited. Are the black children to be punished just for existing in the same space as him?

Send a message saying that you find his behaviour unacceptable and as you like to be part of a multicultural society you cannot go forward with the relationship as his views are unacceptable. You need to protect your children from this, they will pick it up eventually.

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