My DH has worked at a company for 15 years. He is excellent at his job and is friends with the owner of the company. Some years after he started working there, a colleague (we'll call him G) started being friendly and wanted to hang out. My DH is pretty open, and G's wife seemed lovely, so we would see them from time to time socially. At this point, G had been working at the company longer than my DH, but was in a lower role. He also had no friends at the company; part of my DH's reason for hanging out with him was that he seemed like a nice enough chap who was being unfairly sidelined by other colleagues, left to eat alone in the canteen and so on. G complained about workplace bullying. We commiserated with him and his wife; G had been there longer than my DH, so perhaps he knew things or had experienced things we weren't yet aware of.
All was well, until we started to notice odd behaviour. G would turn up at work with an identical bag to my DH. He would laugh about it like it was "cute" for them to have matching bags. We laughed it off, stuff like that is no big deal. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, right? He then started doing this more frequently, and would deny my DH had the item first. "We just have similar taste." Or he would buy the item, then if someone else asked him where he got it, he'd say "I found it at X." Even though my DH was sitting right next to him! DH would laughingly correct him, only to be told he was being petty. At this time, G's position in the company improved somewhat due to his association with my DH. Suddenly G was being invited to things he hadn't been before. He started lording it over his previous "bullies" and would boast about what branded items he'd bought with his pay rise. It made us uncomfortable, so we would try to change the topic and avoided spending time with him when drunk, as he would get very loud and brash.
Then things got really weird. He started copying my DH's work and passing it off as his own. This was eventually pointed out to him and he had a massive strop about it. He then started dressing like my DH, and copying his social media posts word for word with almost identical photos. G would become quite sulky if my DH mentioned other friends, complaining that he never showed him the respect he showed said other friends. He also became jealous if my DH opted to spend time with me over him. I did muse once to my DH that I might end up as the bunny in the pot. My DH was at a loss, telling him to stop and behave normally did nothing. He would apologise, then resume the behaviour a week or two later. One time, we agreed (stupidly) to go on a long weekend break with them. They have a sweet DD who has SEN; when they brought her, they basically left us to parent her and twice I had to run into the road to prevent her from being hit by a car, as she'd shot off when they weren't looking. It was very stressful, but they took our politeness and concern as a desperate desire to hang out with their kid so they could relax. For many reasons, we were not happy with this, but bringing it up felt rude. If ever my DH would bring up any concerns, G would say "we're brothers, like family, this stuff shouldn't matter." Except they weren't brothers, it did matter, and if this was pointed out he would sulk dreadfully. If ever he apologised, he would be constantly on the lookout for the slightest transgression by my DH and say "Aha! You made a mistake, too!" Almost with glee. It was like being in the twilight zone. We wanted to sever all ties, but at this point G had weasled his way into my DH's office, so a fall out felt like it would cause a bad workplace problem. He did eventually speak to HR quietly who said it was a known issue they were looking into. I will also confess I hate confrontation, and a few times prevented my DH from blowing a fuse. In retrospect, it was very wrong of me as I now realise how upsetting it was for him to basically be losing his identity to someone quite parasitic.
Things came to a head when G got drunk and went on a YouTube channel and threatened to beat some people up he didn't like. Legal at the company got involved and he was reprimanded and demoted. He had caused rifts elsewhere, and was demoted again and given a final warning. Before the first demotion my DH and I took a massive step back. My DH was very hurt as it started to seem like he had been used by G to "improve his standing" at work. Other colleagues came forward and said no bullying had taken place, they had simply decided to avoid him as he would "single white female" his targets, copy them in every way and then try to replace them. It's absolutely fucking bonkers, I had no idea this happened to actual adults. Of course, he denies it all, describes himself as a "golden retriever who just wants acceptance."
However, here's my conundrum. I like his wife. She has had a terrible few years. She lost her brother, and got a scary health diagnosis. This is on top of dealing with G, who I now believe to be deeply disturbed, and her DD (who he is no help at all with... I have never seen a parent so quick to fly off the handle in private, but constantly post on social media espousing how perfect she is to look good in front of coworkers). I was content with avoiding him but being emotionally supportive to her. Sadly, she recently sent a scathing message saying G is now "in a great place mentally since the breakup of the friendship" and accusing my husband of being incapable of forming healthy relationships and telling him to stop lying about G to other people. Honestly, we wouldn't have spoken to anyone else at all if they hadn't approached us, but as soon as it became apparent we were no longer friends with G people started sharing their mad stories with us. My DH is the only reason G has a job at all; apparently, prior to befriending him, they were looking for an excuse to fire him, but out of respect for my DH, and because initially G was on best behaviour, they decided to give him another chance. I really wish someone had told us...
Is it totally unreasonable for me at this stage to decide not to be friends with G's wife? I feel so desperately for her, they almost divorced as well during this (wish they had TBH). But after this pretty scathing attack on my DH I am feeling quite hurt. I understand there are two sides to every story, and we most certainly made mistakes, but she painted my DH like some sort of monster and G like an innocent victim, despite the fact G made our lives very difficult, and tried to sabotage my DH by "getting in there first" with job related things. The whole thing feels really toxic, but I don't want to be cruel to someone suffering.
Sorry this was so long, there's more but I hope this sort of covers it. We dealt with it for several years and feel so stupid that we walked into this situation. I really don't want to be a bad person.