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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you ask a guy out for coffee?

15 replies

Lilifer · 26/10/2023 19:32

I'm mid fifties and divorced. I live in a small town, my ex lives around the corner and we have a reasonably amicable and good working relationship when it comes to co parenting our kids (all in their late teens / early 20s) his family all live nearby and I get on well with them. One of his brothers mates from uni days has moved to our town for a year or so to work for my brother in law. This guy gets on really well with my brothers in law, my ex and my ex parents in law. He's single, never married , no kids and seems like a lovely friendly gentle sort of man. I would like to get to know him, I don't know if I "fancy" him in that way but I like him, the few times I've met him I get a good vibe. Problem is that my ex has sort of adopted him as a 4th brother, my in laws love him too, he's in either my exes house or my in laws or brother in laws every week a couple of times a week for dinner and get togethers etc my sister in law told me she considered setting us up but decided not too as he is too close to my ex and it would be awkward.
I would like to just meet him for a coffee and chat with him, if nothing develops that's fine, I like him as a person. But I'm scared to approach him as firstly afraid he will say no which will be really awkward as I'll still have to see him regularily at family events or he might assume I'm interested in a romantic relationship when at this stage I'm just interested in getting to know him a bit better.
I feel like at my age and living in 21st century a woman should be able to do this without angst and second guessing, but yet I cannot bring myself to approach him. Am I just being daft or would this be a bad idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilifer · 26/10/2023 19:47

Also I should say in case it's relevant that my ex has a new partner now for the last 3 years and we are all in good terms. There are still tensions at times, I don't think my ex will ever forgive me for leaving our marriage but most of the time things are fine between us.

OP posts:
nfkl · 26/10/2023 20:06

You seem quite distant socially.
I definitely wouldn t ask him out of the blue (online/msg), it would look off.
I would wait to see him in person if you really want to invite him out.

Nemareus · 26/10/2023 20:09

Work it naturally into the conversation. Get chatting just to him, talk about the local area and drop it in without directly inviting. If he’s interested he’ll take you up on it.

Zanatdy · 26/10/2023 20:09

I’d just ask him, what’s the worse that will happen, some mild embarrassment the first time you see him after (if he does say no). He might say yes, nothing ventured and all that

OliveToboogie · 26/10/2023 20:31

Just drop it into the conversation casually. Are you settling in, have you tried x coffee shop yet etc etc x

Crazycrazylady · 26/10/2023 21:37

It depends... on much have you been in company with him already. If a bit then have a go , if not then it might be a bit out of the blue and it might put him off a bit..
I think id engineer jt that I was in company a few more times and get chatting to him

StrangePaintName · 26/10/2023 21:39

Go for it. Or tell your SIL that actually you’d like her to set you up.

FelicityFlops · 26/10/2023 21:46

I do not understand why you are still "co-parenting" late teenage or early 20s people. Did you not do a good job when they were younger?
However, your post is very confusing - with in-laws and friends from university and all the rest.
Could it be that you are actually very confused? Why not take a step back and just not engage in all the relationship hoo-haa that seems to be around in the UK at a certain (low) demographic level?

Original poster
Lilifer · 26/10/2023 21:52

Thanks all.

I've met him about 8 times now, but always only at get togethers of my in laws, like for eg the other night one of the BILs had the grandparents some cousins and me and this guy all around for dinner. He's always really friendly towards me but I can never get him on his own for a chat because he just always seems to be in convos with for eg the grandparents, they love him cos he's really interested in history, agriculture etc (they have a farm) and the one time we were all in the pub together he chatted to me but then others joined us so I couldn't just take him aside if you see what I mean. It would look weird if I did that.
My SIL doesn't want to be seen to get us together as she's conscious that it might annoy my ex even tho he's moved on and is happy with a new partner, and I get that, it could be awkward for her.
If I bump into him (which is easy as we are in a small town) I could chat to him for a few mins but I just don't know how I would work in a "do you fancy a coffee" line somehow.
If I got chatting one to one when we're all together I think I would be fine to do that, but getting him on his own is not easy,
My SIL did give me his number though and thinks I should just contact him and ask him for coffee,

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilifer · 26/10/2023 21:56

FelicityFlops · 26/10/2023 21:46

I do not understand why you are still "co-parenting" late teenage or early 20s people. Did you not do a good job when they were younger?
However, your post is very confusing - with in-laws and friends from university and all the rest.
Could it be that you are actually very confused? Why not take a step back and just not engage in all the relationship hoo-haa that seems to be around in the UK at a certain (low) demographic level?

You sound quite confused yourself actually 😂

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 26/10/2023 21:59

Yes, ask him for coffee but wait until you're actually having a face to face chat and if conversation is flowing, then suggest it.

I asked a man from my gym for coffee. We started off saying hi when we saw each other, then we'd chat a little and eventually one night we were stood outside the gym still in sweaty kit chatting and I just said "I'm really enjoying talking to you but it's so cold, do you fancy going for a drink or a coffee instead sometime?" He said yes and we agreed a date to meet for coffee. It progressed from coffees to lunches to dinners and events. We didn't end up as a couple as it turned out that I was 11 years older than him 🙄(neither of us realised when we first starting spending time together) and he really wanted kids - and I was 50! (and hate kids). But he became a very close friend and still is. It was worth asking him for that coffee! (he's an introvert, he would never have asked me).

LondonQueen · 26/10/2023 22:05

Ask him, you only live once.

Original poster
Lilifer · 26/10/2023 22:10

HundredMilesAnHour · 26/10/2023 21:59

Yes, ask him for coffee but wait until you're actually having a face to face chat and if conversation is flowing, then suggest it.

I asked a man from my gym for coffee. We started off saying hi when we saw each other, then we'd chat a little and eventually one night we were stood outside the gym still in sweaty kit chatting and I just said "I'm really enjoying talking to you but it's so cold, do you fancy going for a drink or a coffee instead sometime?" He said yes and we agreed a date to meet for coffee. It progressed from coffees to lunches to dinners and events. We didn't end up as a couple as it turned out that I was 11 years older than him 🙄(neither of us realised when we first starting spending time together) and he really wanted kids - and I was 50! (and hate kids). But he became a very close friend and still is. It was worth asking him for that coffee! (he's an introvert, he would never have asked me).

That's a really nice story 🙌🏻

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilifer · 26/10/2023 22:11

LondonQueen · 26/10/2023 22:05

Ask him, you only live once.

Yes that's usually my philosophy in life but it's gotten me into trouble on occasion 🙈

OP posts:
IceCreamSundaeCat · 26/10/2023 22:11

It sounds promising? There's enough water under the bridge with ex. If you get on really well pick a quiet moment to ask him.

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