To want to give a gift without it being a foregone conclusion or something I have to do

[HolidayHollie]

I have a friend within a group who sees give giving as a transactional thing. If someone buys her a gift she sees the need to reciprocate and likewise if she buys gifts then she is miffed if she doesn't get one back.

I alway buy her a Christmas gift and don't expect one back. There are reasons but outing so I won't go into it. Suffice to say I'm happy to buy her a gift and wouldn't expect her to buy one for me. She does which is fine but most years she will ask me around this time "Are we doing Christmas presents?" or want to agree an exchange date. I feel like telling her that I'll buy her a gift but don't need one in return or better that she can wait and see if she's getting a gift!

Easter eggs is worst as I used to give an Easter egg (again there was a reason at the time) and she would get me one back but now she'll ask me if we are exchanging Easter eggs and to be honest I don't really want to sometimes as I have enough on with my children and nieces and nephews. I want to say that I'll hit an Easter egg if I feel like but not have another one to add to my list.

I'm also conscious with how she views gifts of spending a certain amount so that she's not spending more than me but I may be overthinking.

We are both generous people so this isn't about anyone being tight just clearly having different appreciates to giving presents.

It is awkward if someone gets you a gift at Christmas and you don't have one to return. Likewise Easter eggs.

YOU might like giving gifts, but she's clearly sees it as a reciprocal agreement and wants to make sure she isn't left feeling awkward because she doesn't have a gift/egg for you.

The only time I think most people think gifts is a one way street is if there is a one off life event I.e. a friends family member died and I sent flowers. I wouldn't expect flowers in return unless I went through the same.

I think it is very normal to either both buy gifts or neither and you are being unreasonable expecting to give her gifts without her thinking she needs to give them back. She probably feels like a charity case with the former.

She obviously feels uncomfortable when she's given a gift and doesn't have one to give back. If you cared about her you'd want her to feel comfortable about your gift.

I wouldn't feel comfortable receiving gifts and not reciprocating, either.

It would make me feel like the friendship wasn't equal and that I was viewed with pity/as a charity case not a friend.

It almost sounds to me like she's checking her budget. How about stopping the gifts altogether but having a dinner together instead? Your gifts to each other could be the food? Far less awkward that way

It is fairly normal to reciprocate gift giving.

I understand to an extent because I LOVE giving gifts but am very awkward at accepting them, and immediately feel indebted to someone if they give me something. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable feeling like I owe someone.

Is she the type of friend who you could just say something like this to:

"I'm trying to cut down on the amount of stuff I buy, so I was wondering if, instead of gifts this year, it would be nice for us to go to lunch together and catch up?" Then pick somewhere not expensive and suggest going halves? Then nobody owes anyone anything, you've had a nice time, and nobody feels like they haven't paid their way.

So would you all ask someone (who usually buys you a gift) if they had bought you one, beforehand?

She's not a charity case but there's a dynamic in our relationship whereby I always bought her a gift as did others in our circle and she was fine with that. In fact, she would hunt when her birthday was coming up or even remind people to get her a Christmas gift. I can't explain the context as it would possibly be outing. Only later she started buying a gift for me and she doesn't remind us any more but things have changed.

With the Easter egg thing I may just have to say I don't want to any more and if she asks about Christmas I'll just say yes I'm buying her a gift.

@mumguilt999 No a lunch wouldn't work in this scenario and there isn't such an issue as I want to buy her a gift and she usually buys me something like chocolates so that's okay but I might start limiting spending around £20 rathe than double that.

I think you are being awkward, however well intentioned this started. It's natural to reciprocate if someone gives you gifts. Perhaps not if it's a one-off or special occasion. But it sounds like you give her something every Christmas and Easter so of course she will get you something in exchange.
The reason people ask "as we doing gifts this year" is invariably because they don't want to. Read the tone!

She just wants to know so if you say ah actually moneys tight she knows not to

I don't think it is unusual to ask a friend "are we doing Xmas presents?"

I wouldn't tend to buy for someone unless I knew they were getting me one also, it was a small token gift or it is not Christmas/Easter/birthday. I.e. buying a house warming gift, flowers on a bereavement, baby gift etc.

The thing is she always made it clear she expected a gift!

Ive changed details slightly but it's a not a friend situation but a situation where traditionally she was given gifts and not expected to reciprocate. She was all for this, would remind people to buy her a gift and would talk about how did and did not buy for her.

She then started buying for me as we got on well but now the tradition of people buying her gifts has gone by the wayside with different people changes over the years and so I'm one of the few people there who does so now she does too.

She clearly tried to make it a thing by buying others gifts but they didn't reciprocate so she got annoyed then a couple of years ago bought all 12 of us a small gift and was annoyed that most didn't reciprocate.

No one else I know asks me if I'm buying them a gift or if we're doing gifts this year but i sounds like IABU so if she's asks I'll just say yes. If she asks about Easter I may say no if I don't feel like it at the time.

I just like to buy someone a gift if I'm thinking of them or see something they might like and I'm happy for them to do the same but maybe I am in the minority!

I can't imagine what circumstances you would be expected to buy someone a gift and them not expected to reciprocate. Unless she is a child and you are her mother/grandmother. Perhaps that's how it started, but now she is an adult she will reciprocate.

Saying that you want to get her a Christmas gift, but don't want to tell her that you are getting her one, so that she doesn't know whether to reciprocate will just end up leaving her feeling bad. Because either you get her a gift and she has nothing for you - she will feel guilty. Or you don't get her a gift and she still gets you one - she'll be embarrassed and/or you'll feel guilty.

As I said before, the only circumstance people ask whether you are doing gifts or not is when they don't want to exchange them.

@HoHoHoliday You may well have said that before and you are very sure of yourself but I know her very well and I know she does want to exchange gifts.

As I mentioned before, she has even more than once started buying gifts for more people in our circle in the hope they would reciprocate. Trust me when I say not getting her a gift is not what she's getting at but I've accepted above that I will just confirm yes when she asks about Christmas gifts. I may not bother with Easter though.

I think this is fairly normal tbh. I have a couple of friendships where we ask each other "are we doing presents this year?" because it prevents any awkwardness.

The kind, friendly solution would be for the two of you to agree what occasions warrant gifts. I know this isn't how you like to operate, but to be honest it sounds as though you like to catch her out!

I definitely don't like to catch her out.

I am trying not to be outing but there is a good reason why I and others bought her gifts (it derives from a work situation) and so always got her a gift and then she started buying one for me which is fine but I don't know why I don't like being asked if I'm going to get her a gift!

Like I say no one else has done this so it's odd to me but I I've said I take on board the comments.

You sound like you have already made up your mind and don't really want anyone's opinion. You just wanted everyone to confirm what you already thought.

For the record, I think you are being unreasonable. Even if she asked for gifts in the past, she had clearly changed her mind and doesn't want to exchange gifts anymore. And it's very normal to not want to receive a gift for Christmas and have nothing to give back in return.

I find getting gifts really awkward and feel really stressed if I get one I'm not expecting and the implied pressure to reciprocate or I've messed up by not anticipating I should have got one.

This is so odd!
Look—whatever the original gift situation was she now sees it as reciprocal. That is not “transactional “ but simply normal. People routinely “exchange” —we ise that specific word because the relationship is solidified by reciprocity.

When she asks you now (not then but now) “are we doing gifts” she is making sure that she manages her obligation correctly and doesn’t just passively accept your largesse. Or (and you seem to think very poorly of her) she is fishing to remind you. If you don’t want to keep up this ritual just drop it. Say “no this year lets not.”