Narcissistic parent

[User2534]

Hi, I'm probably being unreasonable but I'll try and keep the post short.

Background is that my mum is a bit of a narcissist. Last week, I was ill. She was with me at 9am saying I was fine. A friend arrived at 12 and immediately demanded I called 111, resulting in A&E and admission for a life threatening asthma attack and pneumonia. My mum didn't call or ask how I was. Finally, when I'd been admitted and sorted out to a point where I was more stable, I spoke to my husband and cleared up some confusion over how I was to make it clear it had been serious. My mum had a go at me for having not been clear with everyone about arrangements for childcare (by text during the afternoon when I was confused, on 90% O2 and generally not okay). She then had a go because she wanted up to date messages to say how I was and demanded a joint WhatsApp text group for me, my husband and her (duly set up).

During this she didn't offer any sympathy or arrange to visit or even say she wanted to visit. The main vibe that came through was jealous of others who had more knowledge and downplaying it, 'well I've been telling you for ages to get your asthma check...your asthma is very well controlled and the doctor meant that it wasn't significant.'

I was in for a week. She did some childcare for us, making sure my toddler was okay while I wasn't there for two days (she usually does one) which is why I think I am being unreasonable. My in laws and her nursery helped with the other days. But she didn't offer any comfort over the phone or visit at all during the week. She's now not going to visit as she's away for a few days.

I just feel resentful and cross at her lack of concern. And I don't know how unreasonable I am to feel pissed off. I'm grateful to be home with my family of course! Just frustrated.

Any thoughts would be much appreciated

I don't think your mum is narcissistic I do think you come across as attention seeking and a bit entitled. I selected YANBU in the vote but YABU IMO.

First of all, it's time to grow up and stop relying on your parents for childcare. You have a husband and your own family now, you are all grown up, why do you need your mother to tell you to call 111, or even your friend? It's up to you to know when this is necessary and maybe your DH can give you a second opinion when one is needed. As a parent yourself, you have to take responsibility. Your mother may have odd ways of behaving but I'm sure you do too! Stop relying on her and show her that you are responsible independent mother yourself instead of expecting to be mothered.

She's now not going to visit as she's away for a few days.

As is her good right? You are fine, what's all the drama? Leave your mother alone and flip the dynamic, you are an adult in your prime, why don't you look after her? If she wants support and looking after that is. If anyone is coming across as narcissistic in the here, it is actually you op.

YABU.

@BlackAnd4Paws - that's a bit harsh. OP I would also love a mum who would look after me when ill and check in to see if I was ok. I don't have that as she would make it all about her.
I do see other mums rush to look after their grown up children and take care of everything until they feel better and it looks so loving and nurturing.
We don't have those types of mum and it is upsetting. I think you are perfectly entitled to feel let down.

@BlackAnd4Paws I think that's a bit unkind. We relied on her for childcare when I was in hospital. I do numerous things to support her which I haven't listed above because it wasn't relevant. I don't expect her to phone 111 for me - I just meant she knew I was genuinely ill because she saw me right before I went in.

And yes I'm fine - thanks to the wonderful doctors in A&E and on the ward. Not by luck...and the recovery process from pneumonia isn't straight forward, actually so I'm not 'fine'.

I'd just have loved her to come and visit to give me a hug or something. Or even to say 'I would like to come and see you, I just can't squeeze it in as I have xyz to do'.

My mum isn’t dissimilar. Over the years I’ve found it’s easier to not involve her in anything. I wouldn’t tell her if I was ill until after and only then if it came up. Our families don’t help with childcare; I wouldn’t even think to ask TBH.

Hope you’re on the mend.

Sorry you were hospitalised but really you are a grown woman with a husband and child. How much 'mum' attention do you need?

She looked after your child (and it sounds as if she does it regularly). What is her crime? She didn't phone you personally to offer comfort - you would be getting that from your husband.

Perhaps your mum assumed if hospitalised for a serious asthma attack and pneumonia they wouldn't be up for a 'chatting' hence her request for regular updates and the what's app group.

It also looks as though you are blaming her for not insisting you go to A&E when she saw you at 9am.

Unless there is a huge back story it doesn't sound like your mum is narcissistic, it sounds as if she more practical - emergency childcare and updates via your DH. Where as you sound as if you would prefer some physical hand holding and brow patting. Neither of you is wrong you are just different.