How do you get kids to play?

[BerryDelicious]

Can I ask what is normal/usual with kids playing. My two kids (7 and 5) rarely play together and insist they can’t play or do anything without me. An example: my 5 year old announces he wants to build a rocket with his Lego - I’m excited and say I can’t wait to see it. He point blank refuses to engage with the Lego unless I am helping him (this means I am expected to build the rocket for him myself). I keep coaxing him but no. He won’t play unless I do it for him. My daughter is the same with her barbies and won’t play with them unless I am playing too. If I start playing but try to withdraw and leave them to it the game is stopped immediately. How on earth do I get my kids to play and exercise their imaginations without me? Have I somehow created this awful situation? My childhood is full of me playing with my siblings and ignoring my parents - I don’t understand this at all. And I am exhausted. Am I being unreasonable expecting them to be able to play?

Present opportunities in small chunks, start the play off then move on with encouragment. Cut up a bunch of bits of cardboard, shoe boxes etc, supply lots of little bits of pre cut tape or glue, bits of wrapping paper to make and decorate a Barbie house. Start with one box and make it a room, then join them together. Give specific praise, eg 'I like the way you cut that shiny paper up/made Barbie a pet house with a small box, you were so patient drawing the kitchen' etc and same with Lego, create backdrops that can be painted or decorated. Supply the stuff and demo once. Try to give encouragement in small doses, keep time of playing v short to build interest. Take photos of what they make, show them you're sharing it because you're proud. Create a calm background, no tv noise, nice lighting. They just aren't used to it.

And be a bit firmer with your own boundaries! I'd say to DD I would play for 20 minutes but then she had to amuse herself for a while. It's good for kids to be bored occasionally and make them learn strategies for keeping themselves busy.

To be honest I’ve done a lot of this. I spent a whole morning the other day making a barbie bedroom with my daughter and thought I could sneak off and leave her to play with it. Play ended immediately. She said she wouldn’t play unless I was playing too.

Find some task that needs doing (cooking dinner, cleaning a bathroom etc) then tell them you can’t play until you’ve finished, and say they’re not allowed screens either. They’ll probably moan a bit but eventually they’ll figure out something to do. Do this regularly and they’ll soon get used to it.

Occupy yourself elsewhere and ignore their complaints of boredom (or give them a job to do every time) - they'll figure it out.

The Lego thing is ridiculous, I'd laugh and say 'no chance sweetheart, mummy is very busy, bring me the rocket ship when it's finished'

Likewise with the Barbies.

I'd rather put pins in my eyes than play with toys though 😂 I don't mind setting them with toys or a games but I don't get involved with the actual playing.

It must have worked as dd was able to play for hours and hours independently 🤷‍♀️

When they 'stop playing' what do they do instead?

just ignore them, when they are getting too bored, they'll play again.

I don't know many 5 or 7 years old who will just sit down, waiting patiently for an adult to come round.

Mine do need a tidy house to play best, if there's a big pile of toys, they don't really get interested. They find a lot more to occupy themselves when they pick things up themselves, then it goes all over the house but we tidy when they're done.

My DDs are also able to play independently for hours, I end up feeling guilty and asking if they want me to plan with them 🤣

Mine do need a tidy house to play best, if there's a big pile of toys, they don't really get interested. They find a lot more to occupy themselves when they pick things up themselves, then it goes all over the house but we tidy when they're done.
Also definitely this. Toys need to be organised properly eg all the Barbies + accessories put together in one box but then mine (6 and 2.5) will play independently for hours.

Have you always played with them? When they were little did you encourage independant play by themselves?

Another vote for just leaving them to be bored so that they can work out how to occupy themselves without relying on 24/7 entertainment in a shape of a parent. They will not be sitting staring at a wall when you go on about your day. Have opportunities for play but don't feel like you have to coax them into it. Rather than engage and then withdraw, I would try to do the exact opposite. The child plays for X minutes, then you join them. And increase their time playing independently gradually.

I’m following this with interest as my 6 year old just doesn’t play. I helicopter parented from birth so it is definitely of my own making, but I have done her a definite disservice as she just doesn’t play with any toys at all.

I refused to play with mine if I was busy doing something else and they soon figured it out. What will they do if you don't play with them? Sit and stare at the wall?

What were they like when they were much younger? Like age 2? To be honest I think if they havent developed lone playing/playing with each other skills by this age it's unlikely to happen now?

Mine were told that they could help clean and tidy if they were bored. They quickly scuttled off to play.

About 10minutes of boredom will probably do it. Be busy doing something else. No screens. They’ll probably either start playing or reading.

Tell them they can play or they can do housework with you!

How long will they sit and stare at their toys before they give in and start playing without you?

If mine tell me they are bored I suggest tidying their rooms. (Last time, the three year old actually went and did this, you could have knocked me down with a feather - the 7 year old never does 🤣)

Even if they don't, they normally find something.

Is there anything they would play together with? Sounds like they both want company and could potentially provide it for each other?

My experience was that my DC only learned to play by themself when I had to leave them to it for quite a long time eg if I was working from home all day. Even then, the first time it took until the 2nd or 3rd day for them to break through the boredom barrier and tap into their own imagination. Once they had done it once, it was much much easier the next and subsequent times. I think probably around age 4 or 5 was the breakthrough moment.
But the hard thing was just turning a deaf ear to the whining and leaving them alone. I’m not sure I could have done it if not forced by circumstances- but I was so glad of it in the end! It liberated both me and my DC!

My eldest doesn’t play with toys. All sports and computer games and board games, yes. Toys, no. He needs input and feedback with absolutely everything - was the same from a baby, needed lots and lots of input to fall asleep etc. His siblings are far more independent so I think a lot of the time it comes down to personality.

Genuine question: when it's time for bed, or time for school etc do they suddenly magically have the gift of playing beautifully together?!

I ignore mine probably too much, but it does mean they're good at amusing themselves. We've got a shit tonne of toys, so the house looks awful, but there's loads for them to play with. I also pretend not to notice if they've teamed up together to do something a bit cheeky like steal a packet of biscuits right before lunch - it's all about convincing them that staying quiet together is better than coming and getting me!

My DD never played solo unless it was on a game system. I always had to entertain her/play with her. She was never really good at playing with others until she was about 5/6 then she started playing outside with her friends.

I never understood it cause I always played by myself when I was a kid. But she never really liked dolls or toys.

The alternative to playing needs to be dull. Don't offer them a Kit Kat or a ipad instead.