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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to expect my husband to cut off his brother?

21 replies

ILCTM · 25/10/2023 19:22

My husband's brother I think has lots of psychological problems - he's not had any diagnosis, but his behaviour just isn't normal in my opinion. He's very irresponsible, very self-centred. When my husband was a child, his brother (who is 4 years older) would regularly steal his stuff and pawn it for money. This kind of behaviour.

His brother goes through phases where he will message my husband abusive messages. My husband just blocks him until his brother gets over it and they kind of move on from it.

A few months back though, he started doing it to my husband again, but then also to me as well, which he's not done before. There literally is no reason for this. The only thing I can come up with is that their sister came to stay with us for a few days with her kids (hers and our kids are the same age), but it's not like we've never invited his brother up anyway.

So he started sending me abusive messages and voicemails, calling me a C**T and various other things. He also posted some nasty things on my Facebook page. So I've blocked him on absolutely everything.

Anyway, their dad died recently. My BIL's behaviour was vile. All he cared about was selling any of his dad's stuff that might be worth anything and getting his share of his dad's savings.

He's just a bad person all round is my view. He's even texted my 10 year old son calling him a pr*ck and a mug. So he's on block there too.

So anyway, cos their dad died, my husband and BIL have once again gone back to speaking again. His brother hasn't apologized to me for all the names he called me so I've said I want absolutely nothing to do with him and he's not stepping foot inside our house. Now Christmas is coming up and his brother will be going to my mother in law's, but I've said to my husband I'm not going anywhere where his brother will be. My mother in law has said this makes it awkward. She's aware of what's gone on.

I'm just annoyed at my husband to be honest because if my brother behaved in that way to my husband, I would either confront my brother, tell him to sort it out and apologise or completely cut him off or both, but my husband won't do that cos he just wants to keep the peace. Am I being unreasonable cos I just feel really annoyed about the whole thing?

OP posts:

Greydogs123 · 25/10/2023 19:29

You are not unreasonable to feel how you do about his brother and I would definitely avoid any contact with him. You can’t dictate to your Dh what he does, but you can point out that he is basically condoning the abuse both you and your son have received, by ignoring it.

Doingmybest12 · 25/10/2023 19:31

No, it is impacting your child. You can't expose your child to this.

Optionyougot · 25/10/2023 19:34

By the point I reached the messages to your child I voted yanbu. Your husband and mil need to realise that YOU are not making things awkward, your BIL is through his behaviour and failure to apologise. I wouldn't be letting him anywhere near my kids.

Blobblobblob · 25/10/2023 19:37

You have every right to refuse any dealings with someone who behaves this way.

The fact that he's also attacked your son is a hugely aggravating factor. Not only do you have the absolute right to hold the line, your choice will send your son a strong message about how you value him and how he should value himself.

Absent a truly grovelling apology to both of you, the only appropriate course of action is to refuse anything to do with this man.

He may have an undiagnosed condition but that is absolutely not your problem.

I have a brother in law who behaves like this to his close family, he does have one diagnosis and probably would meet the criteria for at least one more. He's never done it to me so low contact, arms length relationship is in place. But I know what I'll do if that changes.

Tinkerbyebye · 25/10/2023 19:37

YANBU. He’s been nasty to you and your child. You are doing the right thing protecting both of you. If your husband thinks it’s ok for his brother to speak to his wife and child like that then you have a dh problem

I would not be going anywhere the brother is

Ibravedaflood · 25/10/2023 19:38

Christmas at home. New tradition tell mil. She can visit you. Her feelings to have you all there don't trump yours to stay away.

BMW6 · 25/10/2023 19:40

What did your DH say when his brother called his son a prick???? His 10 year old child?????

Unless the bloke has diagnosed Tourettes I'd have no contact either.

Has he been diagnosed with a MH condition or is he just a nasty piece of work?

Melodysmum12 · 25/10/2023 19:40

Wow! If my DH sided with a brother like this I would end it. Calling you a C*unt is going too far…

LittleMG · 25/10/2023 19:41

You can cut him off no guilt he’s awful. But I don’t think you can expect your husband to. It’s his brother but I’d be very annoyed he’s not confronted him on what he’s done to you and your 10 year old son! Omg

Original poster

ILCTM · 25/10/2023 19:44

I think it's one of these things with his family. His brother has always behaved like this, so it's almost kind of accepted that it's just how his brother behaves, you just have to ignore it, accept it and move on from it, but I don't have to. he's not my brother and if he was, I would cut him off. He regularly sends abusive messages to his sister as well. My husband said that his brother (who is in his 40s) never appeared to grow up past 12 so thinks calling a 10 year old a pr*ck and a mug is perfectly normal behaviour.

I just feel angry about the situation and I almost feel that my husband isn't being loyal to me by still communicating with his brother and not even calling him out on how he's behaved, but as said above, I can't dictate to him what he does. It's up to him and I guess I don't have to like it, but my husband knows exactly how I feel. It's just I know if the roles were reversed, I would not let my brother speak to my husband like that and let it go.

When I told my mother in law about all the things her son had called me, she just said, "Oh I'm not having any problems with him at the moment (she has done in the past). I just find him really funny," and then launched into some funny story about him. Honestly, I just thought if my son started sending abusive messages to my other son's wife, I'd be kicking off, but I guess I'm me, my MIL is her.

OP posts:

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/10/2023 19:46

This does not sound like MH, he just sounds like an anti social idiot. Whose family continually let him get away with it. Set your limits, explain to DH that they will not change, you understand it is hard for him but this is how it has to be, especially to protect your son. And explain to your MIL that you are sorry if she finds it awkward but this situation is not of your making and is unacceptable.

INeedAnotherName · 25/10/2023 19:51

but I've said to my husband I'm not going anywhere where his brother will be.

He's even texted my 10 year old son calling him a prck and a mug. *

Your son should be nowhere near him either. If DH wants to maintain contact that is on him, but don't let your son near the brother since his dad is unlikely to protect him. That alone should have made your DH go no contact 😯

Lollypop701 · 25/10/2023 19:52

He’s never grown past 12 because his whole family have pandered to him.. mil started it and probably encouraged her other children. Time for dh to put his family first… which he promised in vows

time to drop the rope and if your DH won’t stand up for his child against his adult brother (although I’d be seriously pissed off about you) I’d consider leaving in all honesty

Original poster

ILCTM · 25/10/2023 19:55

This is what I said to my husband. You can't justify that behaviour just because that's what he does. I know it's an extreme example, but you couldn't excuse a serial killer's behaviour because that's just what they do!!

I think my husband gets a bit paranoid that his brother will do something to our car or house, because it wouldn't be out of character for his brother, so would rather just keep the peace.

We did both call out him out when he sent those messages to my son and I really got the impression his brother just didn't get what was wrong with it, almost like he thought it was just a bit of banter. That isn't banter, especially not with a child. I just think he's a total psychopath.

My husband doesn't have any connection with his brother, he couldn't care less if he never saw him again, but I think he just wants to keep the peace for the sake of his mum I guess. It just frustrates me cos I wouldn't tolerate this sort of behaviour from anyone in my family towards myself, my husband and certainly not my kids, but then none of my family ever would behave in that way.

OP posts:

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 19:57

YABU you cannot make your DH choose between you and his brother that he’s known his entire life.

If he wants to cut his brother off then that is his choice, not yours.

His brother sounds like an absolute arse, who gets away with murder and needs to be told by the family that his behaviour is unacceptable.

He obviously has a lot of MH issues though.

You absolutely need to not be in contact with him and I’m impressed with how you’ve put in boundaries.

Its a shame that you can’t go to your MILs for Christmas but I’d feel the same as you.
Perhaps DH can go on his own for a couple of hours.

Scousefab · 25/10/2023 20:02

You are definitely not being unreasonable myself and partner have been through something similar. He sounds like he has mental health issues unless he sends a massive apology to yourself and your son. Personally people don’t change and my BIL just got worse. The scum bag even tried changing FIL Will to favour himself! Sending lots of hugs and best wishes stand strong! Was easier for me my partner would have cut his brother off ages ago. We have no contact at all and a hell of a lot less drama!

Original poster

ILCTM · 25/10/2023 20:08

My husband is supportive of me not seeing his brother and has said if his brother is at his mum's at Christmas, we'll just go there when he's not there. He agrees that I don't have to put up with that behavior, but he says he feels more like he does cos it's his brother, but mostly for his mum's sake. But this is exactly it and I've said it so many times. He gets away with this behaviour, so he just continues it. He's not seeing my children, they don't want to see him anyway, so it's no loss there.

Honestly, the stuff his brother has said and done to other people, including his own son is just beyond vile. What he's said to me and my son is tame in comparison. This is why almost everyone has cut him off. I do genuinely believe he is a psychopath. He doesn't feel any remorse for any of his actions either.

OP posts:

Nowherenew · 25/10/2023 20:13

I completely understand where you are coming from but I do understand his POV too.

Its very difficult to cut off a family member, especially one with MH issues and it’s ‘not their fault’.

If he cuts him off then his mum is going to have to deal with him herself and so I understand his loyalty.

I would be annoyed that he doesn’t call out him out on his behaviour.
How is he going to understand right from wrong if they all act like it’s fine.

FairFuming · 25/10/2023 20:23

I'd suggest your DH goes to court celling to help him learn hoe to built boundaries where his family are concerned and no you aren't unreasonable. If anyone verbally attacked my child they would be dead to me and my kids.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 25/10/2023 20:49

He obviously has a lot of MH issues though.

I am sorry, but I really disagree with this and I am sick of it being trotted out when people behave badly. The vast majority of people with MH issues are lovely and manage not to verbally abuse people. I have worked in MH for 20+ years. Sometimes people are just horrible. Or indulged and spoiled. MIL obviously enables this man, and he is spoiled - he's obviously never faced consequences for his actions and MIL actively does not want other people to impose any. So no wonder he does not know what he has done wrong.

LakeTiticaca · 25/10/2023 21:11

I had a family member like this. Alcoholism and a mental health disorder was the reason behind their behaviour.
Don't put up with it is my advice.

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