AIBU to want my teenager to DO something!

[Malkin48]

I have a 13 year old who is interested in nothing. He did used to spend huge amounts of time on his x-box and it caused huge friction because I would try to encourage him to do other things too, he wouldn’t, he was obsessed with it etc. He is autistic and always had developed obsessions. The other day I was telling him to come off it, he’d been on it too long, he became really angry, had a massive meltdown and hurled it out of the window and it broke. He’s now badgering me for a new one and the answer is no.

But AIBU for wanting him to do something, anything? He’s dyslexic and hates reading, he’s not sporty, any club I sign him up to he’s not interested and drops it after a few weeks (and the epic battles to get him to go aren’t good for my MH). He just says he’s not interested in anything but then has a go at me that ‘I’m bored and you won’t do anything with me.’ If I ask him what he’d like to do, he doesn’t know. Aaaaahhh! My other children aren’t like this, AIBU for wanting him
to actually live a bit or is it just normal teenage behaviour to do nothing?

He doesn't do literally anything or he doesn't do things you did/other dc did at that age?

My 14yo plays Xbox a lot. It's his way of communicating with his mates outside of school. He does things like Minecraft where he's very creative, or plays things collaboratively with friends/his brother. He reads tons as well, and he'll go for walks and stuff with us if we suggest it but he doesn't really have any other hobbies. Personally I don't see it as a problem. His version of 'living a bit' is clearly different to yours.

He's never chucked anything out of the window when having a strop though and I understand you not wanting to replace something for that to happen again.

Oh my goodness I just sent a big long text to my ExH, father of two of my DC about exactly this. My 12 & 15 year old DD and DS are very similar. I've offered three different activities this past two days and been met with a flat no. They just don't want to go out and do ANYTHING. Half term used to be so fun with Halloween and Bonfire night when they were little. It's so frustrating OP. I'm feeling so much guilt about it. There's a few of us out here who feel your pain. I wonder if it's lockdowns that have set them up for being home birds?

DS1 who is 20 is nothing like this! My younger two are introverts though.

Relieved it’s not just me. He will go for a walk with me if the wind is in the right direction, but in the day to day nothing beats a screen. He used to play Minecraft constantly, but that was just by himself and he wasn’t socialising with others online. His homework is rushed through and he does the bare minimum to scrape by, he has options soon but doesn’t know what he wants to do and doesn’t care. I worry that this should be a time of fun, of doing new things and making the most of free time before the demands of adult life kick in, but opportunities are passing him by.

Would he join the scouts?

Help him find something he could enjoy
Cycling, running, swimming, martial arts
Origami, painting, mechanical construction, airfix seem to be done of the popular ones for teens.

Your local library (or look online if you want to pay) would have dyslexic friendly books.

He has ASD … sounds like he gets hyper-fixations (as a number of people with ASD do)… it’s neigh on impossible to force them to move on, you just have to ride it out.

I try to join in … we have had NHL Hockey (she knew ever team, player & mascot), K-Pop (BTS in particular), various Korean Dramas, or Japanese Cartoon series (every episode needs to be watched) - and gaming.

luckily she’s doing a BTEC L3 in the gaming area now, and will end up working in the industry.

Your child has a hobby in gaming, nothing wrong with that. There will be more jobs and careers available in that area than many other hobbies

My other children aren’t like this, AIBU for wanting him to actually live a bit or is it just normal teenage behaviour to do nothing?

Do your other children have autism?

I have a 13yo and I really think boys at this age are still quite socially awkward. Mine won't arrange things with his mates but they are a bit old for me to be organising their fun. It's frustrating but I view it that I need to keep organising family activities for the time being (it's exhausting). He enjoys it when we go mountain biking or surfing. I take him to the climbing centre. Hewill happily go to the skate park on his own with his scooter. And I take him to the cinema. That's it, I assume the social stuff will come a bit later.

Scouts would be a good one. Once he's established relationships with his peers and leaders, it can be great fun. They have them doing all sorts.

My son has gone through the ranks, beavers, cubs, scouts and now explorers which is rare. From scouts age, kids tend to dip in and out so it's not a case of there being kids that have known each other for years. Loads of newbies in my sons section at the mo.

Good luck! Hope you find something soon x

Screens are addictive - they give you a dopamine rush you don't get so easily from other activities. Your brain starts to expect it and before long you can't pay attention to anything that doesn't give you the rush.

Children who are allowed screens, in my experience, mostly have zero restraint and spend as long as they can on them.

Set limits and if necessary do a screen detox to help him remember how to do & enjoy other things. It will be painful - he'll be furious and at first will be awful but it will be worth it longer term.

He's autistic. You can't expect him to behave like a neurotypical teenager because he's not one.

He is autistic . He won’t be like your other non autistic children so you must learn to accept him as he is .
Also he is not a toddler anymore so you cannot organise activities for him ! Let him make his own choices at his age !

You might have more luck encouraging a hobby that he can just do by himself. I think school hours are enough social contact for some children and teenagers.

Echoing this too. And are they older/have been through this stage, or younger and more biddable?

Has he tried a computer coding club? Might be enough to give him the fix he craves.

Autistic DD is at a Young Wardens club at our local wildlife trust today doing conservation type activities for her DoE. They seem very well set up for teens with all kinds of needs.

When I want her to do something I give her lots of warning, do a dry run, give her plenty of downtime before and after and make it non-negotiable for a certain duration (6 months for new activities so that it becomes a habit and shes had chance to settle in and make friends) if it's important. When I want her to stop doing things I give her plenty of notice, she knows how much screen time she's allowed etc and I would never just tell her to get off, she has to have a count down "In 20 mins...", "In 10 mins" etc etc. It works well for us obviously may not for you

I really REALLY love the tips in this article, I think they are absolutely spot on.

You can't just complain at them and expect them to sort it out by themselves, you have to sort of coach and support them into it but I don't think it's that obvious how to do it. This has a really good kind of action plan and pointers. I wish I'd read it when my eldest was much younger (he did, thankfully, eventually get into some hobbies by himself, I think because we got incredibly lucky with a fantastic friend group at secondary school.)

https://slate.com/human-interest/2010/05/how-to-motivate-an-inert-child.html

One point that I thought was in that article but must have been somewhere else; in the "Building competencies" paragraph the author writes:

It is useful to help your child develop some skill, activity, or talent that can continue over many years and pay dividends in social engagement. Music lessons, for instance, not only build skill in an instrument, they also bring the musician into contact with others (jamming, recitals, school orchestras), which can do a great deal to build motivation. Although interests can be used to build competencies, this is a two-way street. Building competencies can build interest, which in turn leads to more motivation and activity.

The part I thought I remembered said that while this is a two-way street, what that tends to mean is that children can often be reluctant to continue/begin an activity that they are not yet competent in; you may be able to scaffold this with either insistence or bribery, or some other psychological trick. So for example, sign them up for 6 months of music lessons and tell them if they still hate it at the end of the 6 months, they can stop. Or get them to join a sports team and pay them for every practice they attend and fully participate in. Or get them to join alongside a friend or family member to "help" them or get a family member to give them a job where they are paid a small amount for their work and learn a skill.

This particular tip might not be one that works as well with autism, but I know for example with DS1 who has ADHD, that initial hump where you're not good enough at this thing yet for it to be rewarding is like a mountain or indeed a brick wall for him, and I hadn't thought about how to possibly overcome that, I just found it really frustrating.

To be fair, no one who has spent a lot of time with computers or screens has gone on to become a success, whereas there are a lot of successful walkers and Sunday league players.

When you put it like that ... 😁

Bullshit.

Screens/gaming/online can be a life line for autistic teens. It is pure downtime and for children who have additional needs,cut levels up the playing field. My DD (LD's) started writing fan fiction. This built her confidence, she works in the NHS and still games at 26.

OP I did what you did, at 14 she plucked up the courage to tell me that I was making her miserable. She continued horse riding, but dropped everything else except for cooking/baking and gaming. The gym or a martial art might be his thing in a few years. Help him to find a hobby, but for many autistic people the group thing is painful.

@sangriapeople , is your son autistic?

....

Woosh!

Have you tried Warhammer? Your house will smell of paint and your Saturdays will be spent dropping him at games and it’s ££s but fairly social and appeals to gamers.

Fencing, martial arts or similar can be a good fit.

Animation, sound/music, Cooking (particularly niche cultures).

As others have said, your autistic child won't behave like your neuro typical children.

The National Autistic Society often points out how helpful screens can be to help neuro diverse children regulate their emotions. Screens can often be their main source of enjoyable social contact as face to face contact is often quite stressful and exhausting for them.

As a parent of an ADHD/ASD teen who suffered the most horrendous autistic burnout at the start of this year and still isn't properly recovered, I would say step gently with the removal of the Xbox. He's gone from having that comfort to loosing it completely because of emotional deregulation which is part of his ASD and something he can't really control.

@BertieBotts that's a great point, I find when (autistic) DD is no longer the 'new' girl and she has some others that she can teach the skill to because she is more competent she gets more motivated that's why I think making it non-negotiable for 6 months via bribery or any means necessary is important, It's so easy to quit when you are a beginner with no friends there yet whether ND or NT but after 6 months there are lots of things to motivate you to go back not just the activity itself.

The only thing I can suggest at the moment is thinking of activities he can do to earn money to get the X box back. Remember if it was an autistic meltdown rather than controlled anger then it is not deliberate.

Also even if your other children were ND remember it is a spectrum- actually don’t expect any two people to be the same.