To reject help with DD?

[Simplelife2021]

Sorry in advance for the long rambling post.

For some background, I have a rare disease which without treatment would mean my life expectancy would only be a year or so. With treatment, hopefully I can lead a long life. I have one DD aged 10, a dog, a full time stressful job and my DH works away each week.

I have to take lots of meds every day and twice a year I have to go to hospital for a whole day, twice over 2 weeks, for treatment. It’s not chemo but it’s like that, it’s amazing stuff and helps me live a relatively normal life, but for a week after each treatment I have awful sickness and nausea, migraine type headaches and awful joint pain which makes it hard to get around the house and terrible fatigue but I can’t sleep because of all the meds they pump you full of first. I WFH in between the treatments (so treatment week one, WFH week 2, treatment again on week 3).

Treatment is always difficult because my DH works away but childcare for my DD still needs to be taken care of, school runs done, meals to be cooked for her etc and dog needs to be walked and all the time I’m feeling absolutely dreadful so it takes it’s toll and means I’m low for a month or two.

Treatment has been rushed this time around because my latest blood results weren’t great so I have very little time to put things in place and it’s next week.

My DH is feeling a bit guilty because he can’t take time off work to help me as he is the main wage earner and is self employed. I have friends who will have my DD for the day this time round as it’s an inset day and I will muddle on as usual for the rest of the time. But he hasn’t been great in the past with helping me around the house or taking time off when treatment comes around. It’s led to a few arguments tbh. I think because he works away all the time he’s removed from it so doesn’t see the effect it has on me and I have to keep going because I have no family locally so he just sees me going about life as usual, getting stuff done.

This time he said he would ask his sister to have the dog and DD for the day. I categorically told him not to ask her because she’s not terribly reliable and she fusses and fluffs about so much, and talks incessantly, that it would do my head in when I get back from hospital and feel so unwell. It would stress me out because I wouldn’t know if she would turn up on time in the morning (I have to leave at 7.45am to get to hospital). I love her dearly but she is the last person I would want to ‘help’ as honestly it would be so stressful for me.

Anyhow, my DH has approached her and asked her to help out that day and I am furious with him. He also said that ‘I’m not too bad’ after treatment so I just need help for a few hours that day. I feel like he’s taken the control of my treatment out of my hands, put me in a situation which I will find stressful on an already stressful day, has totally disregarded my wishes and has completely down played how it affects me physically which has really upset me as I thought he knew how much I struggled. He’s done it because he feels bad so this makes him feel better, but it isn’t to do with helping me it’s to do with him feeling less guilty.

We’re on holiday in Cornwall and I’m struggling with being around him because I’m so upset and now he says I’m being ‘overly emotional’ about it all and should be grateful for the help he has organised for me.

AIBU?

A ten year old doesn’t require that much help!

You can get her something very easy to eat and she can bath and clothe herself

He was trying to do a good thing and why can’t you just go to bed and rest while she comes as surely that’s the point?

At 10 she could get herself to school. And if it's only once a year, you could just "cheat" and either buy take aways or meals that she can microwave if you don't want her cooking.

He's trying to help. I get that it's not the help you want but I don't think he's actually downplaying how ill you are out of malice, maybe just to convince his sister to help. Avoiding him for his misguided attempt to help isn't going to make it easier or better

What is the alternative? If you have no one else then a slightly ineffectual but well meaning and kind relative is better than no one. If you have someone else in mind organise it. If you don't you have a choice- you manage alone or you accept your sil.
Surely a dog walker and someone to drop her at school and pick up would be helpful. Get easy ready meals for you both. Could your dd stay with sil for a few days?

Oh I really feel for you.

You sound so unheard ❤️

I’m a bit shocked previous posters think a 10 year old can totally look after themselves, cook and get themselves to school. My DSS wouldn’t be able to get to school due to distance and it might be the same for this poster!

OP I think you need to have a proper sit down with DH and really tell him how this affects you and why you’re so upset about what he’s done - I appreciate he’s working but he needs to take time off and step up a bit, or listen to what your needs are about who you want to help. I think I know what sort of treatment you’re on and it is stressful and totally takes it out of you and he needs to respect that and not do things that just make him feel better.

I get his job is obviously important but so are you and he needs to find a balance to that!

A 10 yo shouldn’t need minding so a couple of hours where she gets to have some fun with her aunt might be nice. Appreciate this is stressful to you but he’s trying to help.

He is trying to help. I think you should cut him some slack.

I don't see what other alternatives you have in place. Are there any? Because if not, then he has done the responsible thing by organising someone to help you. Or are you saying he asked his sister to help out instead of your friends?

I feel for you. He obviously doesn't understand what it's like for you and to be fair to him, I guess because he's away so much he really has no idea.
The arranging help came from a good place but I know if I was unwell and the 'support' arranged was going to cause me stress then I wouldn't want it either. Can the sister take DD the night before so there's no rush in the morning? She could come back to the house to see to the dog etc the next day.
I think you need to have a clear, calm discussion about why this is difficult and explain exactly what happens during this time and the actual help you need. You don't need to explain why his sister isn't suitable but perhaps he'll be able to see he needs to give clearer instructions and if his sister decides that doesn't work for.her, then it doesn't work for her.
Is there any alternative? IE like pp said, easy microwave meals, activities set up for DD, dog walker for the week/friend rota for dog walk. Is there something which you can suggest which works better for you? He's trying to help but without all the information, he is going to fail.
I hope you can sort something.

Just leave when you have to, a ten year old would be fine to wait on their own if the sister is late and be in bed when they get back so you don’t need to talk to her. Sounds a bit harsh but you have to think of yourself.

Thanks for all your replies. I don’t think I was very clear, but I had already sorted childcare for the day with a friend that I know I can rely on whose DD is good friends with my DD, who will give my DD dinner and drop her home in the evening. I try to keep things as normal for my DD as possible because it’s horrible for her to have to see me so poorly each time. She’s really good and will reheat the Spag Bol or whatever it is that I’ve batch cooked, and she’s good at making her own lunch box for school and getting herself ready for school in the mornings.

I guess I’m upset because he went against my wishes to make himself feel better and although I guess it came from a good place it’s so thoughtless because he is more than aware of what my SIL is like and he finds her stressful too! She can’t cook and doesn’t clean and doesn’t have kids and is the ‘fun aunt’ but she doesn’t really have a clue and we don’t even see her that often so I don’t see how this option is better than the one I already put in place. I’m used to managing on my own so this really doesn’t help!

just say no you already have plans for daughter that day then

Honestly. You are just frustrated. He's doing his best as are you

You said you needed help. He provided that now you've said you don't want it

I didn’t say I needed help, I already had help. I’m frustrated because he doesn’t listen, just goes ahead and does his own thing and then goes off work smugly thinking I’m ok because of what he classes as ‘help’.

Just tell him you've already made arrangements for your DD which she is looking forward to so you won't be cancelling that.

What else will you need help with?
If it's the dog and a meal for you in the evening can SIL just pop in 2 or 3 times in the day to take dog out and reheat you a meal in the evening? Does she live near and you can give her a key? That way you won't be stressing about her timekeeping

It must be incredibly frustrating for you. He’s minimised your treatment and then minimised the effects, then to add further insult has gone against your wishes and arranged something that’s going to make life more difficult. It’s very likely to be from a well meaning place but without any actual thought process.

Well meaning people can be tiresome when you ask for help in difficult circumstances and the the help offered is, not what you needed and comes with additional stress.

Hope you find the words to have a discussion with him that explains it in a way he understands.

Tell him he is bullying you into managing your condition his way and you won't allow it. Text sil yourself and say thanks but no thanks. Dh can deal with her..

I understand why your annoyed, I'd feel the same. He's asked his sister to help because it makes him feel better despite being very little benefit to you. He's not listening or when he does, he hears what he wants to hear. When you have more notice of the treatment does he arrange time off to help you?

He is trying to what he thinks is best for your child, why do you need to turn into some saga

Call SIL and explain that DH misunderstood and that you have childcare arranged but thanks for offering. Then tell DH to but out.

He ballsed up, so he now needs to tell his sister not to come after all.

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job of managing a very difficult situation and he is really not helping by ignoring your wishes.

Insist he tells his sister not to come and do t let her make an already difficult time for you more stressful than it needs to be.

I would get in touch with SIL via a light and breezy message. Just let her know that you got your wires crossed and that you already have help sorted.

I would then firmly let DH know that, while you know it came from a good place, he crossed a line and undermined you.

I'd then let it go and enjoy my holiday.

I hear you - it sounds annoying and frustrating. The posters saying what a 10 year old can and can't do don't know your 10 year old so ignore them. Just tell your DH and your SIL thanks but you already have arrangements in place that your DD is happy with. Then, when you're up to it, have a serious talk with your DH about the overall situation. And good luck, it's great you're having treatment but it must be tough going.

Ring your SIL and tell her there's been a mix up and your dd is sorted but thanks for her offer.

I'd be fuming at your DH going over your head just so he can feel better about himself. He's being a selfish arsehole and I'm amazed people are defending him.

It sounds like you have so much to deal with make sure you look after yourself as much as you can.