Does it sound like my DF is in denial regarding her very poorly DH

[Autumnrain62]

So sorry if this is the wrong place to post. Awfully worried. My Dfriends husband is seriously unwell with advanced cancer and she is losing him, unlikely to be here by Christmas, very sadly. When my DF talks about him she says ‘it’s all going to be fine, the cancer has gone and he’s healthy again’ it’s worrying me to hear her so this. She is very adamant that there is no evidence of cancer but very sadly it’s late stage and he is due to go into hospice. She’s been forgetful recently too and is refusing to look after her own well-being. Does this sound like Denial or could it be something else? Posted on a different board but didn’t get too many replies and I am just worried out my mind for how she will cope.

How old is she?

She is very early 60s

Op it could be denial about her husband being so ill. Could also be mental health problems. Is there anyone else supporting her??? Family friend's or her doctor???

Thank you. She has family friends. We are trying to support too but she is refusing it. The community doctor scheduled an appointment to see them both at home the other week and she ended up going out and refused to see him. She also has two grown up children. We are all so worried but she is refusing help from professionals

That's so sad. I'd be very worried about her -what support does she have?

I was confused by the thread title initially as I read DF as Dear Father.

It does sound as if she is in denial - I assume your other concern is that she may have dementia; possible, but I'd leave it until the new year before encouraging her to consider that, or raising your concern with her family - it could just be a coping mechanism.
Maybe give Dementia UK a call to see if they can offer advice?

Denial is a natural protective response to trauma, forcing her to "accept" it isn't helpful.

Stress can really mess with people's memories because they're not really in the moment. I would say it's more likely to be denial but I'm not an expert, if she won't seek help all you can really do is support her through this and help her accept the reality when it happens

Let her cope in whichever way she finds helpful. For now it may be denial. Nobody knows what she is truly feeling or thinking inside. Just be there for her at the end. Pushing her to feel a certain way will
achieve little and possibly be unintentionally quite cruel

How heartbreaking for her.

For goodness sake, someone having a normal response to a traumatic situation doesn't mean they have dementia.

Marie Curie, Sue Ryder and Cruse all have lots of free information available online about how grief (including anticipatory grief with a terminal illness) affects people. I'd start by reading up.

Pushing her to feel a certain way will
achieve little and possibly be unintentionally quite cruel

I agree it would be cruel - and not for her benefit in the slightest.

Denial is a very normal stage of grief.

I've known people who were losing someone and appeared to be in denial, but in reality they knew what was happening, they just couldn't bear to put it into words or have conversations in which they acknowledged that their loved one was dying. I would guess it felt like a betrayal?

When the inevitable happened they were not shocked and dealt with it in the usual way. Since your friend's husband is now under hospice care, I suspect she does understand that he is dying.

It is tough on the person dying too because they can't fully acknowledge what is happening to them, but hospice staff will be fully familiar with all this and talk to him if he wishes to talk.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It’s just difficult as it’s even things like she took early retirement a few months back and still believes she goes to work and is repeating herself a lot so if it’s difficult to tell. Just posted for advice her friends and family just want to support her the best we can

How is your DF’s DH handling it? When my father had stage 4 cancer he found it very hard to accept. He didn’t talk about it and my mum pretty much behaved as your friend did
Even when the weekend before he passed, a meeting was held and we were told he was at end of life stage.
She still did not believe it.
We all thought mum would die of grief soon after but she was stronger than we expected.

I don’t think there is much you can do other than be there for her xx

Sounds very similar to dementia to me, having witnessed a family member get like this at the thought of their partner having a life limiting condition.

Whilst there is the emotional side to cope with there is also the practical side of things to deal with.

It's a touchy subject but are their finances in order? Sometimes avoiding things can result in finances going awry which will only add to the misery the grief is already causing them.

Thank you. Friends DH is finding it hard to accept too but is actually more worried about her than himself, bless him. They have had some help in sorting finances, although my friend said it didn’t need sorting. She wants to book a caravan holiday for next year for them both, it’s just awfully sad.

Dh has stage 4 cancer. He's dealing it with blind optimism. This is helping him cope. So I have to keep up the pretence too (while quietly and unobtrusively [panning for the future).

Grief and stress, unsuprisingly, do odd things to people. I have seen relatives become almost pyschotic with denial, and very abusive to the dying person, due to their anger surrounding the situation.
If the plan is for him to go to the Hospice, then I wouldn't worry too much. They will have seen every variation of grief going and will be able to support them both through it.