Estranged parent on end of life

14 replies

Ambi88 · 26/10/2023 18:54

I just need opinions, so my bio mother and I use the term loosely, abandoned me when I was a young child she abused and neglected her children, she had 5 at the time and then a few more later also removed. So I moved back with her at 13 because I was a stupid teenager and just wanted a mum, dad also abandoned us so any parent would of done at the time.
It was horrendous living with her she was emotionally abusive and drive me to the point I didn't want to be here anymore. So at 17 she kicked me out without warning. I haven't seen her since and I'm now mid 30s. I have children of my own and I cannot relate to what she did and the choices she made. I have healed and moved on and I'm happy in my life.
So getting to my point.. I was told by a brother she is on end of life care with cancer and has about a month or 2 left. And I should go see her. I have a heart condition so I don't want to travel 300 miles away for starters leaving a tiny baby and my teenagers also.
Secondly I don't feel I should have to.
Iv had people say she's still my mum and I should pay my respects etc but in my mind I lost and grieved for my mum years ago and iv healed already from everything.
AIBU?

OP posts:

TappingTed · 26/10/2023 18:57

I don't think you owe her anything. Her "legacy" if anything is that you rejected everything she was and have become a caring and present mother...so prioritise your lovely children and be extra kind to yourself and tell your brother you want no further information about this woman...who does not deserve the title Mother...

TappingTed · 26/10/2023 18:58

Oh and "pay respects"? Hell to the no...no respect owed to her at all. HUGE respect to you though for becoming the woman you have despite her. Take care of yourself, seriously.

141mum · 26/10/2023 19:00

Deff not, I’m in similar situation, and I wouldn’t go, just cos she gave birth to you does not make her a mother, and people who say, she’s still your mum, have probably grown up in a safe normal home
i could write a book on things my mum did over the years, but for my sanity I broke all contact.
enjoy being a great mum to yours and thank god u not like her x

JustALittlePotatooo · 26/10/2023 19:01

YANBU if you don't visit her. You do whatever feels right to you. I would only visit her if I felt the need for closure, but it really doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like you've already come to terms with it all. You sound very strong :)

Original poster

Ambi88 · 26/10/2023 19:01

@TappingTed
Thank you so much that's exactly my thoughts and my husbands thoughts too. I don't feel I owe her anything and was quite angry to even be asked to pay my respects so thank you for validating my feelings. I was made to feel selfish because a couple of my siblings are going to see her etc but honestly I haven't had nothing to do with them either

OP posts:

Mamabearandcubs · 26/10/2023 19:02

Don’t listen to anybody else’s opinion on the matter do what YOU feel is best OP. The only thing I will say is it may open a whole new can of emotions for you going to visit and with a heart condition and young baby you really don’t need to be putting added stress on yourself but only you know what’s right for you.

user1471556818 · 26/10/2023 19:03

Be so proud you have broken the cycle of bad parenting. If you don't want to see her don't and have no regrets.Try not to be dragged back in by your brother

jlpth · 26/10/2023 19:04

You do what is best for you and your kids. I can perfectly well understand your position here - YANBU.

TentChristmas · 26/10/2023 19:05

YANBU. Of course you don’t go for some outdated notion of respect. This won’t help you or your recovery seeing her. It will bring back all the abuse and what’s to stop her saying the same things and plunging you right back there as a child being abused. You sound a wonderful human and mum. Stay with your loving family

MinnieMountain · 26/10/2023 19:07

You went NC with her for very good reasons. History hasn’t changed just because she now has cancer.
I recently went NC with my father and shortly afterwards a good friend’s DF died of cancer, so I’ve had a good think about this. No way will I be there when he dies.

Roselilly36 · 26/10/2023 19:09

I would agree with PP, do what is right for you, no one else’s opinion matters. I have often thought about this situation as I have been NC with my mum for many years. As a mum myself, I wouldn’t see her under any circumstances, she disgusts me. Good luck OP.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 26/10/2023 19:24

No respects due.
"People" have not lived your life.
Carry on putting your mental and physical health first.

Thelnebriati · 26/10/2023 19:32

I was told by a brother she is on end of life care with cancer and has about a month or 2 left. And I should go see her.
Have your heard of FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt? It sounds like your brother is projecting his feelings of FOG on to you.
Its a very sad situation but its not one of your making. Carry on doing what's right for you and your family.

nadine90 · 26/10/2023 19:44

You don’t owe her a thing op, dying or not.
The only opinion you need to consider is your own. If you were to go, why and what for? Would it help you feel a sense of closure or understanding of the past? Don’t be pressured into going for her sake. She didn’t do things for your sake when she was in good health xxx

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