I (F38) had been friends with this person (F42), let’s call her Jane, for 5 years. We live long distance, chatted regularly and attended events together. We had planned to go on holiday in 2021 (a trip suggested by Jane) but circumstances with the pandemic meant we had to call of the trip.
In summer 2022, I took a trip overseas and to an event, Jane was attending along with lots of mutual friends, there were around 15 of us in total. One of Jane’s friends who lived in the same location as her was on the trip. I had gone there with the intention of not having any kind of romantic interest due to a recent heartbreak (which Jane was fully aware of and how badly that had affected me).
Jane’s friend, let’s call him Andy, took an interest in me almost immediately after we first met. He was slightly younger than me (M32), had a career in a professional services firm (the same as I do) and we had an interest in the same music, sports etc.
Towards the end of the trip, Andy and I got together and he told me that Jane had been repeatedly encouraging him to explore a relationship with me in the months before I met him (I had no idea this guy existed but Jane had apparently been pressing the issue with him).
Things started off really well but fast forward 3 months and all hell had broken loose. He turned out to be abusive - a narcissist, controlling, love bombing me and talking about a future to devaluing me (the devaluation began when I discovered he was a porn addict and impotent - which he quickly switched the blame for to me - he didn’t find me attractive). I was so shocked as I assumed with us having a mutual friend that he would be a decent guy and that Jane wouldn’t have suggested we get together if he was a bad guy.
I broke up with him. Jane called me afterwards and told me she heard we broke up and he had told her he had to break up with me. I corrected this and told her it was actually me who had pulled the trigger because he had effectively ghosted me for days so I had to chase him down to end it. When I ended things he sobbed, said he wasn’t good enough for me etc followed by the fact that he felt nothing for me, wasn’t attracted etc. I told Jane what he had said but did not disclose his addiction. Jane told me she thought it was bull as he had always told her how wonderful he thought I was but she had noticed that he had invited a girl along to one of their sporting activities - this was in the same week he had ghosted me. Jane also told me her other friends had seen him with other women and suspected he had been cheating. She told me ‘you’re amazing, he is an asshole, he’s not going to do better than you, I thought I would be going to your wedding, you were out of his league and I didn’t think you would go for him’ etc.
Fast forwards a couple of week and Jane starts telling me that she knew Andy had issues, he constantly complains, has never been able to keep a relationship and had a history of discarding girlfriends. This made me suspicious of her as I could t understand why she had encouraged him to be near me, particularly given the history and recent heartbreak of mine which she had been aware of.
Over the next few months, I notice Jane is slating Andy for everything - from the way he looks, the way he acts even down to the way he smells. During this time I had also noticed she wanted to bring him up in every conversation which I had asked her not to do. Jane told me ‘you can’t still be upset about this, it was only a few month long relationship’. I reminded her he was abusive and, following a conversation with another mutual friend who told me she had insisted Jane intervene to get Andy away from me (she didn’t act upon that), I began to distance myself.
Jane began to chase me at this point, she was constantly messaging asking if I was ok and attempting to make conversation with me in a group WhatsApp chat. I didn’t really engage at this point other than to say ‘I’m good’ when she asked how I was.
I removed Andy from my social media as soon as we broke up. A few months later, I log in one day and I see his face on my feed. Jane is posting pictures of him (just his face) on a night out. I realise at this point she is trying to incite drama and really is 1. Incredibly (horribly) two faced and 2. Going out of her way to provoke a reaction. A few of our mutual friends ask me at this point ‘what the hell is she doing’ and I cut her off, remove her from all socials and forget about it over the holidays.
At the start of this year, Jane messaged me out of the blue asking what our group trip plans were for the summer and if I could help her friend with a recruitment issue. I told her I was not spending and trip with her after the behaviour I had seen and could not understand why she would ask. She turned the whole situation back onto me and said it was my issue and I was behaving like a child and should have talked to her about it as that was ‘the adult thing to do’. I told her I didn’t see any merit in a conversation with anyone who behaved the way that she had and she told me I shouldn’t be hurt over a three month relationship. I explained I wasn’t hurt and had moved on but she had tried to bring up his name in every conversation and ratted on him about cheating on me. I asked her not to contact me again.
A mutual friend has told me that despite Jane telling me that she was going to make sure that Andy was never at the same events as me again, Jane had asked Andy to attend the event in the summer where a number of our mutual friends will be. My ‘friends’ had seen the exchange of messages between Jane and I and told me they couldn’t believe her behaviour and she would be isolated from the group. One of the girls in the group told me she had a similar experience with her sister in law and completely understood why I had walked away from Jane and would ‘always be there for’ me.
Fast forward to the holiday, my ‘friends’ spent the week with Jane, and for the brief parts I did see them they spent the whole time treating me with contempt (I had planned the trip, booked, paid for (with them later paying me back) and was driving two of the group (15 hours plus) on the trip.
I caught two of them talking behind my back when they thought I had gone to bed. They found it funny I had been ‘out of the group’ for the week and looked sad at dinner when photos of the people who had been around Andy and Jane were circulating. The girl in the group who had previously mentioned similar issues with her sister in law was not on the group holiday but asked me some time later when I had cut these folks off, what had happened. I kept it factual and just said I was not prepared to be treated with contempt whilst those same people are there for what I can do for them.
The group have been away this last weekend, including this girl who thought Jane was awful and said she would ‘always be there for me’. This girl has posted photos from the trip and they went with…..Jane.
I have spoken to my therapist who ASU’s I have been scapegoated because I have stated a successful business and these people don’t like my growth but I can’t help but be baffled by it all. Am I being unreasonable to expect loyalty from friends, particularly when they have told me they thought Jane was so awful?