Slow to warm child advice

[Newmama93]

my son is 2.5, he’s super clever, chats so much and so confident with us and his family! He however is standoffish and quiet around new people until they spend some 1:1 time interacting with him and chatting and he’s great

im struggling with hanging out with friends kids, I have a group of 5 friends who we met when the kids were babies and now do regular play dates but all of the kids run wild and fight and have fun and my son doesn’t want to engage, wants to hang out with me or have me play with him and he’s happy. These mums all sit and catch up while their kids run off and do whatever and mine is quiet and on my lap or asking me to come.

would you continue going weekly with the group or try hanging out more one on one with similiar kids? I just want my son to be happy and make friends but these kids are super intense and fight often. I wish he’d just jump in but he’s not interested when they are all playing. He joins in toward the end when only one or two are left but then it’s 5 mins and everyone’s gone home.

thanks in advance from a first time mum!

Can you try some one on one playdates with the same friends. If he gets to know some of the kids on a one to one level he then might feel happier getting involved in a group setting. He's still very young so I wouldn't give up on the group yet.

I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to join in, if he’s only 2.5 and there’s quite a few of them and they fight often.

Ours toddler is a looney at times but very mild mannered and respectful around other children, letting them past and not bashing into them. He’s shy around people he doesn’t know, it’s just different personalities.

At that age they don’t all want to dive in with the gang, agree with PP about some 1 on 1 play dates.

You say he's happy, though? I think that's the main thing.

If you mean, you're fed up because you don't get a nice chat with the other mums because he wants you to come play, that's totally fair - and I agree, someone smaller playdates might suit him better.

But it doesn't sound as if he's unusual or there's anything to worry about.

It’s okay that he doesn’t want to join in. He doesn’t have to and there’s nothing wrong with him for not doing so.

Please make sure you don’t make excuses for him like “he’s shy” with a tinkly laugh because you feel embarrassed. This can be very damaging for children.

Bring quiet activities for your ds to do alone eg colouring etc.

Don't force him to socialise, some kids just aren't ready for that kind of playing at age 2.5 (my dd definitely wasn't).

my daughter is/was like this. At 2.5 kids don’t really play cooperatively anyway, that generally only develops in most kids around age 3 (of course there will be exceptions to this).

mMy daughter was exactly like your son at that age. When she started pre school at 3.5 I warned the teacher she wasn’t good with other kids!! But actually she was fine. She is now 4.5 and loves school and doesn’t seem to have trouble with the other kids and plays and joins in fine.

however she does still find loud/in your face type people (kids and adults!) a bit much and will come over shy when she meets people like that, and will sometimes stand and scowl at people she’s just met. And she is definitely still better 1:1 with a friend than in a big group.

if your son is happy, I wouldn’t worry!

I agree with the PP who says do 1-1 playdates. For a shy child a group can be overwhelming. How does he find nursery?

Thank you for the input !

he’s a bit upset when we first arrive / he kind of drops his lip if I say you’re ok I’m watching you! And don’t go and play with him but I’ve found I’ll play with him for the first 15 mins and then he relaxes and is happy playing near me by himself or around one kid.i definitely don’t call him shy etc I just comfort him and try to make him feel safe! I just feel why do their kids just fight back and feel confident to just all be there together playing and mine seems so distant from that!

hes going to nursery next year in Ianuary hasn’t sta
rted yet :)

Carry on and don't force your kid to do anything. If you're happy with others and calm he will puck up on that. He will feel secure with you and in time he will play with the others naturally. Comparison is the theft of joy!

There kids just fseem to grab toys off each other then snatch back etc and mine will just get snatched off and walk away by himself and it makes me think should I continue going with such a big confident group.. I guess I’ll ask him. Thanks again

he kind of drops his lip if I say you’re ok I’m watching you!

Don’t tell him he’s okay when he’s not. Saying “you’re okay” to a child who is feeling anxious, nervous, upset, hurt etc is confusing.

They know they’re not ok, but the person they trust most in the world is saying they are when they aren’t. It’s minimising their feelings and makes it hard to trust their own instincts.

It’s okay not to feel okay. It’s important to validate that and find a way through together.

Sorry just to clarify this is before he has dropped his lip or displayed sadness, just when he asks me to come I say you’ll be fine I’m right here watching you! Then once I realised he was sad I offered him to come sit with me and have something to eat etc :) but yes very true.

Maybe the others have older siblings or attend daycare and they know it’s take it or lose it with the best toys! He obviously finds it overwhelming so I’d go with 1 on 1 play dates and revisit the big get togethers later.

I always had the shy, quiet ones when I had my oldest 2. Play dates were small until they got to about 3. My youngest was far more sociable and thrived with close group of 5.

Yes I might do that! Just don’t want to pick and chose or know what to say when they all msg me asking me to join. I guess I’ll just be honest

Agree with this.

I'd just take quiet activities. They don't sound very appealing play dates, maybe find some other, gentler kids to meet if possible?

To be honest fighting and snatching toys is not ideal if they are all 2.5 or are they older? Obviously it can’t always be avoided but the other parents should be teaching their kids that that’s not acceptable.

I wouldn’t put my toddler in this situation time after time if the other parents didn’t say anything to their kids?

He sounds so much like my DS. Gentle, quiet and reserved. He’s 14 now and still the same.

One to one meet-ups might be better, possibly in your home, where he might feel more comfortable. If you want to meet the bigger group for your own social contact, that’s fine, just let sit him in your lap and look at a book/do a puzzle.

He truly is and that’s sweet to hear your DS stayed the same. Mine is just so gentle / sweet he doesn’t want any trouble.

I have another boy coming in a few weeks and interested to see his temperament compared! I doubt I’ll get two boys like this haha.