To go NC with my mum? TW SA/rape

[NCparents23]

I’m 30 with 2 DDs who are 5 and 1. This is going to be very jumbled so I’m going to list things that my mum has done and see if you can decide whether I would be unreasonable.

my mum and I have a pretty superficial relationship. She comes to see my DDs probably once a month/ maybe once every 3 weeks. The DDs love her but she doesn’t really do anything while she’s here, mostly sits on the sofa while I cook for her and make her coffees. If I take the DDs out while she’s here she will opt to stay home and sleep on my sofa. We had a tricky relationship when I was younger as she was an alcoholic and manic depressive. She chose her creepy boyfriend over me and shipped me off to another country to live with my alcoholic dad (who I am totally no with). She did have a hard life, my dad was extremely abusive and would viciously beat her in front of us, once even breaking her nose. She would disappear for weeks/ sometimes months leaving us with our dad while he spent the majority of the time in the pub. This started from around the age of 7 I would say (siblings were 10 and 12). We really fended for ourselves, barely ate and were known as the smelly kids at school because we never bathed or had clean clothes.

some especially traumatic things were:

when I was 7 she brought a man back from the pub whilst my dad was in his home country. She was so drunk she passed out and he had sex with her in front of us. I now see this as though he raped her right? So I feel like I can’t blame her for that really but she did choose to leave us home alone to go on the piss.

as I mentioned above, she shipped me off to live with my dad at 11, I then spent the next 6 years totally fending for myself and was heavily SA’d by a neighbour in return for money. I feel sick typing that out and so ashamed.

there’s loads more stuff but those are the two that really haunt me. Anyway, I grew up, went from abusive relationship to abusive relationship because I didn’t really believe I was deserving of love. Settled down with my H who is far from perfect but Is not dangerous in the slightest, and have two beautiful DDs that I love beyond any measurable amount.

As I watch my DDs grow up, I see how easy it is to love them and give them everything, keep them safe and clean and fed. My older dd is now on the pathway for ASD through school after I have been fighting for years to get her assessed. My mum told me I had Munchausen by proxy. She didn’t support me with this at all. Now that the school are escalating it she is pretending that she believed it all along. But I had to fight alone for her.

ive recently come off sertraline and now every single behaviour I do, my mum tells me I’m manic and erratic. That I need to go back on the sertraline and it just feels like the final nail in the coffin. She has never supported me, it’s always been a weird battle where she tries to undermine me at every turn. I feel like I should go NC but worry about the impact on my DDs, and how confusing it will be for them.

I just want to say you are amazing and I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through.

The way your mum is behaving now sounds like she is bitter and jealous that you are being an incredible Mum.

If you need to go NC I believe your kids will get over it at the age they are x

Totally agree with @Ihaterhymingrabbit ! What a lovely mum you are - no wonder she is jealous!

I don't think anyone can make the decision for you, but fwiw I would be NC with my mum in your circumstances.

What an incredible, strong women you are 🩷

Well done you for overcoming such a shitty start in life. Do not let your mother’s character flaws poison your life any further. Certainly she had a grim time as a young woman, but she abdicated responsibility for her three kids. I think she probably is aware of her own shortcomings as a parent on some level and is using her criticism of you to make herself feel better. Your kids are young enough not to miss her - if you feel she is detrimental to your mental health then she is affecting your kids indirectly. Consider no contact.

Your dds will benefit more from a healthier happier you than a grandma that honestly you can't trust and who doesn't actually do anything for them. The chances are high that as they grow up, she'll do the same undermining stuff to them.

No contact seems the best way forward for you and your dds to me.

I'm sorry about your experiences.

I definitely feel that NC would benefit you. She sounds toxic. Very unsupportive and utterly abusive when you were a child.
I’m sorry you had such an awful upbringing and you should be very proud of what a wonderful mother you have become.

You would absolutely not be unreasonable to go no contact. Honestly I feel so proud of you for being such an amazing mum after everything you’ve been through, which was absolutely horrific! Well done. Just tell them that she’s making you feel sad lately so we’re going to have a break from seeing her then try to keep them busy for a few weeks. I hope you can get some counselling and really take care of yourself once you don’t have to guard your mental health from her. Wishing you all the best! X

Massive squishes @NCparents23 your mother is like a nasty malignant growth that needs removing from you life.

your children may love her coming round but I’m pretty sure they would love the company of any adult who engaged with them at that age.

If they ask about her just distract them. Change the topic. Just not seeing Nanny at the moment as we are going to do X instead.

she may be ok with them now but no doubt she’ll start the negative messages and imprinting on them as they age.

Certainly she had a grim time as a young woman, but she abdicated responsibility for her three kids. I think she probably is aware of her own shortcomings as a parent on some level and is using her criticism of you to make herself feel better.

This.

I also want to tell you that you should not feel ashamed about anything. The shame and disgrace lies with the man who abused a vulnerable child. He is a disgusting, dirty abuser and it was not your fault. Please understand that.

Op. Your mother is projecting onto you in an astounding way.

No real advice but just want to say that I think you're an amazing woman.

Thanks all so much, your kindness brought tears to my eyes! I love my DDs with every fibre of my being, I try not to ponder on my childhood too much, but it’s little things like brushing my daughters hair to keep it free from tats reminds me of a tiny me who had a mismatched choppy haircut because they couldn’t get the matts out, and being absolutely filled with lice. I have decided to temporarily go no contact and leave things for now. I’ve always been a bit of a scape goat as the difficult one simply because I try to set boundaries. She always goes on about how I’m trying to take my DDs away from her, we will see how long it takes for her to make plans to see them without me asking.

she passed out and he had sex with her in front of us. I now see this as though he raped her right? So I feel like I can’t blame her for that really but

As much as you shouldn't have experienced this either, no, she is NOT to blame. There should be a special TW for ignorant attitudes and comments in relation to what the TW was for.

Honestly, I don't think your mother deserves to be anywhere near you or your children. Absolutely YANBU to cut ties with her.

I appreciate that you say your DDs like to see her, but I think as they get older she is unlikely to be a good person for them to have in their lives.

I'm so sorry that you were put through such terrible things when you were a child. You are remarkably strong.

This really isn't the right time or context for this discussion. The OP is a survivor of horrific abuse herself and policing her language around an appallingly traumatic thing that she witnessed isn't helping her.

Of course it wasn't her mother's fault that she was raped but it was her mother's fault that she put her children in a dangerous situation, which was bringing a stranger home to the house while her children were there and while she was to drunk to care for them. The rape was not her fault. The negligence with regards to her children and the risk she subjected them to, however, was her fault.

@Somaliwildass whilst I understand your diplomatic point of view, you have no idea of the background of that story besides the very brief point I have written here to simply highlight why I want to go NC. I should have mentioned how she was bragging about him being a firefighter who was much younger than her the following day, or how she did not try and apologise for putting 3 children in that position. He could have easily did the same to us while she was passed out. I chose not to mention any of that because I wanted to make a point that I understand she has trauma too. In my head as a child, all I saw was that she was cheating on my dad. It was only a few years ago as an adult that I actually realised that there’s no way she could have consented to it. But she did not show any remorse or trauma in the days, or years that followed but I can promise you now that I still can see that event as clear as the day it happened in my head. Even thinking about it now makes my heart race and my stomach twist. But thank you for ‘correcting’ my language, you really made a difference here!

You are not being unreasonable. You have overcome a huge amount of generational
trauma and are doing a great job from the sounds of it.

I think the only question as to whether you just totally minimise contact, don’t go to her for anything, or whether you set the firm boundary of no contact at all. I think it depends on how her behaviour may continue to impact you, and your children, as they get older. If she is still having a negative impact on you overall, I’d go no contact.

I don't believe I 'corrected' your language.

I simply read your OP despite the TW, mistakenly thinking that perhaps you wanted to go NC due to lack of support around SA/rape, based on your title, and sympathised.

I didn't expect to be faced with the words I quoted and found your attitude (as far as you shared here) didn't extend to sensitivity towards anyone else's trauma.