"but have you ever asked them why - even in a "jokey" way?"
No - no need.
SIL hates me -always has done. I have no idea why. We've never argued. I just take comfort in the fact that I'm part of a big crowd, because she hates loads of people..... the 4 year old daughter of her next door neighbor for being stroppy, the child's mother for - well, not sure really; her neighbors on the other side because they dress badly; her pupils (she's a teacher) because they're all (her words) 'thick and ugly';her boss; her ex boss and all the people she used to work with bar one (she's fallen out with her colleagues in almost every job she's had); my children - who she never addresses by name or makes eye contact with.......
Tell you how odd she is: after I had ds 1 my brother came around, the day after the baby was born, but I didn't see SIL until we met at my mum's two weeks on. She not only didn't say 'congratulations', or ask 'how was the birth?', but she actually managed not to acknowledge that I'd had a baby. She didn't look at him or ask a single question about him. She just sat there texting her friends and reading magazines the entire evening.
How's that for major snubbing?
It used to grind me down, but now I feel 'bigged up' by the fact that in these 13 years I've managed by sheer strength of character to treat her with courtesy and warmth, to show an interest in HER children (not hard - they're lovely), HER home, HER friends, HER health, HER career, HER family, despite the fact that she doggedly refuses to show the smallest bit of interest in me or my children.
I just feel sad that it's made me resent my brother a bit, as I love him so much. I wish he'd stand up to her and ask her to behave in a slightly more humane way. I really don't understand how he's let it get this bad. The only thing I can think of is that they've always lived in houses that she's owned and I think she's called the shots about who comes round and who doesn't. She hates all his friends and barely tolerates their visits. She must hate me more though because it seems she won't have me in the house at all.