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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hen do (yawn sorry)

23 replies

Chickitychick · 26/10/2023 14:58

Hen do.
I’ve been invited to an old friends hen do (think old school friend). Hen do is the usual large house for 30 or so people all chipping in.
I haven’t had a wedding invite yet. I don’t know if the invites have gone out yet or if I’ve just not been invited. I did invite this person and her partner that I’ve only met once at another wedding and they declined due to cost which is fair enough.
AIBU to go around around asking if the wedding invites have gone out?
I didn’t invite anyone on my hen do that i didn’t invite to the wedding. I Think it’s mean as that’s what attendees will be talking about? I also suspect there is a make up the numbers to share the cost issue.
Advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Whataretheodds · 26/10/2023 15:00

Do you know when the wedding is, roughly?

ThomasinaLivesHere · 26/10/2023 15:01

Do you know when the wedding is? It does seem unusual not to have at least a Save the Date by now. I think it’s fine to ask some people you know who might be going.

Original poster

Chickitychick · 26/10/2023 15:01

No idea. Had a message from bride to announce engagement.

OP posts:

Vinoveritass · 26/10/2023 15:04

I think focus on do you want to go? I'd only go on a hen do for a friend where it made me excited thinking about it, no negativity or suspicions

Original poster

Chickitychick · 26/10/2023 15:07

Vinoveritass · 26/10/2023 15:04

I think focus on do you want to go? I'd only go on a hen do for a friend where it made me excited thinking about it, no negativity or suspicions

Thanks. There is a history of cliques ect. I have been made to feel left out in the past and I’m afraid this will happen again.

OP posts:

gelatogina · 26/10/2023 15:12

If there was one or two people you know well and trust in the group you could ask privately if they knew what date the wedding was and if they have had an invite. But I wouldn’t make a huge deal of it.

the question of course is, do you want to go and would it be enjoyable?

itsmylife7 · 26/10/2023 15:20

Due to your last update I'd decline the hen do.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2023 15:21

I’d politely round about ask “so the hens booked, when’s the wedding”

AnaisMae · 26/10/2023 15:27

It's a weird one. I was invited on a hen do by an old school friend. I didnt receive an invite to the wedding neither did any of us from the same group. I'm glad I fucked the hen do off.

hotcandle · 26/10/2023 15:41

I would assume I havent been invited to the wedding and I've been added to the hen do to make the overall cost cheaper for everyone else.

That's really horrible OP. Don't let it get you down. She doesn't sound like a good friend

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 26/10/2023 15:42

I wouldn’t go if they’ve been bitches to you in the past.

ILostMyself · 26/10/2023 15:44

Hens are not normally more than 3 months in advance of a wedding are they…? I’d assume invites have already gone out and I’d not been invited so I wouldn't go. I’d ask a couple of people if they had had invites to be sure maybe.

ILostMyself · 26/10/2023 15:46

On a side note it is really bad form to invite people to a hen and not the wedding. So selfish to expect others to pay and go out of their way to come on your hen but not invite them to celebrate on your actual wedding day.

mewkins · 26/10/2023 15:47

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 26/10/2023 15:21

I’d politely round about ask “so the hens booked, when’s the wedding”

Me too.

gannett · 26/10/2023 15:52

Chickitychick · 26/10/2023 15:07

Thanks. There is a history of cliques ect. I have been made to feel left out in the past and I’m afraid this will happen again.

Show quote history

Given this context I probably wouldn't go, and would try to distance myself from the social circle generally.

Possibly would make an exception if hanging out with them was fun on some level regardless of the cliquiness, if I wasn't hugely emotionally invested in the friendship and if I was thick-skinned enough to let it roll off me if they were cliquey again. And if I could afford it easily.

Friends don't make other friends feel excluded though.

LoisLanyard · 26/10/2023 15:53

I would ask too - it’s not rude to ask when the wedding is, especially if you have been invited to the hen do. If anyone (including the bride or other hens) tries to make out it is rude to ask, then that is them being weird not you. If it is a small wedding then it gives the bride an opportunity to say so and avoids any embarrassment.

mnahmnah · 26/10/2023 16:03

How would you feel if you once you were on the hen do, you found out that you were not invited to the wedding? I know I would feel incredibly awkward and it wouldn’t feel right being there at all. So I would definitely ask others if they know when it is and if invites have gone out, before the hen.

Whataretheodds · 26/10/2023 16:52

Chickitychick · 26/10/2023 15:01

No idea. Had a message from bride to announce engagement.

Recently?

It's not rude to ask her when the wedding is.

Littlelucas · 26/10/2023 16:56

Really weird IMO to invite people to the hen who aren’t invited to the wedding. It smacks of wanting to feel popular and seem like you have lots of friends on the night out but being too tight to stump up the cost of having these “friends” to your wedding. Either that or she’s that up herself it doesn’t occur to her that everyone wouldn’t just be THRILLED to be involved in her nuptials in any small way!

People do lose their heads over getting married sometimes.

cocksstrideintheevening · 26/10/2023 17:37

I would assume not invited op, but weird to get the hen do booked in without knowing when the wedding is. Is it a case of making up numbers to fill the house and bring overall cost down?

LocalHobo · 26/10/2023 17:41

It wouldn't be rude to ask for details of the wedding, just say you need plenty of warning to sort childcare/annual leave/ transport or any random thing, if given to you then no problem but if it transpires you are not invited then walk away from this user.

RampantIvy · 26/10/2023 18:06

A large house for 30 people? This sounds like a car crash waiting to happen. Given your update do you really want to go?

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 26/10/2023 18:15

OMG don't go! You haven't been invited to the wedding if the hen is being planned and you don't have an invite. It's too humiliating to go to a hen for a wedding you aren't invited to! How rude of her!

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