Proactive or borderline stalking?

Kittenkitty · 2023-10-28T19:14:47+00:00

I was having a discussion with a younger colleague at work today. They were saying that they had a crush on someone (they know him online only) and had been following his social media accounts and this weekend seen he was in a bar and headed out (they had been sat at home prior to this). What do people think? I remember being at Uni and people would subtly find out where their crush was going to be on a night out etc. Is this the same? Is it weirder? Where are the lines with social media? I recently met someone through friends and he was interested so I googled him, dont usually but I was curious about his work because I didn’t understand what he does, I found his LinkedIn account and then a couple of minutes searching found his wife’s name on the business registered at company house. I know I probably shouldn’t have googled but also it paid off…. Wheres the line?

Antst · 28/10/2023 20:24

For me this falls under "it's not unusual, but I wouldn't admit to it even to myself." My toes are curling a little even to read that someone else has done it.

But I'm a hypocrite and so is anyone else who thinks she's too extreme. We've all tried to get a crush's attention! This is just another incarnation of showing up at the same coffee shop to study because of the cute barista or buying a push-up bra in 2005.

On reflection, it actually sounds healthy that she's getting out from behind her screens and trying to meet someone in real life! Social media is for being social, so if he is sharing his location at a public venue like a bar, then he shouldn't be surprised if people assume he is open to socializing!

As for googling a date, it was standard even when I was a student in the US in case the date was a serial killer. I don't google people myself because I'm lazy, but I don't judge people hard when they do it. It's a safety thing and I guess it makes sense to avoid wasting time on someone who seems off based on what's online!

Hope it works out for her but I think he'll suspect she is following him!

Milliemoo6 · 28/10/2023 20:26

Absolutely not weird at all to do that and definitely not stalking

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 28/10/2023 20:30

Hmm I don’t think it’s that weird if she was planning on going out that night at least anyway and with friends but I think it’s weird to go out alone because you know someone will be somewhere to be honest.

I can remember encouraging my friends to go to a certain bar or club when we were going out anyway because I knew a certain person would be there ( although this was 15 years ago 🤣).I would never have been sat at home with no intention to go out and then gone out alone to bump into someone though.

Antst · 28/10/2023 20:31

Ihaterhymingrabbit · 28/10/2023 20:30

Hmm I don’t think it’s that weird if she was planning on going out that night at least anyway and with friends but I think it’s weird to go out alone because you know someone will be somewhere to be honest.

I can remember encouraging my friends to go to a certain bar or club when we were going out anyway because I knew a certain person would be there ( although this was 15 years ago 🤣).I would never have been sat at home with no intention to go out and then gone out alone to bump into someone though.

Yup, have to admit there were a few occasions when I suddenly felt a lot more enthusiastic about going out after hearing someone in particular was also planning on going out!

Original poster

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:32

Thanks for your opinion @Antst, I think I’m probably inclined to agree with you on a lot of those points. I suppose where it feels a bit weird is I’m guessing she could never tell him she’s done this. And something being secret always makes you feel weirder. But I’d probably not admit to half the things I do in the start of a relationship - like purposely buying impractical nightwear to pretend I always dress like that at night instead of pjs with a giraffe on that say “sleepy head”

I suppose when I try and put myself in the shoes of the person who’s been googled or “bumped” into - how weird I’d find it depends on whether I liked the bloke or not.

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AluckyEllie · 28/10/2023 20:34

@Kittenkitty oh you just made me laugh! My husband must think ‘what the hell happened’ when I roll into bed in mismatched stretched pjs instead of the sexy satin hotpants I wore at the beginning

SpringboksSocks · 28/10/2023 20:34

I think if you let people know on social media where you are then it’s fair game tbh.

Original poster

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:35

Thanks @Ihaterhymingrabbit. I gather she called a couple of friends and told them the plan and roped them into going out. All sounds a bit of a harmless giggle really. But it did get me thinking about the new (well not so new) etiquette of all this. It’s over 15 years for me too 😂 so don’t know what the current rules are!

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Original poster

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:39

😂🤣 I can just picture the image 😂🤣

we joke about it but I’ve been single for years now and I’d probably still repeat the madness if I ever dated again. Not sure we ever actually grow up, just get older.

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Antst · 28/10/2023 20:39

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:32

Thanks for your opinion @Antst, I think I’m probably inclined to agree with you on a lot of those points. I suppose where it feels a bit weird is I’m guessing she could never tell him she’s done this. And something being secret always makes you feel weirder. But I’d probably not admit to half the things I do in the start of a relationship - like purposely buying impractical nightwear to pretend I always dress like that at night instead of pjs with a giraffe on that say “sleepy head”

I suppose when I try and put myself in the shoes of the person who’s been googled or “bumped” into - how weird I’d find it depends on whether I liked the bloke or not.

If it works, it'll be a cute story to tell people when they're married!

I have experiences where certain people I'm not a fan of are overly familiar based on something they've seen online. Then I feel guilty that my reaction would be completely different if someone else had commented on the same situation!

I wonder if people were more open before social media about their plans. Somehow we all ended up at a certain bar or house. These days it seems less common to have conversations and invite people to hang out in the course of a conversation. People (in my world, at least) see things on social media and don't discuss them.

Your pajamas sound much nicer than mine!

MotherEarthisaTerf · 28/10/2023 20:40

Proactive but I wouldn’t be telling anyone

Antst · 28/10/2023 20:41

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:35

Thanks @Ihaterhymingrabbit. I gather she called a couple of friends and told them the plan and roped them into going out. All sounds a bit of a harmless giggle really. But it did get me thinking about the new (well not so new) etiquette of all this. It’s over 15 years for me too 😂 so don’t know what the current rules are!

That's the way to do it! Showing up with a groups of friends is normal. Showing up alone is a bit weird!

Original poster

Kittenkitty · 28/10/2023 20:41

@SpringboksSocks its amazing how many people do once you start to notice it, there’s even some minor celebrities who post in locations they’re still at.
I heard the take that boys talking about how one of them had accidentally done it once and hoards of fans appeared 😂

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BrownTableMat · 28/10/2023 20:42

Nah it’s fine. Like PPs have said, it’s just like hanging out hopefully in the bar/coffee shop/library/whatever that you know your crush frequents, that we all did before social media. If he’s that bothered about his privacy he can stop announcing his every move on social media.

Watchkeys · 28/10/2023 20:45

There is no authority to say where the line is, so there is no line that we can refer to. We all need to draw our own lines. Where we draw our moral lines is a big part of defining us from other people. Your boundaries mark your individual identity.