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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable but pls help regardless!!

26 replies

Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 16:48

Oh God where to start. I want to keep this short. (Edit- sorry, it's really not).

I met someone online in May - we connected just chatting and have met up maybe 7/ 8 times altogether. He's not local so it usually involves a 1.5 hr drive. Nothing physical has ever happened (no more than holding hands and a bit of snogging lol).

Although he's different in lots of good ways- intelligent, modest, easy to talk to and interesting - and not bad looking - certain things have put me off him and now it's just a flat nope.

My problem is my inability to be upfront and say no. (having said that- twice now I have told him, admittedly via text, that I do like him etc etc but don't want to see him - I'm too tired/busy etc especially for a long distance thing and also I told him exactly what I'm like when we first started chatting, ie that I REALLY like being on my own and find it hard to commit, etc etc.).
So I have 'broken it off with him' twice now! What a drama for 8 dates.

My problem is that he phoned on Monday- after I'd been very clearly avoiding texting/speaking to him for a while (I kept missing his calls) and he suggested that he gets an air BnB near me on Friday (tomorrow). To see me as a friend. He has told me he finds it very hard to want to be just friends, after I suggested that a while ago.

I KNOW I'm unreasonable not to have just said no on the phone. But I didn't. I was aware- and so was he- that I sounded very un-keen (he sort of laughed about it) and knowing what I'm like, he asked that if I decide against it, to please phone and not send another of 'those texts'. I've been avoiding the phone call because I'm a coward with these things, but I had just composed a text (and not sent it) when he text to say he's booked somewhere to stay round the corner from me, tomorrow.

Now it's too late. Ironically, I feel like I've got flu (just did a COVID test as I feel as bad as I did with that ) - obviously that's a good excuse but he won't believe that will he?

Not sure what I'm asking really. Just some helpfully kind words would be great!

(I don't need reminding how unfair/unassertive I clearly am....as I already know :/ )

OP posts:
jesshomeEd · 26/10/2023 16:51

It's not too late.

Just text him now and say sorry, you know you've been unclear but you don't want to see him anymore. Best wishes etc.

Then block his number.

Aquamarine1029 · 26/10/2023 16:51

Sorry, op, none of us can help you here. All you have to do is tell him no, you're no longer going to see him, and then you can block if you want. Honestly, this level of passiveness and timidness is just fucking ridiculous. The sky won't fall down if you tell him no, I assure you.

jesshomeEd · 26/10/2023 16:56

Or you could just marry him to avoid ever saying no...?

Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 16:58

Thanks both. I hear what you're saying, I really do @Aquamarine1029 . I absolutely do know how pathetic it sounds (and is) but when you've been like this forever, it's so hard to be different.

Think I'll just have to brace myself and go for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 16:58

@jesshomeEd 😁

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 26/10/2023 17:01

Too much drama for 8 dates!

Just text and block (and hide all weekend in case he still goes to the bnb)

TreePineapple · 26/10/2023 17:02

You need to think about this man’s feelings and be decent enough to tell him how you feel. Lots of people struggle with this but the fact you’re posting about it on the internet really shows another level of immaturity.

MariaVT65 · 26/10/2023 17:06

Does he know where you live OP?

Just text him, explain you feel uncomfortable with meeting him and you don’t feel he is getting the message that you no longer wish to see him. Clarify that you will not be meeting him, ask him to cancel his air bnb and then block him.

AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 17:06

Stop messing him around and wasting his time and money, it's completely unfair.

StrangePaintName · 26/10/2023 17:10

AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 17:06

Stop messing him around and wasting his time and money, it's completely unfair.

His time being wasted is not something I’d be worried about. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

OP, what @Aquamarine1029 said.

Maddy70 · 26/10/2023 17:10

You need to be clear with him. You know this.

Send a text.

Sorry. I'm just not feeling this anymore. You haven't done anything wrong. I just haven't got that spark. Sorry to let you down. Hope you can cancel your airbnb without a penalty and you meet someone lovely very soon

Thanks for everything

Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 17:11

@Maddy70 that's perfect. Thank you.

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 26/10/2023 17:13

Usually I would say call him, but since you've identified you find it impossible to assert yourself this way I think you need to send a text. Just be completely honest, tell him that you don't want to see him anymore. The illness is neither here nor there really, I wouldn't even mention it. You need to rip the plaster off, if you try to sugar-coat it he won't get the message and you'll end up back in this situation again in a few weeks time.

In fairness, he also needs to work on his boundaries. He has persisted in trying to meet up when though he could tell you weren't keen, which suggests he's either lacking in self-esteem or he thinks he can change your mind.

Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 17:13

@MariaVT65 he doesn't know exactly where I live, but does know the specific area.

OP posts:
Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 17:15

Agreed @neverbeenskiing . I think we're both at fault to some extent.

OP posts:
Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 17:17

You’ve basically told this man you’re not interested several times and he’s STILL trying to push your boundaries and pester you into seeing him. He sounds like a potential stalker and I’d just send a short text telling him in no uncertain terms that you’re not interested.

You owe him nothing.

Catsafterme · 26/10/2023 17:18

Regardless of whether I had booked somewhere and it was short notice, I would rather you were honest rather than continuing. Id appreciate that more than false hope.

Just bite the bullet and do it before it gets any closer. Saying no isn't a bad thing, do it more when you want to.

Edit: Just reread and see you've broken it off twice already. You're going to have to be firm if he's one of those.

Original poster
Manipulatorsbemanipulating · 26/10/2023 17:27

Thanks @Littlelucas and @Catsafterme . I've done it now. Feeling pretty awful but acknowledge I do need to be more upfront earlier on to avoid situations like this.

I still blame myself and feel very guilty, but to be fair, I have twice told him how I feel, and the last conversation was about remaining friends. But he still seems to want to push for more.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts, thank you.

OP posts:
Angryappendix · 26/10/2023 17:30

How old are you OP if you don’t mind me asking?

Maybe you’re just not ready for a relationship and when the right person comes along you will make lots of effort. Not judging here, just wondering x

Angryappendix · 26/10/2023 17:31

Sorry meant to say rather than “not ready” that you just don’t want a relationship with anyone….

Only saying that as I was the same.

Nowherenew · 26/10/2023 17:33

I think it’s really shitty of you to allow him book a B&B knowing you wouldn’t meet up with him and not letting him know until the day before.

I have been stood up for a date before and it was awful because there is nothing worse than someone wasting your time.
But I had just bought a new outfit, not paid for a B&B.

Its a very shitty thing to do.

Text him now and tell him you are very sorry but you aren’t going to meet up with him again and that you’re sorry you led him on and that you’re going to be blocking his number now.

Then once he’s read it block his number and don’t unblock and lead him on again.

Catsafterme · 26/10/2023 17:49

@Manipulatorsbemanipulating Yeah, it's hard if you don't like disappointing people or find it hard saying no but sometimes not doing so makes it worse in the long run.

Having said that, on the other side if I was involved with a woman who had already said didn't see it that way and had already called it off twice before, I'd take the hint rather than pursuing. He may innocently want a friendship but I assume it may be awkward knowing he wants more, so.

May take that badly as it would suck but better than pretending any longer.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 26/10/2023 18:01

If you are old enough to date, you are old enough to put your big girl pants on and have a direct conversation. What you are doing is awful and unfair. What is the worst that will happen? You will feel awkward for a few moments.

HomeatRoseCottage · 26/10/2023 18:07

It doesn’t matter in the least that he asked you to call not text if you’re going to cancel. He doesn’t get to decide how you communicate, and him asking you to call is manipulative because he knows you find it hard to refuse him on the phone and he thinks it gives him a better change of pushing you to do what he wants.

He has disregarded your boundaries and been, at best, unpleasantly pushy. You are right to want to break things off. Send him a short text saying that you aren’t interested in taking the relationship further and won’t be meeting him at the AirBnB, then block him. You really don’t need to worry about hurting his feelings when he has shown no consideration for yours.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/10/2023 18:48

Just text him and tell him you’re not interested and then block.

If he knocks on the door don’t answer. If he doesn’t go away call police.

Someone who hasn’t taken your previous nos for answers isn’t someone you want to see at all