I can't stand DS anymore

[ljutyji]

DS is 20, he turns 21 next month and he's always been a bit of a handful re his behaviour and attitude, he was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago and started medication which helped him a lot but he started ‘forgetting’ to take it even though I would reminding him and now he doesn't take it at all.

He's impulsive and constantly is wasting his money, he's disrespectful towards me and his sister (she's 19). He goes into her room looking for money and if he can't find any he asks her, when she says no he continues to ask and says he'll kill himself. He often says the same to me when I ask him to do something.

For a few weeks he's been staying out all night a couple times a week and saying he's with friends, although he doesn't l have any friends that we know of as he's always struggled with making them and the ones he did have, he's fallen out with or they've grown apart as they went to uni and got jobs etc.

Last night, DD and DS got into an argument as he'd been in her room again. DS got angry and threw his phone at her. I intervened and told him I don't want him around anymore and I want him to move out.

He went out at about 11pm and he still isn't home. He messaged me around lunchtime and said he's with friends but since then he hasn't messaged. My friend says he's probably sulking and trying to be manipulative but I feel awful that he isn't home. I still can't stand him which I know makes me a bad mum

This MAN needs to find somewhere else to live.

Do not feel guilty. He is not a little boy. He needs a good dose of managing himself as an adult,

You need to protect your daughter, she's entitled to her privacy let alone her money bring stolen. I would suggest you steel yourself to lay down some boundaries if he does decide to go back home. ADHD doesn't excuse stealing or threats to kill yourself.

It's not him you can't stand, it's his behaviour. Try to differentiate between the two, if you can, but it's hard I know.

I have a 21 year old on sertraline and co-careldopa, and he came off them a few years ago and he was impossible to manage. Luckily we managed to talk him back to taking his meds and it calmed back down.

I would suggest messaging him and telling him you are worried about him and that you are very aware he seems to be having a harder time with life since he stopped taking his meds. You don't like all the arguments and he really can't behave like that, it's unacceptable if he wants to continue to live at home. But what you would really like to happen is that he comes home and starts taking his meds again and we all get back to some normality.

Sending you a big hug, as it is hard.

ADHD can be hideous. For those who suffer from it. And those on the receiving end of it.

My dd19 has adhd so I know how hard it is. At the end of the day, what he's doing is wrong, but what he's doing is most likely a consequence of his unmedicated adhd.

Impulsivity. Impulsive spending. Emotional dysregulation. And the cruel irony that it's his adhd that is probably preventing him from remembering or bothering to take meds that will help him.

As far as I can tell, your son needs support. Remember also that his brain development is a good few years behind his neuro typical peers.

It's so so hard, I get it. Difficult people with ADHD can be hard to like. Even hard to love! But it's not his fault.

Because of his behavior, it sounds like it is time for him to live on his own. When/if he comes back home, take time to sit him down and discuss all the things you will not tolerate anymore. Give him a timeline on when you expect him to move out and a plan on the things you are willing to help him with, if any (driving him to see apartments, helping look for job openings, helping box hisnstuff up, etc). I'd also allow your DD to have a lock on her room that only you and she can operate so he can't enter her room anymore.

You’re a very good mum and a very worn out human. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and grow up.

He's crossed the line by being violent. He needs to stay away and grow up and you need to let him grow up. It's hard, but he is no longer a child and if he displayed that behaviour in a pub he would have been arrested as an adult, not as a child.

Some times the best thing (and hardest) you can do as a parent is to step back

Your daughter has just been assaulted in her own home, FFS. What more is he capable of? He has crossed a line and there should be massive consequences for that. He needs to go.

I'm sorry, OP. ADHD can make life a hard path to walk for all involved. Any chance of both of you taking a big step back and addressing the meds situation first? ADHD can make it hard for someone to see/realize the consequences of their actions. Not saying that as an excuse but if he can get back on meds it might be a better and more productive shakeup than tossing him out. If he can focus and visualize what he wants to do in terms of work/study, that'll give him a long-term plan to work toward.

Just spent the afternoon speaking with my non-ADHDer about how disrespected he feels and how hard he finds his sibling's impulsiveness and rudeness. It's bloody hard and mine are still relatively young, so sending you a hand hold.