To say no to being DSis MOH?

[SuspiciousLampshade]

So my DSis got engaged earlier this year which I think is fantastic as she’s been wanting to get engaged for a while. I live in a different country to the rest of my family and have two DC. The wedding is planned for summer 2026.

DM has informed me that DSis is planning to ask me to be maid of honour and for my DC to be in the wedding - they will then be 6 and 4 years old. It’s really sweet that they want to include my DC but I really don’t want to be MOH - as mentioned I live in a different country so I will find it hard to be around for dress shopping, organising all the hen do, all the usual MOH duties - and i feel like being MOH and also trying to shepherd round the DC on the day will also be a lot. I have a very hands on DH but at present DC are very mum oriented - fully accept this might not be the case in 3 years but right now I just have visions of them being disruptive because they’re not with me...

Plus, I feel like DSis will miss out on all the wedding planning chats/evenings with her MOH which I thought was fun when I got married - I mean I would try my best but Zoom calls are not quite the same as going out for a coffee and doing some planning. DSis was a bridesmaid not MOH at my wedding, as I also have another half sister and so chose a friend to be MOH, in case that’s relevant. DSis was happy with this. I’m also her only sister, for context. She has a few close friends that I’m sure would make fantastic MOHs.

So basically…AIBU to say no to the bride when she asks me to be MOH or should I just say yes because it’s her day? DM is under the impression she’d take it really badly if I say no. She’s over for a visit in a few weeks so I need to figure out what to do before then! We have a good relationship which I don’t want to ruin…what would you do? How would you phrase it if you would say no? Would be good to get viewpoints on both sides!

Just ask her if she’s sure because of the type of MoH you think you can offer to be.

I'd phrase it exactly as you have. That you don't want her to miss out on having an on hand MOH. But that you'd still love to be a bridesmaid and for your DCs to be in the wedding too. I think that's fair.

If she asks you, just ask what she's expecting from you as MOH because obv you love aboard. She isn't necessarily looking for someone to help her plan it. She might be happy with what you can offer. Will it upset your half sister and tho? Worth mentioning if so

I don't think I could say no to my sister, I imagine that would really hurt. She knows you're in another country so presumably is OK with doing the things you've mentioned with her other bridesmaids?

I really wouldn't worry about your DC at this point either, they'll likely be very different kids in 3 years time. It's not like you won't see them all day either, they'll be fine

I don’t think you should say no, but tell her you wouldn’t be offended if she wanted someone geographically closer to you.

That said one of the reasons I was my cousins MOH was because I was further away so it was a good reason to have a different dress so I didn’t have to travel for shipping with tbt other BMs. She was very much the type who just expected her bridal party to turn up on the day though. Not be heavily involved beforehand.

Just say you are honoured and touched she would ask but does she think having a bridesmaid who lives nearby would also be good so they could maybe do the hen do organising for her local friends. You could then offer to be on zoom for the dress fitting and the BM be with her for the in person support.

So I would say how thrilled you are but you are worried she would miss out with you abroad and see if there’s a way to manage both

If you have a hands on DH then kids of 6 and 3 is no excuse at all sorry and would seem like you are trying to get out of it. They are more than old enough to be entertained by other family whilst you do the MoH thing.

Helpful already - thanks! I won’t mention the kids as I agree it’ll seem like I’m trying to get out of it. I could offer bridesmaid as a compromise. She can be quite demanding though (as can I!) so not sure she’ll accept that.

I agree it’s hard to say no to your sister on her wedding day so I should probably put my own feelings aside and just say yes - perhaps suggest she has one of her close friends do dress shopping etc with me on video if necessary - I guess there’s also a lot of time to 2026 so can also go on one of our visits home maybe?

To the pp asking about half sister - they’re technically both my half sisters, DSis who is getting married and I have the same DM, my other sister and I have the same DF. So my two sisters don’t really have any connection and my other DSis won’t be invited.