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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm a shit parent

21 replies

pink970 · 26/10/2023 20:22

My DS is completely obsessed with his iPad. He has far too much screen time and it is my fault but now I want to make the change for good to reduce it, I just don't know how to do it. He is only 4 and is autistic, so in a lot of situations having the iPad helps to regulate him and helps massively with meltdowns. Unfortunately because of this, his speech is basically just repeated words that he's heard on cartoons which have no context at all. When he got his diagnosis they agreed he had echolalia. I don't know if he will ever "grow" out of this.

School have also commented on this which I feel embarrassed about, as obviously they agree he's spending too much time on it.

I feel so guilty and like the worst mum ever 😢 I know I'm going to be judged but I genuinely just want some advice on what I can do to improve things.

OP posts:

Raquelos · 26/10/2023 20:26

I have no experience in this, but just want to say, please stop being so hard on yourself. You care enough to be worried and posting here. You're not a shit Mum. At all.

Original poster

pink970 · 26/10/2023 20:26

@Raquelos I really feel it. I feel embarrassed and like I have failed him a bit by letting him have the iPad so much.

OP posts:

Mamoun · 26/10/2023 20:28

Remove the ipad and find other way to regulate himself. It'll be hard initially but you will get there.

quitefranklyabsurd · 26/10/2023 20:29

You are doing just fine! Mum of an autistic ten year old here. It’s exhausting and at times their iPad is a god send for regulation and for giving me some time out.

see it as one of the many tools in your asd toolkit!

HomeBird43 · 26/10/2023 20:30

Mine are like this when the iPad is lying around in view and their behaviour over the iPad is atrocious so I hate the damn thing.

If I hide the iPad, they kind of forget about it though. So it spends its life in the cupboard. I don’t know if this would work for you or not?

Original poster

pink970 · 26/10/2023 20:32

@HomeBird43 He will literally cry and scream until he gets it. I know I need to just go cold turkey and take it away though

OP posts:

Gnomegnomegnome · 26/10/2023 20:35

His speech may be no better (or maybe even worse) without the iPad.

Parenting a child with autism is tough, be kind to yourself.

CattingAbout · 26/10/2023 20:38

You are not a shit parent OP.

I've got an autistic 5 year old. Screens are useful for regulation - we use a timer to place limits on it.

My understanding and experience of echolalia is it's actually a really positive thing compared to not speaking at all. My DS was extremely echolalic at age 4 and uses nearly all his own original speech now. We had some input from speech therapy but mostly he just grew out of it.

FinalFantasyFan · 26/10/2023 20:39

Aw don't feel bad. I allow my three year old to watch Peppa Pig and other crappy shows at meal times because it's the only way he'll sit still and eat an entire meal! I'd rather he ate nutritious food and his belly was full than simply taking a few bites of something before running away! Also on weekends, when he's up early, neighbours are sleeping, and there's no daycare, I put the tv on to keep him entertained so he doesn't make too much noise and I can enjoy my coffee in relative peace :)

Do you also read to your DS? Try buying books with stories he's interested in, like dinosaurs or monster trucks/super heroes. Try and make it a routine, like every night before bedtime. Get books with vivid colours and pictures which grab his attention, and ask him questions about what he can see.

I also chat away to my DS, especially when we're walking to and from the bus stop, and I find that helps to improve his speech.

Also, try and take him outside to the playground or for a walk every day so he can interact with other kids and get fresh air away from the ipad. Does he have a bike or scooter he can play with?

iLovee · 26/10/2023 20:49

You are not a shit mum by any means! You have a child with additional needs and at the moment, one of their needs is an ipad - it may be something else soon!

You could always try a timer in order to time-limit the ipad?

Sending you lots of love x

zoemum2006 · 26/10/2023 20:57

I am going to answer as the mum of NT kids. I'm aware that it might be useless for a child with autism.

I tried to make sure I had an activity to replace screen time. So if I felt the kids had watched too much tv etc. I'd take them out for a walk/ bike ride/ soft play/ shopping/ park/ library.

Or we would do a specific activity indoors like playing a board game, doing a puzzle, reading a book, crafts/ making cupcakes etc (I was never any good at free play with them).

I never bothered stopping them from screen time if I didn't have something to replace it with.

I always felt if I'd done something with them that day it was ok for them to have screen time.

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 21:11

I don’t understand what’s so wrong with an iPad.

Before them we’d watch Tv a lot or play board games or read.
He’s doing all of these things but they’re just in one place behind a screen.

As long as he’s getting exercise and learning social skills away from the iPad, which I assume he does at school then i honestly wouldn’t worry about it.

You can start using it as a carrot and tell him to get dressed or eat his tea etc and then he can have it and you can use it to your advantage.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry about this at all.
If it keeps him happy and it’s not stopping him from doing other things then it’s fine.

Autumnvibes23 · 26/10/2023 21:15

I don't know if you this would work but I got a Yoto player for my autistic DC to reduce screen time. You put cards in it and it plays stories/music/podcasts etc.

Isthisexpected · 26/10/2023 21:20

We do a lot of habit stacking here. So we never take something away without first replacing it with something performs the same function or meets the same emotional or physical need. Then once the new thing is embedded, gradually withdraw the old thing if that makes sense. So in his case, if it helps him zone out or calm down etc then you need to spend a few months working on alternatives first.

DragonflyLady · 26/10/2023 21:22

You are not a shit mum at all. Have you looked at the gamer educator on Insta? She has a lot of wise words to say about tech.

BabaYagasLittleSister · 26/10/2023 21:26

This was me two years ago with my autistic son. I took the pads away, and he just had the same behaviour with books, and just repeated phrases from there.

Now he's okder his speech has improved a lot. But he still loves repeating certain phrases and for me to answer the same answers. It's comforting to him.

Don't feel bad about it.

When I took the pad away, he would get very anxious on the school run screaming for me to move the car forwards and kicking my chair, which is what what I need when trying to pull out at a busy junction. Then I gave him the ipad for every school run he's a lot happier and destracted. It's a very good tool.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/10/2023 21:27

I don’t know that you do need to remove it.

I was told that these things can be particularly useful to neurodiverse children

C1N1C · 26/10/2023 21:29

The first step is recognising the problem :)

Sad thing is that a lot of parents (these days) are either pressured into buying phones for young kids, or realise they can occupy/distract their kids with these gadgets to avoid being actual parents.

If you're going to cut it down, you have to have a plan for worthy substitute activities. That's the hardest part.

19847499fddqqedxx · 26/10/2023 21:30

Any hobbies or outings he enjoys op? Maybe having a set routine of Saturday morning get up breakfast, crafts and then trampoline park ? Or go out collect leaves ?
paint stones?
fidget spinners and pop out toys?
Im just trying to think of different activities that distract him?

Fionaville · 26/10/2023 21:31

My autistic son is a young adult now. Still does a lot of echolalia, the huge majority of it is conversations he's heard in real life. Lots of times it's stuff he's just trying to process. So please don't think that the echolalia is connected to the ipad (my son used to repeat stuff he'd heard on the ipad too)
The only suggestion I have with cutting down on screen time, is to do stuff together that he will enjoy. We play board games together or build lego, but when he was younger I'd sit on the floor and play with his toys with him. Maybe have designated screen time and that's the time you cook tea and get your jobs done. But the rest of the time, you have to engage. You're not a shit parent, you are doing whatever you need to, to get through this time. It's exhausting, but you have to put the time in, otherwise they can easily get lost in the ipad world.

Paradeofrain · 26/10/2023 21:36

Echolalia has been a thing since I first qualified, we'll before the days of ipads!

It's part of the way people learn speech, and with autism it's common that they learn a phrase from whatever situation. If you think of the way social stories work where we try and prepare others for a situation.

The phrases are often a "copy and paste' thing that people try in situations they feel fit. So they link say a train arriving at a station with seeing it on Thomas and repeat a whole phrase. It's away of acquiring language and it's often how people attempt to communicate in languages they are unfamiliar in eg the corny French phrases we parrot at school. Feel uncomfortable, not sure what to say, excited, bored? There's a phrase bouncing round your head for that

It's really common in people with autism but can be from mimicking music, books tv etc or even common house hold phrases.

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