Is this grief? Or something else? (TW: loss)

[LeahMia]

I lost a parent 2 years ago. I know I probably haven't dealt with this head on, I've put this in the background somewhere and put a brave face on. Just recently, I've started to have reoccurring dreams that this parent is alive, and I wake up and then it hits me all over again. Or I dream that I've just been told they are ill so I feel like I'm grieving in my dream and wake up crying. This is all only quite recent but seems to be happening every night.

In the meantime, my partner was diagnosed with something serious. So as well as the above, in my dream I am hearing he has a couple of days to live (which is not the case at all) so I am waking up panicking.

Does this sound like grief, and that I'm maybe not dealing with things too well? Has anyone else had this happen to them?

Thanks for reading.

Yep that definitely sounds like grief, I got some serious anxiety issues as part of my reaction.

Your partner getting ill has potentially triggered anxieties about him dying too as in your brain that's what happens to the people you love when they get ill, so your subconscious is stewing over it and playing it all out.

I'm sorry this is happening, it will pass.

I'm sorry for your loss.

After I lost my mum I started having fake memories. So I'd be thinking about something that had happened and in my memory she would be one of the people involved which would have been impossible.

I think you need to actually deal with the loss and the current stress.

It was after about 2 years that I went to a grief counsellor even though I was technically feeling ok day to day, I had just shoved the grief out the way and needed to really talk about what had happened and move on.

Poor you. Yes, it's grief. It's your way of processing what's happened. Probably triggered by the problems with your husband's health.
Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to be sad. Time will help you come to terms with things. You can do it. All the best. ( and a hug).

Thanks for the replies. I feel like I dont know how to deal with the original grief though. I mean I was really upset at the time but I did mostly just try to crack on with day to day when I should have taken some time for myself. But I don't feel I'd take time now, so I don't know what would help. I feel like with the parental loss I don't relate the death with the person if you know what I mean. I know its happened, but its feels like it's not real and it wasn't really them. Hard to explain.

If you can access some counselling it can be enormously helpful @LeahMia .
The combination of losing a parent and the stress of your partner's illness is a lot to deal with.
So sorry for your loss.

Thank you xx

Yes definitely grief. The dreams are your brain’s way of trying to process things. I also lost a parent 2 years ago (unexpectedly in my case). Wouldn’t actually say I suppressed my feelings but I get similar sorts of dreams. They have been worse these last few weeks, prompted I’m sure by the stress of my DS having a major (elective) operation; he’s fine, but the anticipation of it was very stressful.

I have thought about counselling but not had it. I think I’d advise you to seek it out if possible. The thing that holds me back though I have to say is that the quality of what is available is very uneven and finding the right person is a bit daunting.

I wish you well. This grief journey is very hard. I do take comfort from the commonality of experience. Obviously not everyone mourns a parent, and some sadly do not get the chance to, but there is something fairly universal about it. Each person’s grief is unique but there is a common thread between all those who grieve. It’s a well worn phrase, but be kind to yourself. And I hope your DP makes good progress.

Yes, it sounds like grief, which has been re-triggered by your DPs health problems.

Our brains deal with trauma and stress in all sorts of weird, crazy and damn unhelpful ways.
When my own dad died unexpectedly 6 years ago, I had a lot of issues with intrusive thoughts. But then a wise older friend said something along the lines of "it's normal, you've had a massive shock, and it's your brains way of processing what has happened."
And literally immediately after hearing that, I'd say my intrusive thoughts decreased by 90% straight away. I just needed to hear that was I was experiencing was normal, and would pass. And it'll pass for you as well OP.

Thanks all, I'll try and seek some counselling and see if it helps x