To want some more sleep…

[Almondsandavocados]

First time poster, tired mum - please be gentle!
Backstory: when my partner and I got together we both were very focused on our jobs. Except, he just kept getting busier and busier. I nearly ended it due to his increasing bad moods when stressed and the impact the amount of work was having on us (for example, he was so busy he’d stopped doing housework etc). He went to counselling and things dramatically improved. Then, I got pregnant and things somehow got busier- he started a post grad degree and also a business arm of the not for profit he manages. It was hard with pregnancy exhaustion, still working full time and feeling like I was doing everything again.

Had our beautiful baby boy end of last year, I’m so in love and he’s a gorgeous lad.
The first 6 months were hard, which I expected, but I felt the hardest part was that the one thing I kept asking for DP just flat out refused. Baby is EBF and not the best sleeper (I co sleep now and that helps but I’m still having interrupted sleep and exhausted). I’d ask so often if he could just take baby out for a walk in the mornings so I could have a little hour of sleep. “No”. Most evenings he stays up till 12/1/2am for his own “me time” To unwind from his busy job and then says he is too tired to let me sleep in.
At 6 months we visited my family in my home town and I think he was inspired by watching how my brothers family run their day (my brother and SIL taking turns with mornings and equal share with everything) and when we got back said we should have a routine like that. So now we take turns letting the other have a 15 lie in while the making coffee/feeding the dogs etc in the morning.
my issue is sometimes after particularly hard nights I just need a bit more sleep. I give DP bonus sleep ins after he’s worked late but I just never get them.
Last night baby didn’t sleep much at all, and woke at 4:45. When DP got up at 6:30 (didn’t have to be at work till 9) I asked if he could do the coffees and I could rest for 15. He said no, it was my turn. I’m exhausted and just feel like he could have done this little thing for me. Instead he’s stroppy that I’m tired and “taking it out on him” because I can’t help but feel grumpy.
so, AIBU to ask for some more sleep? Or am I not and it’s normal to give your EBF partner a little lie in when they need?

YANBU. Does he work Monday to Friday? Are you at least getting one unlimited lie in on the weekend?

Are you on mat leave? What happens when you go back to work?

Don’t abandon your career, this man does NOT have your back.

Thanks so much for replying,

He works Mon-Fri but the nature of his job is there is also lots of weekend work, plus up until 2 weeks ago he did he uni study on the weekend. Since the 6 month mark I’ve been getting a lie in till 9 on Sunday’s and he gets that on Saturday.

I’m on mat leave paid till December. My jobs permanent and held for me until later though as where we live there’s a 2 year wait for childcare and we don’t have family here.

I’m aware that because I’m on leave I can have a rest with baby naps which I appreciate I think I’d just like some flexibility with the morning routine from him because I do this for him. So if he’s worked late I will get up on his “make coffee” morning to make the coffees to give him a bonus rest but when I ask for this to be returned he never does it. It makes me feel kinda shit and uncared for I guess!

Just because you’re on mat leave it doesn’t mean you don’t deserve lots of rest, including a lie in, rather than naps during the day.

There are lots of ways he could do more. He could go to bed early on some weeknights and get up with baby early to give you a lie in.

So if he’s worked late I will get up on his “make coffee” morning to make the coffees to give him a bonus rest but when I ask for this to be returned he never does it. It makes me feel kinda shit and uncared for I guess!

If he won’t reciprocate, then stop doing this for him. You see it as caring, he sees it as your duty. Don’t let him off the hook.

Thank you for understanding, makes me feel more sane for what I’m asking. The thing is, I’ve suggested these things quite calmly and explained how this would help. Yet, he refuses to give up his nights because he thinks I’m forcing him to not have any time to himself/wind down. So he won’t do that. And on the days he wants extra sleep when it’s his coffee turn he will simply roll over and go back to sleep and get grumpy if I wake him, so I don’t really have an option but to get up as baby is up and about. I don’t know what to do really, I feel like he thinks I’m being demanding!

That sounds awful, really feel for you OP! How horrible to have been woken up all night and he’s grumpy with you in the morning and won’t let you have 15 mins extra sleep. I’m a SAHM with a partner that has a really stressful job so really understand how hard it is to support each other when you are both exhausted in different ways. And we also have to agree on whose turn it is to get the coffees!
Great that you have been strict about each other having a proper lie-in day on the weekend though that must be nice to look forward to.

I wonder if there’s more to it on his side than just the sleep thing. How is he generally with the baby? Does he enjoy spending 1-on1 time with them? You mention he did a post grad when you were pregnant which would have added a huge amount of stress to your lives in what is already a worrying and exciting time having your first child. You also say he’s staying up late. Is he in a different bedroom? Does he support your co-sleeping and your breastfeeding journey? Any chance he’s getting grumpy because he wants more couple time with you and he’s feeling pushed out due to the baby? Does he resent you not working? Or maybe he’s finding it hard to adjust to a complete change in lifestyle post-baby?

Hi @Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon thanks for understanding, it’s so hard to find a balance, I think that’s what we’re struggling with. He works so hard and I think I’ve not quite come to terms with it as it was different (post counselling) when we decided to begin a family. I just hate the feeling that when we both have a need say of sleep at the same time, it’s his that seems to always get priority.

to try answer your questions- he adores our son and does feel sad he doesn’t have more time, he can find it hard to focus when he is with him due to thinking about work. In my opinion he’s struggling to adjust to the sacrifices of being a parent and has said he misses being able to “follow his nose” and do his own thing, his autonomy. I’ve probably not been very empathetic to this as I still think he arguably has more “me time” than I do, but maybe I had done more emotional prep work for this as I’ve more friends and family with families so saw that as a given before having kids! I feel silly for assuming he’d be able to support me more practically during this year. Im not sure about the resenting me for not working, Im still getting paid and we have joint (pooled money) finances so that’s all fair.

Thanks for your reply! My partner also really struggles with not having alone time not working or looking after the children and for us it helps to give him space in the evenings to retreat and read / have a bath/ watch TV etc. It does mean we never seem to get anything practical done (ie book holidays, plan etc) but it really helps him to recharge and unwind after a really stressful day. I like to go to bed early as so frazzled from the children (hence why I’m up now as I fell asleep too early with my daughter and can’t get back to sleep!).

For us it really helps to have something to look forward to on our own, work and child free. So my partner has occasional days / half days out at the weekend with friends, walking, pub lunches etc (nights out less so, these are harder work as he gets older!). Your OH could do the same, with golf, or gardening, gym or whatever he wants to do. And / Or he could have one night a week where he doesn’t need to be home for the bedtime / bath routine so can do drinks etc. You could do the same, meet friends etc (depending on feeding!). Also at weekend when the baby is napping you could both have a nap too if tired!! Your first baby turns your life upside down, it’s so overwhelming and even though we are years in we still struggle with the lack of freedom and just general exhaustion with it all. Even a few hours ‘off’ from parenting and work can really recharge us :)

Also, just to add it also really helps us at weekends to have fun things booked as a family too, so maybe a day trip out, National Trust, seeing family etc where you can feel like a family unit and connect and get away from work / housework for the day.

Thank you @Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon , your advice is so thoughtful and considered, I think they are all great ideas and I’ll suggest them when DP and I sit down next. I feel like we are in the trenches right now and our relationship has taken the brunt of it even if it’s so worth it for our gorgeous little guy!

While it's obvious he's busy and tired from work, this behaviour is completely thoughtless of him. You're asking for support and he's not providing it. To be honest, he should be recognising you need sleep and offering, not having to be asked.

I'd be very upset if I asked my partner for help and was refused.

@millsiem thank you for articulating how I’m feeling, it’s very upsetting asking for one specific thing and being denied. I just want a bit of sleep!

I had this with ExH. He never once got up in the night with our children, even when I begged him for help. The answer was always no, because he needed sleep to perform well in his BIG job. Then he would get drunk at the weekends, and wake them up in the middle of the night, before passing out and leaving me to deal with them. This was 26 years ago and I still hate him for it. Sleep is so important. Not helpful, but you’re not alone.

@CollagenQueen thank you for sharing, sleep is so so important, I can see why you’re still angry, what a horrible man I’m so sorry.
I think I just figured this part would be hard but we’d be supporting each other in a responsive way. That it’s been such a struggle to even get a weekend sleep in has made me question a lot of things. It’s nice taking turns but I think there needs to be more flexibility on his side as I am able adapt when he needs it! Writing here has helped me a lot to see a bit clearer.

How old is DS? If he is approaching a year old (only guessing as you said 'last year'), my first thought would be working first on getting him to be a healthier sleeper and then working on division of duties with hubby.

@KnowledgeableMomma he’ll be one in December. I co-sleep now with him and, like I said, that’s greatly improved things. I’m happy co-sleeping (I do kind of hybrid- he starts the night in his cot then comes in with me in the middle of the night- I’m set up for cosleeping ready for this).

It’s when things go slightly off kilter like with teething etc when I’m requesting support and not getting met. So this early 4:45am morning really threw me as normally he wakes at 6:30 (or around). I’m upset as I seem to be able to be flexible with my partner if he needs to change the routine and have an extra sleep in but he doesn’t seem willing to do that for me.

@KnowledgeableMomma sorry and I meant to add- I say interrupted sleep as I am still nursing at night and I do find it a bit tricky to stay asleep nursing even while co-sleeping. I don’t plan on night weening until past a year.

This is really sad. You poor thing. He is being a selfish shit.

This makes me angry just reading it. YANBU. He is being a selfish arsehole.

Can’t rely on a bloke. Early bed, take your vitamins.

Are you able to leave your husband with the baby for a couple of nights? Will he take a bottle or expressed milk? I think some people lack empathy until they are forced into the same situation. If he had to do the child care alone for a couple of days do you think he’d appreciate you more?

I’ll be honest it took me a few times to type a reply, I’m annoyed at your husband just reading your post. He is being completely unreasonable. You are literally asking for the bare minimum help and he’s being selfish. Sleep deprivation is literally torture, sounds like your husband has forgotten you are a team. Time for some serious words. Could you get someone else to speak to him if he won’t listen to you? Also until he reciprocates f**k his morning coffee.

I am not a morning person and wouldn't also struggle to get up with DS. Could you move to combi feeding so he can keep little one on a night? We used to bring the baby swing upstairs and if DS woke before around 6am he was feed and put in it whilst we napped.