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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think people shouldn't be relying on me

24 replies

flowerpot258 · 26/10/2023 06:36

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with a nearly 2 year old toddler.

I have pelvic pain, I'm not sleeping great which is a mix of toddler being up in the night and just not being comfortable enough to sleep being pregnant. I have a couple of health conditions that need monitoring during pregnancy which means I have doctors appointments every 2-3 weeks for blood tests and hospital appointments for baby scans and afew other tests. I'm exhausted both mentally and physically from this pregnancy not to mention the fact I have quite a big bump so maybe shouldn't even be driving at this stage.

I had got a ticket to this kids party. A few of my friends were going with their kids too. Long story short, I have said I'm not going anymore as toddler has been up all night and i just feel like I can't physically run around after her in that setting. She's generally quite clingy at the moment so always wants to sit on my knee or be picked up and carried. I just can't do it at the moment.

My friend is "disappointed" as she was apparently relying on me to go to the party and won't be able to take her kid now. She says it's too far to walk and our other friends don't have space in their car. I'm sorry but how is that my problem? I have enough to deal with without being made to feel guilty or pressured to do stuff I don't want to do. I did say I might be able to come over and pick her up but I didn't realise she was relying on me to take her.

We have something else booked next week with the kids and again I'm feeling like I don't want to go anymore but have a feeling she was maybe relying on me to take her eventhough she hasn't asked or mentioned it. Is it bad to think she shouldn't just assume I'm going to give her a lift all the time? Sometimes it's not even on my way to the destination, I have to go a massive detour. She doesn't drive so has no concept of how annoying that can be and she doesn't offer me any money for petrol or anything. Just assumes I'm her taxi and gets annoyed / disappointed when I can't take her somewhere.

I normally wouldn't mind as much but with being pregnant and having a toddler to look after I just can't physically do it at the moment but she is still making me feel guilty and responsible for not wanting or being able to ferry her around all the time.

Sorry this post was a bit longer than intended!

OP posts:

BrennanBooth · 26/10/2023 06:45

Cheeky fucker, that is certainly not your problem especially as she hasn’t even asked you?!? Wtf No, I’d be doing whatever suited me and even if you do go to something together I wouldn’t be giving her a lift!

Climbingthehillfast · 26/10/2023 06:47

She’s a cf!

Original poster

flowerpot258 · 26/10/2023 06:50

@Climbingthehillfast sorry what's a cf?

OP posts:

Lochness1975 · 26/10/2023 06:52

Cheeky fucker

Lochness1975 · 26/10/2023 06:54

And yes she is one! If you aren’t well
enough, you aren’t well enough. Don’t go just because she’s making you feel guilty. Hope you feel better soon x

FloweryName · 26/10/2023 06:57

had you agreed to give her a lift before this party or had she just assumed. If she just assumed this time then she’s being a CF.

I don’t think most people would consider that you’d have a problem driving at 28 weeks pregnant though, even with a big bump.

Tara24 · 26/10/2023 07:00

Put yourself first and just let her know you aren't well enough. The rest is up to her.

RecycleMePlease · 26/10/2023 07:01

Sorry you're having a miserable time of it. For me too, the last 3rd was the worst - uncomfortable, slow moving, increasingly inflexible due to massive baby in the way (who hated me sitting down so would kick and stretch when I was driving especially)

It's a pity for your friend, but taxis exist, and you're allowed to not go to a party if you're not up to it. She's being cheeky always expecting lifts from you and giving nothing back.

Sparklesocks · 26/10/2023 07:03

You’re absolutely right - your priority right now isn’t being her taxi driver and ferrying her and her kid around. You need to know your limitations and put you/your family first. Don’t let her guilt trip you.

enidblythe · 26/10/2023 07:11

She is terribly cheeky and self Centeredz and clearly not thinking about you and your health / pregnancy.
I would be tempted to let the rest of the group know how difficult your pregnancy is and how she is expecting you to be her taxi driver and putting you under pressure. Else she ll probably be telling the others you let her down.
Or maybe text her and tell her you are unable to drive at the moment but if she s going via taxi could she pick you up along the way too to return the favours given with previous lifts ?

andyourpointiswhat · 26/10/2023 07:11

You are absolutely not being unreasonable in prioritising yourself but I think you should be upfront with this woman rather than allowing room for misunderstandings and resentment. I would message her and say “sorry if you assumed I was driving you today and couldn’t make other arrangements. Just letting you know that I’m having a bit of a rough time with this pregnancy and it is more than likely that I will have to bail on things last minute so it’s best if you make other arrangements if you need lifts”. I know half of MN cringes at the idea of not being a people pleaser but trust me life is so much nicer with boundaries.

HugoDarracott · 26/10/2023 07:15

Has she messaged you specifically to say she's disappointed or in the group chat?

I'd be tempted to message your disappointed she's not more concerned about your health. She's being really unsympathetic. Pregnancy is crap and I hope you get some rest.

DinoMummsy · 26/10/2023 15:47

Yanbu, what a cheeky git your "friend" is. Pregnancy is exhausting, even without running round after a toddler, so please don't feel guilty for cancelling plans. Take care of yourself first. And stop giving lifts to that freeloading, selfish friend.

Ella31 · 27/10/2023 00:13

FloweryName · 26/10/2023 06:57

had you agreed to give her a lift before this party or had she just assumed. If she just assumed this time then she’s being a CF.

I don’t think most people would consider that you’d have a problem driving at 28 weeks pregnant though, even with a big bump.

Pelvic girdle pain is horrendous first of all. I'm also 28 weeks with it. I'm also like the op exhausted, big and uncomfortable. 20 mins into any event I'm sore. I wouldn't expect anyone past 20 weeks pregnant with pelvic pain to be driving. It's the worst pain I've ever had.

Millybob · 27/10/2023 00:18

A lift from a friend is a kind gesture - not an entitlement.

Lindy2 · 27/10/2023 00:30

It's not your problem. A lift is nice but it shouldn't be expected unless someone has specifically offered - even then the driver can change their plans.

I'm assuming when baby arrives you'll have 2 car seats in the back and therefore less room for passengers? Your friend needs to start to get used to making alternative travel plans.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 00:35

Not your problem, tbh anyone expecting anything from a woman at this stage is unreasonable, people should be helping you out for a bit.

Stressyfab · 27/10/2023 00:41

As a non driver I never expect a lift! Your health is 100% more important than her apparent inability to book a taxi.

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 27/10/2023 01:14

Now is the time to set boundaries.

Tell her you are finding driving difficult so it’s best she plans to make her own way to places in future.

She is a CF saving taxi money at your expense.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/10/2023 01:26

You do whatever you want to do and not what your cheeky friend wants you todo

and when you are up to it don’t offer. And if she asks tell her coming to collect her is out of your way, so she gets to yours, or pays you for the petrol, that’s if you want to do it

Takenoprisoner · 27/10/2023 05:59

please say what you've said here, 'I'm pregnant, unwell and have a small child. please don't rely on me for anything, I'm just trying to get through the day sometimes.'
If she doesn't immediately apologise, or gets the hump or keeps expecting things from you, she is no friend, feel free to ignore her going forward.

Watchkeys · 27/10/2023 06:02

She can expect what she likes, and be as disappointed as she likes. Why would you care about her feelings? She doesn't care about yours.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 06:31

She says it's too far to walk and our other friends don't have space in their car.

IT'S CALLED UBER/A TAXI

Yanbu I would be irrationally annoyed as she been pregnant herself

I'd also make a point of not giving her lifts in future.
So on the group chat
"Yes. I'm up for toddler jamboree (or whatever)! I'll be going straight from my parents so won't be able to offer any lifts"

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 06:35

YANBU.
Look after yourself.
You don't owe this person lifts, especially if the relationship is as one sided as it sounds.
Do be honest though, in the sense of pointing out that you're just not able to commit to as many social activities just now and so she needs to think about how she's going to get herself to events.

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