To feel a pang of jealousy/upset

[PandoraBox2]

I don’t know what I’m feeling, never been good at identifying my feelings. Just had 2 play dates yesterday and today and both women the same - both have amazing lives, lots of friends, both going away rest of week with friends. I’m very lonely. I made myself this week arrange play dates and turn up. I’m very introverted and don’t have a full life. My childhood was horrendous - parents who called me a slut if I wanted to look nice or just buy new clothes, wasn’t allowed to have friends, never went to a birthday party and never had one of my own. I really want things to be different for my kids so I encourage a busy social life. They’re 8 and 4 years old. I feel so much upset hearing how much others have in their lives. I’ve been trying to be healthy but yesterday and today I’ve come back from play dates and stuffed myself with food.

I feel lonely, I’m trying to be less lonely but honestly meeting people just makes me more upset about the life I’ve had and the life I currently have.

Jealousy is a very human feeling. We’re all occasionally jealous! Just keep in mind people’s life is rarely as awesome as it might seem from the odd social interaction

Sounds like you’ve had a tough time! Have you ever had cbt? It might be helpful to make you see that you are worth much more than you were made to believe as a child.

Don't put yourself down or compare yourself to others. I'm sure you do your absolute best and are a great example to your children. Maybe working on self esteem and positive thinking might help to enhance your life. Look around your home, your two children and fond lots of positives about yourself , I'm sure you will find your life is richer than you realise!

1. be nice to yourself
2. be nice to other people
3. don’t judge- other people can’t help their upbringing any more than you can help yours.
4. you couldn’t control anything then, but you can now- so reinvent yourself! Create the reality you want
5. you say you are introverted so ask people about themselves. Find something cheerful and positive to say about whatever they tell you or add to the conversation.
6. find things that make you laugh, sing, dance and have fun. You might have to learn to be more extroverted until it becomes more natural and unforced
7. visualise yourself extroverted, having fun and having lots of social events. As we think, we are.

@Bluela18 is right. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. The reason is that you (like all of us do when we compare ourselves to others) are picking out the best parts of what other people tell you! You're not aware of the struggles they face. And if you looked at just one person instead of both or both + the glamorous people you see on social media, then things would probably look a lot more like your life.

We present the best side of ourselves to strangers and acquaintances. These women aren't going to tell you that they can't get promoted at work or their husbands are cheating or they grew up in abusive homes. Or that their "friends" didn't pay them back for the holiday. You're fixated on the parts of what they've told you that you want in your life and are unaware of or ignoring other information.

My advice for you is that we are not that special! None of us. Your life will look a lot more like everyone else's than you think. Is it possible that you have challenges that other people don't have? Of course. But they'll have problems you don't have.

You want friends, so look for people who are available. Can you join a Meetup (see meetup.com) or volunteer somewhere? Can you take your kids to activities and meet other mothers that way? Keep trying. It sounds like the women you met are either unavailable or want people to think that their lives are enviable. Find friends who are open to meeting new people and stop being so hard on yourself.

Uff. I honestly think that your feelings of jealousy are just a symptom OP, a symptom of terrible hurt in your life. I can relate to a large degree.. Wasn't allowed friends over to play, hardly ever went out, my dad would be hostile to friends families, no parties etc. At home dad was violent and with hindsight, mum was depressed. It was a mess. I finally, only recently, decided to stop hating myself. It wasn't my fault.
Keep doing the good things your doing. Fake it till you make it.

Well done for arranging the play dates, for turning up for them and for giving your own children a happy childhood. It’s tough hearing about other people’s happy extended family lives when you don’t have that. I envy people that too (my parents both died when my children were very young). Keep arranging the play dates and enjoying your time with your dc. I found as my children grew up, my life filled up again, their own friends were often in our house and now they have girlfriends who are here a lot and we have days out and things, all of us together. It think this will get easier and hopefully at some point you will find a true friend you can be honest with about your upbringing.

Oh I hate to think of you as being lonely it's such a painful feeling.
You can change this - if May take work on confidence and just taking small steps until things feel more natural. Sort of going through the motions for a while. I've been lonely and had therapy to improve that and gradually get out there.
You are not alone!!!

Carry on doing what you're doing - put yourself forward and encourage your children to make friends, and you will soon make friends yourself. Your crappy childhood won't be replicated in your children's lives.

Comparison is the thief of joy - that's not a trite saying, it's true.

You'll be fine and so will your children.

Thank you so much everyone. I just feel it’s such a struggle, everything is.

You are really brave op and you sound such a good mum. Please don't blame yourself. Its not whats wrong with you, its what's happened to you. Being envious in this situation is normal to me. Don't beat yourself up or try to deny your feelings. They are there for a reason, its not fair. Life can be cruel to those who don't deserve it and give plenty to those that don't deserve it too. There's no rhyme or reason. All you can do is look at your lovely kids and know they won't feel as you do. And be kind to yourself, you deserve it

I really think you're being too hard on yourself.

My life is very boring because I'm always working. I only knew TWO people in my building (more than 300 people) who even took time off over summer. Most people have had to move away from their friends or their friends have disappeared into work/kids and they've had to rebuild their social lives. Those who have kids do nothing but work and look after the kids! I don't feel deficient or unhappy and neither should you. You are not unusual.

My point is, you've overcome huge difficulties to get to a point where you have kids, are encouraging them to have a healthy lifestyle with social activities, and can focus on trying to be healthy yourself. You have done well. If you want a better social life, then by all means, aim to have one. But there are things we can all improve about our lives.

Think in terms of having GOALS (things you want to improve), not deficiencies.

Are you sure they have amazing lives? Mine looks amazing but I’m actually also very lonely. My friends are all over the country, it’s hard to meet up and I have no friends like them locally. My child is my social life. I do the odd occasion out but with acquaintances not friends. I don’t have friends locally. My family don’t live nearby. I don’t have anyone to visit whereas if I was living near my family I would be inundated with invites for tea, babysitting. I do have a busy life but it involves lots of travelling, lots of organisation and a lot of effort.
You are doing the right thing, you took the initiative and made play dates happen. Don’t be discouraged if it seems you always organise them. Find a hobby that is about you, you might not make friends but you will feel part of something. From this you may make new friends, your children might make new friends. It’s not a fast process unlike when you were younger as you don’t spend all day with them.

@PandoraBox2 have you ever had therapy? I am having trauma therapy at the moment and it's the best thing I have ever done. It's taken me years and I wish I had done it twenty years ago as the issues I have affected my relationships with my sons.

Please give it some thought. Hug.

You're doing a lovely thing putting yourself out of your comfort zone to do fun things with your children. Be proud of yourself, I bet they had a great time.

I had a vastly different childhood to my children and I remind myself I want it to be different for them, I want them to have amazing experiences and to be confident in who they are.