DM staying with abusive ex-DH - AIBU? (TW: mention of domestic violence)

[WhoYouGonnaCallStressbuster]

I think I already know the answer but I am being made to feel as though this is normal and acceptable by my family

DM has remained friendly with my ex-DH, who beat me to the point he got a battery charge. I did not involve police further than this due to a complicated situation with my children (they are adults now but he was not violent towards them).

DM told me to go back to him after I fled with my youngest child and would not allow us to live with her, despite there being space at her house, leaving us homeless. SS said they would take my child away if I didn’t leave as child witnessed ex-DH violence towards me. That’s the only relevant back story to this situation.

This is in the past now but DM is currently staying with him and they still talk semi frequently. Am I being unreasonable to think this is not okay?

It’s not ok.

I’m so sorry you went through that, and that she colluded with him.

Have you wondered whether her raising of you left you less defended against his abuse?

I know my mother’s raising of me left me defenceless against manipulative controlling men.

Definitely not ok, your mum should be absolutely furious with him and doing everything possible to support you. Sorry you are going through this.

Every part of what you wrote is crazy. I'd never speak to her again. There's no excuse.

One sad consequence of abuse is that victims often end up with very blurred boundaries. Being treated badly starts to seem normal, so they end up putting up with a lot more than other people might. What I'm saying is that you're asking if you're being unreasonable to think this situation is not OK and it's shocking you have to ask. It is certainly not OK. I'd be furious and like I said, I would cut your mother off.

Please check in here if you get this sort of pressure again so that people can reassure you that your family SHOULD be on your side and should not be having anything to do with anyone who has mistreated you.

Your mother doesn’t deserve the title

YANBU OP.

Unbelievable behaviour from your so called mother.
It would personally be considering going NC with her because I could not accept this at all. My own DM (and I think most people's) would want to kill him.

The woman who gave birth to you ( she isnt a mother ) is sick

Have nothing to do with it or your ex husband

Vile. Well done for escaping 👍🏼

Thank you everyone for your responses so far. @Antst I think you are right, it does make me feel as though I am in the wrong even though deep down I know it is unacceptable. The whole situation is just a bit of a mess. I am trying to go NC myself but my children still have a relationship with ex-DH and DM so it’s all very tricky and confusing at times for me

Please do keep checking in here when you need a reality check.

I know that feeling of knowing that something is wrong in theory, but still not really believing it. If you're around people who are telling you it's OK and expected to maintain contact with an abuser or for them to, then of course you'll start wondering whether you're right. That isn't healthy. Check in with us when you need reassurance and seriously consider cutting off yourself AND THE CHILDREN from anyone who is supporting your abuser! I would not want them to be around either your mother or your ex.

She's vile. Mine did something similar. You can still feel love for her but please try to reduce contact to an absolute minimum while you grow in strength. Well done for questioning this. She doesn't deserve to be your mother. Sending love 💕

If anyone laid a hand on my daughter going no contact would be the least of it,
Your mother is dreadful op.

@Antst I will, it’s nice to hear that this is not normal! I am working on going nc myself with the people that support this but as my children are adults I can’t control their contact. They of course are aware of what’s happened and even though it hurts me I have had to accept their decisions

thank you all again for your comments, it’s helping me to see things clearer

Your adult children all have contact with their dad despite knowing he beat you?

They’re twats as well.

I hope you are making a good life for yourself without all these selfish cunts.

What is the housing situation now, did you and ex own a home together?